There’s a friction that gets rubbed on when one comes home.
The combination of merging your coming home rubbing all your life years together, the old and the new, is like taking a balloon to your hair that makes it look like a baby’s again as the friction lifts you away from the person you’ve grown into.
Home is your oldest pathways as you walk down the roads you lived on through life’s time.
As you reach into who you were you pull out old connections that tinker throughout your brain.
That painting on the staircase you watched as you rolled down them and the feeling of grass you used to lay on or makeout on or read on.
The smell of the grass here intoxicated my memories. I wanted to boil it again.
That pictures a bit creepy to imagine as a boiled liquid inside you.
Imagine it brighter.
It tasted like how mowed grass smells.
How have I not boiled that yet?
It’s been almost a month since coming home.
I…talk about it all the time. Imagine it and get mind tingles.
Okay tonight. Tonight I’ll boil the grass, have some straight and then make a whiskey cocktail.
Memories of hidden moments get pathed to. The brain reminds you of the paths around it, signaling blueprints of old lovers. There’s no pain because that’s been shocked out of you by growing and shattering away from the pain.
Suddenly you see old relationships and the memories that were hidden from you. That night on the couch you simply laughed into each other’s air.
The night you laid on each other and felt yourself get hard or wet before you thought of religion and your father as the night consolidated him into a ruffian trying to pop your cherry and let the liquid spill into his mouth in order to make chocolate virgin cherries.
…I want that idea.
Don’t take it.
Your activation system (limbic to term it, the 4 Fs (feeding, fleeing, fighting and fucking, the things your body takes over thought for in order to protect you) no longer feels fear because they are no longer something to fight. That pain is in the past because your brain no longer reacts to that resource. It has moved on. Instead you’ll find memories of old that you can now ‘see’. Your brain lets you see a resource that it used to hide you from. You can protect yourself now. No need for daddy’s shotgun.
My parents have two safes full of guns.
Now I could leave you with that connection into connection and let your brain believe my parents were southern comfort to me and southern blasting to men’s insides, but they made the joke twice and it wasn’t serious. Fuck I really do love them. More now then ever, but we’ll get there.
Then there’s fucking parents.
You love them.
They were your main resource.
But hey, you’ve learned how to resource without them.
You have a car. You can kill your own squirrels. Life has moved on. You are your own resource.
And yet. To those that raised you and watched you unsuccessfully play Grand Theft Auto with your car into a Sonic sign as you imagined yourself swiveling in from 180 to 0 but you couldn’t start over…(wait…is that…do you think our brain could have formed vivid blueprints form those games and then used those brain paths of playing the game instead of RL ones and then got stuck, tried to play it, and that’s.,……hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)
I used to have this issue with the fact I couldn’t rewind life. I’d get so angry. I would ‘know’ it made sense but get so peeved by it and barely be able to calm the anger…anger comes from activation of fight.
What if I formed the path and my brain decided to do it, but when the path of rewinding couldn’t occur I had to adapt, but I couldn’t adapt. I had ADHD. I had energy drinks and stimulations that catalyzed reactions until they tried to burst from me
out of my own contrl
so you also take a sword from a person that just left the asylum, you fantasize life itself before you learn how to live in it. Your parents see this. They form fear to your life and their paths go to it. THey desire to protect you.
They want to trust you but they see memories. The same ones you do. All of you come together and remember your greatest failures.
They need to see that you can take care of yourself.
You moved away. You grew. Yes that is true. They didn’t see that.
They get the calls when you need them. You go bankrupt. You face pain. The world shows you itself. They tried to protect you from that.
Turns out you live here.
They can’t protect you forever, but all of you need to form new paths to that reality.