Tea and Twinkies

Her laugh shatters glass and breaks the window to her soul

The yesterday.

Flittering flutes could take the melody of the background noise. In silence thoughts would dance to its tune.
 Yet maybe it is the song I listen to now that fills the brain waves of memory’s past.http://8tracks.com/igniparous/when-the-sea-fills-your-lungs
Each day or night or both there is an awareness thought. A thought that so provokes my mind that it reaches to the top of my head and fills the crown chakra until I feel as royalty. Listening to people and absorbing what they say has led to this.
Before I was an advocate. Advocates tend to not listen, but instead speak. I forced my ideas down throats in hopes they would vomit out the bread. I felt fear each time a child held a Twinkie and visualized flames and crumbling ruble taking over every golden arch as the red took over my eye veins. Friends became enemies as they destroyed themselves and would not allow me to save them. Fantasies of taking over their bodies were pungent and so deeply desired that I could no longer stand not being able to do so. The books of a superhero that could program minds became a constant mind writing in thoughts. 
Being around those I loved caused pain. I fell into a blanket misery that would not let me sleep under it. I curled under myself and stacked McDonald’s bricks around me to barrier the pain away. Those walls became my skin.
It was a fear crowning out of my memories. Memories of the suicide experiment.
The way my brain heard voices…voices so visceral they would not leave despite any provocation that I thought would stop them.
At first I didn’t speak in my mind, no thoughts were allowed to interfere, as the voices would leave and I would no longer be able to analyze them. 
So I believed.
Then a thought tinkered out without me being able to catch it. Shhhhhhh. Silence self.  The voices kept going.
Older women, talking about tea. Three of them. I felt out for where it was coming from.The top right of my head.
One moment, I might be able to find the post.
Also it probably wasn’t tea. I’m simply drinking tea.

That’s an old photo, but it could be now if we all pretended.

From this Experiment:Day Four:
3:27
Another crazy realization. I don’t want to go back to keto. I seriously have no desire to return to it right now and it has probably a lot to do with the blog and caring more about it but also like…fuck it. Being off it hasn’t killed me and in a way that is so fucking freeing after being in a cult. I get how much I was now…and why I hated it subconsciously. Like I kept feeling annoyed by it and preaching to people and telling them what to do and caring so much when they wouldn’t. It really fucking sucked and it built up into the Box of Chocolates. I think of eggs and really miss them or grass fed meat and miss it…and lemons but…the lifestyle mind I don’t miss at all. I want to discover the world of food outside of keto first…I did for years and wasn’t taking it in and was just consuming it but now I want to go into it fully aware and explorational with the power to do what I want with food and my body. Health freaks seem to think they own your body and what you do with it. Our bodies are just another marketing scheme.Fuck that.Then they come at you with studies and scientific knowledge and that I can get behind and understand more. People genuinely wanting to help. Especially people like Maria from Maria Mind and Body and Mark’s Daily Apple are people that genuinely care and that I respect. That’s where I see both sides but I’m so sick of reading about and just doing what they say…I felt like a puppet and was following every recipe and getting the hemp hearts and the chia seeds and when I really got what it was doing and why it was helping it was a bit better but I think a snapping factor was the hemp hearts. I spent twenty dollars on a bag of hearts that were claimed to be superfood and then ate them for a while and felt no difference….I started to just feel the same all the time. I felt good…but I wasn’t fully happy, probably also from circumstance but I guess I thought superfoods and super healthy keto paleo eating would be life changing and exciting but…it was at first and then maybe I just got bored.
There’s probably a lot there and to that but I won’t go too far into it just yet, let it spread out a little.
4:02I considered reading a book and was like nope, just want to do this. I’ve just redirected the cult mind to this. Not gone just rebounded.Fucking…fuck self…why you do?
Okay over to NetflixBut it’s like…also…nothing matters more than this that I could be doing right now. This is something I want to do.
It’s definitely got a high base to it. Like if I keep eating these sugars I’ll just keep getting the highs…so the suicidal thoughts might not come if I keep eating sugars.
4:45
Really not looking forward to the next meal. I look a bit forward to the brand. Like OH!!! I can have Pop Tarts or Cheerios or Taco Bell. But when I actually imagine eating the food…the tacos visualized and then putting them in it just…I don’t want to. The memory is about a year ago now of that weird crunchy yet soft shell and the liquidy meat inside. The quesadilla one is more recent since I tried a bite after being in keto a bit  and it was reallllly boring tasting. I kept eating to get that same taste back…oh..haha fuck, addiction spelled out, and the taste wouldn’t come so I kept eating it…hoping. At one point the memory triggered a bit and the old excitement arose…like I was tasting past excitement, but the taste on my lips without that memory was not satisfying.
I did just think of Doritos though and felt excitement. They have merged with Taco Bell a lot lately and I was once excited by the thought of a Doritos shell and that bright orange crunch. How much excitement is based on memory excitement rather than the current moment?I mean the excitement I feel now is exactly the same feeling as remembering back on the memory of being excited. Are they the same or is this new excitement?
It has to be old because I’m not currently eating it. It must be the idea of it based on past experience and thus it is the memory of the excitement causing current excitement.
Let’s go make it current I suppose. Well…I’m meeting Thomas at eight for funky door so I’ll do it tomorrow…honestly I’m a bit exhausted of this experiment/ blog atm.
5:37
Suddenly really wanted to cry. Would have cried if I wasn’t in such control of it. No thought led to it
!!! This is exciting
5:58
Heart randomly beat faster
6:07
Heart has continued to beat faster, noticeably so
7:15
I miss flavor, blisfuckingly controllable flavor with a rich intensity or bright note that sings in my head
I’m thinking back on when I’ve been on a bad diet before but not…super suicidal..maybe it correlated with highs and lows, when on the high from sugar I was happy and then when it faded I would be low until I got it again, so it would be a cycling.
Suicidal anorexic people is a thing…the main cause of death for anorexia nervosa is suicide…so before the body kills itself they kill it, making it obvious the mind wanted dead.
Maybe it also has to do with decision making…it gets harder when on a sugar low…when things are easy it’s fine but when hard things come up like finding keys things get harder
I’m eating nuts and they’re so bland and not filling me up.
SIgh…I fucking hate this food wise
7:22
I feel sick
Reddit thing also sparked it…also I feel quite miserable suddenly…
11:53
Feel really sick and am really depressed and don’t want to do anything at all. I barely like existing.
I don’t want to stay up to even publish my book…that’s fucked…and yet i can barely convince myself out of it. This life changing ecstasy exciting moment and I can barely care. I was also supposed to move tonight and now that seems horrid as well.

Confession mode ended.

Alas, it was not in the blog, it was in the diary:
1:29
Want to return to me to hunger sucks
Intermittent fasting.

My mouth doesn’t wafer from bread thoughts.
…oh wait it dies right now..so hungry. But not as wet as it got from meat thoughts

*tossed phone aside and decided to have thoughts for self…thought of rosemary and herbs and savory mmmm…got my mind all wet and ready*

1:36
Clothing line that covers nipples
1:37
Could not resist Doritos Locos taco…seriusly tried
1:42
All my thoughts are being centered to this  blog and I’m sick of it.

True or generalizing.

I feel like I can’t be alone.
I want to be.
Would turn off phone if not for its other uses. Sense of place found after food (went from starving and unable to capture mentally where I was, going off of instict/learned knowledge of place and when food came knew where I was again and using conscious.
1:47
Could use some fries

There she goes again!
*anger at self*
Alright I’m going into that store and having my own thoughts and you’ll never know them
*thinks of writing above words while finishing taco*

A lady randonyl looked over at eating and I froze then wanted to snatch food and go hide in a cave.

Feeling very primal

More sanity has come back after second taco though…training system…are we being trained to feel like shit with hunger and craving(woah never out car in park..just did* and then we get food and it fixes it until the next craving hunger…we’re getting our fixes…connecting hunger to immediate satisfaction cuz human so we crave fast food….
1:48
I had these thoughts while on it though so mwahahhaha
1:48
Completely forgot about console cash at…wow I can’t remember its name…Taco Bell
2:04
Fast food causes negative triggers…connections. Sudden.
2:07
Multiple voices rage at me when thinking.

An anger immediate reaction voice…continues when rational arises and underlays, patiently listening to anger as it forms its own thoughts to words.  
2:08
Was one voice this morning.

Not slowing down when eating.
2:09
Ainsley…I’m starting to hate this…

*planned ways to get out of D&D*
2:10 PM
I just want to get cupcakes and cry all this pain into them. Cry into the comfort they used to be and will never be again.
2:10
The true mental raping that comes from leaving…what we’ve become…what food was…our addiction…fuxk…inhate it having a word…for the pleasures and smiles I used to love…that sweet burst and comfort to be booked into a sticky gooping acid word that’s colored bronze in my head…where do we go now? What do we even eat now?
5:14
Celeriac noodles and cheddar with crisp onions (possibly crispy shallots)
5:14
No matter how many noodles you eat there is no stop, no full
6/19/2015
10:09 AM
Last night the alternate voices came back…separate…as though I was listening to them in the next room. My voice but in different tones…I tried to talk to them…to interfere and let them know I was there but…they didn’t hear me.

Present Ainsley:

That’s fucking…that’s all I wrote..????!?!?

Self…le sigh self. I just…it was so important and yet..


………

Grr

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