I give you this not to expose it
Yet to expose it
To Make it Real
To prove there is Something real
To feel it is real
· Zoey Ray
You’re quite Beautiful.
*smiles deeply* thank you
You’re beautiful as well, it seems your soul is too
I Hope So… I’ve Worked Very Hard To Make My Soul Good… or not, Maybe It’s All Ways Been That Way… I Can See Something Special In You.
I think the soul exists and we have to clean it and…get it to fit into being human. Beauty vs balance is an interesting concept…I’m still figuring all of that out but I finally love the journey wink emoticon it can be cryptically scarring at times though
Yes… that’s such a Beautiful description of it… first time I can recall Hearing it put that way. Beauty and Balance can pro-exist, I Believe. Perhaps it’s the human that needs the cleaning in order to get it to fit into The Soul… Just a Thought. What about Beauty and balance are you curious of, for Yourself? You seem to have both.
Do you have…
… and what was cryptically scarring, for you?
… and why do I feel like I’m about to have a heartattack.
God that’s a lovely thought too…so bound to this form. And you know, a theory I enjoy of humanity is that we signed up to be here.
Ah. I might have provoked your insides
I do that to people
It makes their hearts beat faster.
Not to Me… it’s been going on today, since I awoke.
You are quite Beautiful… but, yet, so am I.
I never place someone else on a pedestal. Only Myself.
Learned that one the hard way.
Oh, and I’m not ‘people’ wink emoticon
*smiles cryptically* yeah…pedistools tend to be representations of aspects of ourselves we can’t reach
What could be causing the rapid heart’s beating?
Haha! (how’d you know I was looking through your profile pics and seeing the ones that had poop humor and thinking, hehe, poop, it’s so weird; and how, on another note, I saw a photograph of a degas painting of a woman getting a pedicure just moments ago— hence the “pedistools”)… I didn’t realize any aspect of Myself was unreachable. I just like to think of Myself as a Beautiful Piece of Work that I like to Look at and Admire from time to time, and a pedestal seems like the most appropriate place to place Myself, in those moments.
Hmm… precisely why I friended you, at first… the cold brew coffee post in Marfa Group.
(in reference to the rapid heart beating)
*Pedestal… Excuse me
Also, I thought you were really cute, and seemed interesting enough to friend…
which is SUPER rare.
Haha that’s brilliantly complimentary and it boosts my excited bubbles of self esteem. I’ll catch them and make them coconut bubbles to pop into the coffee. Ah. Mind delights.
I get the looking at the self, it’s actually I quote I put into my first book. One moment
I’ll fetch it
” Stand naked in front of a mirror to see your animal. Stretch a hand down across your torso to cover exposed genitals, and cross the other over protruding nipples. Now close your eyes and move against them. Do you feel it? Do you feel the machine? Look into the mirror and see the animal. I realize most of you will just read this and continue reading, but I beg of you to go and do this and if you regret it just try and sue me.”
I LOVE COCONUT!… but, I’m concerned that I shouldn’t be eating anything, ever, because of it’s living, breathing existence… Why does a human supposedly have to consume food in order to live? And are there healthy options for this method? I’m questioning all of that, intensely, these day.
“Ah. Mind delights.” BRILLIANT! Those two sentences, in projunction brought Me so much happiness just now! smile emoticon If I can bring you Mind delights then I’m Happy to do so, prostantly.
What was your first book?
Are those directions for orgasming?!
Because if they are…
I’m quite experienced already.
I feel like I’ve moved into another desire for life these days, and that’s mostly upstairs, in The Mind.
Not that there’s anything wrong with orgasming… it’s quite pleasurable, and more enjoyable when done with someone intimate, trustworthy, loving and close (which I have none of that, hence why I’ve stepped away from it)
Honestly, I have these fierce blueprints blocking me from loving sex (memories that you can attach to fear over and over again in life until they get buried and hard to cleanse). Chirstianity, violation and other things keep me from that spurting pleasure. I’ve reached it a few times, and found much pleasure when deeply comforatble with someone. I’d love to find it in myself and in quickies. I’m actually writing a book right now called Loving Your Raped Body to have finished by the 21st when I go to a film festival. I was in a documentary that’s showing at the Arizona one about rape. Honestly I want to help woman talk about it and how it stores itself in your body and how to move on.
My first book is called Animal, about how we are Animals. I got flustered that people denied it, and exposed my thoughts that made me feel alone so others like me wouldn’t…and to project out of myself
My first thought was creating a word. The words around me weren’t communicating what I wanted. Fliffen, foofer wobblen made far more sense. Since then the blissfuck chaos of my mind has been creating communication and seeking to break norms and help people be aware and mostly to say the things pe…
“My first thought was creating a word. The words around me weren’t communicating what I wanted. Fliffen, foofer wobblen made far more sense. Since then the blissfuck chaos of my mind has been creating communication and seeking to break norms and help people be aware and mostly to say the things people are thinking but feel alone in because they aren’t in the world. Now they can be.”
May I just start by saying that I FUCKING LOVE THAT INTRO and I WANT TO READ THIS BOOK.
If you give me your email I’ll send it to you.
I’ve got it in a word document
I also have a book called Unedited Therapy wink emoticon
That one was fun
WHAT… do you have a link?
I do believe that Self-Therapy is the best.
It’s on your way
Writing has been My Way of Navigating the treacherous lands and waters of this world… and finding the Peaceful Islands on which to rest throughout the journey.
God! Yes!! Self therapy is a true cleansing
Please give me your words
OF COURSE I DO… THAT’S MY LIFE.
Haha right! I do it every day. I go mad when I don’t write
Well, currently, They Are Being Written.
If you need an editor I love to edit
*talking in this moment to someone*
*is a very patient human but appreciates the knowledge*
Are you a human?
can’t believe I can multi-task…
Oh wait, I can’t.
Oh well, she’s gone.
Okay, I’m back.
that was “the mother”
She was asking what I wanted for dinner.
I’m Vegan… so, it’s a thing.
she’s not, unfortunately, and I’m having to constantly school her in nutrition
they raised Me on horrible foods until I was 12 and took a nutrition class and realized it
I’ve been really into healthy eating, if I eat at all, ever since.
What I find bizarre is when a person eats meat-like substitutes when switching into an all-vegan lifestyle.
I find the idea of eating anything meat-like repulsive.
It’s a moral reason, not a selfish one… Honestly, I can’t believe I’ve ever eaten meat, and I’m upset that I wasn’t raised by people who understood that.
Now that’s been said. Thank you, for being patient.
I’d love a partner to compare notes with. An editor… I’m good at that… however, yes, I like the idea of working with you on something.
Let me read what you’ve done in this book you’ve emailed first so I can get a sense of your style… however, from everything I’ve experienced with you so far, even though it’s only been a few exchanges on facebook’s messenger, quickly and intensely going through your life in facebook photographs, and sending out an energy wave to assess your morals and being… I could say with about 86 percent certainty, so far, that I’d like that… you being an editor, that is
Hmmm how enticing that we have similar morals around food but different methods. I only buy meat directly from a farm that I know. I go for organ meat to eat the meats that would otherwise go to waste. Honestly I get sick without eating meat. I also go for lamb. I view humans as people that should kill our own food, but I haven’t been able to just yet. I want to take it’s energy as it dies and console it. Pet the animals as it passes and acccept the energy it gives me. I even sing to it at times
*smiles* I feel you saying that genuinely matters and I thank you
Dear God, that’s terrifying to Me… because I’m so empathetic towards animals.
I can put Myself in their situation.
I understand. I even take the energy from flies I kill. I view it as a cycle.
It would be horrifying to have a creature come at Me, at first singing to Me like it loved Me, and then kill Me and eat Me.
What a horror story.
In ways you are very correct, and I might move into your realm of ideas…but I feel it in plants too.
I almost killed two flies today.
Because, I couldn’t.
I said they should die, though.
It becomes hard to kill the more you love animals
For coming in this Home, un-invited.
That was their punishment.
My shunning of them.
Yes…hmmm…honestly…I might switch to vegan one day. I’m not there yet because I genuinely become sick without meat.
I even get headaches and almost pass out.
I feel it in plants, as well.
Oh shoot, I’m actually going to that Ballroom Marfa art show and need to get ready, I shall talk to you after kiki emoticon
Yes, I view it as life moving.
Honestly, I’ve been so mentally trained to feel that I must eat in order to survive that I’m a bit terrified of trying not to.
Even though, I have before.
Although, I had gotten extremely sensitive and physically weak because of it.
I Wish that I could not eat, and Live Perfectly.
Not feeling the necessity to eat.
Very much same,’
Oh, have fun. I’m not in town, and I have a trespass warning not to go there… Otherwise, I’d
I’m trying to reach harmony, but we’re so disconnected from life and this planet
see you there.
Where do you live?
I want to..meet you…
Currently, I’m staying at family’s.
Soon, I’ll be back in Marfa, though.
Do you live there?
I want to meet you, too.
Very much so.
How soon? I live her about another week, and then I leave
Where are you leaving to?
The Summer soon.
So, not that soon.
You’re leaving ‘her’
So, you’ve taken this beautiful woman’s body as a Home… I See.
Well then, who are you?
Damn frolicks. Well I’ll be going near Austin in March you see
And where do you come from?
I stay away from Austin, these days.
Yes…it does feel like a home. I like this body, but I feel it is a vessel. I even feel it is beautiful for a purpose. I’m meant to use it, to be a bard, to spread balance. There’s a long line of events leading to that thinking though.
I have a lover who lives there.
Although, she’s not to interested in seeing Me, so My broken Heart needs space.
Ah. Well I can travel. I love to even. All around Texas and beyond.
I understand that. Truly. Yet my heart moves quick, like a chaos of its own self.
A bard — I’ll have to look this word up.
It’s new to Me.
What will you be doing in Austin?
in March, that is
I’m near dallas, currently
I’ll actually be in Gatesville, it is simply near Austin.
I’ll be near Dallas as well.
Your heart moves quick… “like a chaos of its own self” I’d love to hear more on that.
Bard is a dungeons and dragons term. Basically I am a story teller, comedian, lover of spreading ideas
I just came up with that, but I can elaborate.
Once you read my book you’ll understand
I simply…thrive in change
Oh, that’s interesting… I used to play some d&d back in the day.
What was your favorite class and race to play?
And… I’m looking for stability.
Ah, the crossing of different paths… I already See a tragedy upon us
Hmm. Such a strange thing to desire from my end.
Hahaha *nuzzles* I see yin and yang
I need stability in my life
Well, it was in My childhood… so this was years ago… I’m trying to recall
While I provide a challenege, a change, and life
Oooh warrior is epic
However there was also some wizardry involved
Honestly, none of the characters really fit Me, perfectly… Perhaps that’s why I stopped playing
Aww *nuzzles in return*
Stability is important to Me. Very important.
Well I think more D&D needs exposed to you, at first base classes are used but there is a ton of optiization.
So much so that I’ve left countless lovers because they couldn’t provide it.
Hmmm. Stability. It then seems. YOuRs was taken or violated
I’d love that.
Maybe there is a lack of stability within
It was, in childhood, and throughout life.
I’m working on healing it, though… which I’ve honestly already done.
I understand this…I’ve been working to cleanse my own and the pain causes intense rebounds…can I share Loving Your Raped Body with you?
It goes into such things
I’m just living, now.
healing the scars within
I’d love that.
I, too, feel as though I’ve been raped… in more ways than one.
The ways I’m describing go very deep.
Like rabbit hole deep.
past lives, present lives, future lives… all of it
God yes, I honestly feel…well it is true in the brain. Do you know the limbic system?
Perhaps there is a lack of stability within… Perhaps not… I do have a blog called “Organized Chaos”, though…
It has four Fs involved in it (fleeing, feeding, fighting and fucking) all can be stored in the same level of pain
Can I see this blog?
The limbic system?
Also I’m afraid I now truly must go. Yes. It is a brain strucutre inside you. Google it. It is also in the book I sent you (Loving Your Raped Body)
It goes for quite some time…
I’d love your input.
Thank You for Sharing, Beautiful.
Have fun at the event!
Talk to you when you get back
Hopefully I’ll have read some of your work by then!
The event was cancelled it seems
Hey… can I just say that I Love You
Is that too much for you?
will that scare you away?
because it’s so True
No. Will you tell me what caused it?
As in no I’m not scared
I’m reading “Animal” right now
Oh how I wish I could give it to you in paper format. It changes some of the feelings twining into it. Makes it more ..personal
And everything you’ve written so far, is EXACTLY what I’m working on, internally, and with the world… well, “exactly”, in the way that it’s in Your Own Words, Uniquely, but in a Perfect Way That I Can Completely Relate To.
That’s exactly what I wanted
I’d love that… but the tree-lover inside of Me also doesn’t want to kill trees for that to happen.
It’s such a paradox.
This whole human thing.
Even eating dinner tonight…
Haha I understand. I’ve become…an inevitable feeling of this world person. It’s hard to explain. Like I went through so much pain I could either end my life or just..accept that this world is a little fucked and work within that
It’s all Vegan, but it still costs something…
My Mother’s money, her time, her energy, her effort
Have you tried growing the food yourself?
the people who made the food, where it came from, how it got here, all of it…
I’m terrified of growing anything by Myself right now.
I’m terrified of living anymore, Ainsley.
I wasn’t kidding when I said what I said about My Heart, earlier.
I Love this Life, but I also simultaneously Hate it.
Complete Love. Complete Hate.
I understand so deeply that it hurts
I really do
I Can Feel That.
Ugh, I wish I was in Marfa right now!
Somehow, I feel that I am, though.
*smiles* yes the connection does seem to be reaching through the world. I feel a sense of pain
Is it cleansing for you at all?
“I’ve become…an inevitable feeling of this world person. It’s hard to explain. Like I went through so much pain I could either end my life or just..accept that this world is a little fucked and work within that”
When you say those things… Did you have any other options than the ones you mentioned?
Yes, very much so. It’s incredible to FINALLY have Someone to RELATE with. After all this time…
I’ve been so alone.
I still am.
Yes, I’ve deeply wanted to end life. Something kept telling me I had to live though. It said others needed me to.
I don’t know why but I had to listen
I’m literally mind-fucking with you, right now… I feel like I have no control over it. Like… it’s just happening.
Yeah… I’ve had that same voice happen.
And, I’ve gotten so angry at it.
I always would say, “If there are SO many people that need Me, then WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY AND WHY AM I SO ANGRY AT EVERYONE I MEET?!”
The thing is, though, I’m not really angry, at all.
Holy fucking right
I love and hate veryone
I’m such a Loving Being.
I love them so much I hate them
So much so.
then hate them so much it hurts
I relate to you so much it’s even making me so raw right now…so visceral within the pain. I feel layers ripping up
I get so angry at the things that I’ve done Myself, and then I GET SO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR JUDGING THEM ON SOMETHING I’VE DONE BEFORE
When you feel the layers ripping up… What do you mean by that?
Exactly. But then there’s deep love, like an ocean to lay in , that cradles and reaches and washes
I want to Hear you.
The layers…the ones I don’t let be touched or that just aren’t. I feel them.
So raw. I want to run.
Yes, there is… and then I get trashed after it cleanses Me!
I need to for a bit
I’m SO TIRED OF THE ROLLERCOASTER
YET I LOVE IT IN SOME TWISTED DEEP WAY
YET I DON’T
I might have to leave you for now. This almost hurts too much…and yet I love it
I must go for now. I must figure out who I am in this moment
What is it that you need to figure out for yourself in this moment?
How is a raven like a writing desk??
II need to figure out where
all this pain is. Then meditate on it.
DAMN, I NEED A BIGGER SMILE EMOJI THAN THAT
THAT WAS WEAK
The pain within you?
Because I have SO much pain within Me.
Yes. I am …reaching into it. Especially in Marfa, somehow it exposes me. I wanted escape from going to that even then didn’t get it, so I’m stuck with it
You’re fantastic… and DESERVE THIS
Marfa IS THAT PLACE.
That’s why I Live There.
When did you move into town?
I left for college.
… and then I quit college because no one seemed to get Me there.
I felt like I was doing all of the teaching, yet My poor Mother was footing the bill.
I got here January first to write my fantasy series
It was all kinds of fucked up.
And I let them know about it.
Where did you go to college
You feel a lot of guilt when it comes to your mother
What happened to make you want to escape?
A fantasy series… I love it.
And I Love Rainbows AND Unicorns!!!
I actually came here not to escape but to find myself. I wanted to lose my personality in order to find out who I am wihtout it.
UNT for Photojournalism, RTVF and Music
It worked but it stripped the layers of life I built up to protect myself.
It’s amazing but..painful
It seemed like all I was getting was eye-fucked by creeps that I didn’t want to get eye-fucked by
College is a twisted fate of realizing you suck and don’t at the same time
and no one seemed to take Me seriously
So I got out of there.
Oh yeah, college is…and odd place
I already have a Bachelor’s degree, though.
It was a second bachelor’s program
Ah, so why did you want more school?
well, baccalaureate, I guess, seeing as I’m in a female body
Because that’s what I do, and I never received college-level formal training on it, and everyone seemed to not take Me seriously, at the time… so, I thought getting a degree in what I’m doing would change that… also, networking
I can see all of these reasons
… but I realized I didn’t want to network with a majority of these people
That makes even more sense. Where do you think you could find that on this earth then?
I wasn’t sure… but, I seem to be finding it right now…
*smiles* also in you wink emoticon
*giggles inwardly* oh life
I’m surrounded by books and space.
I could take three steps closer
You’d love it here.
From what I can tell so far
I would. I love books.
I want to be in a room with just them, a leather chair, a candle, and the feelings of fantasy in the air
That book’s called “Heaven on Earth”
That looks deeply peaceful
Also, let your ears soak themselves in this: http://8tracks.com/larecreative/iceland-on-my-mind
Ten tracks including music from Sigur Ros, Soley and Samaris. This is special mix to get prepared for my trip to Iceland from October 27th to November 16th. Iceland I love You already !! Full listing of the songs: http://larecreative.tumblr.com/post/32258216937/iceland-is-on-my-mind-titre-artiste-la…
See smile emoticon
Three steps closer, is a start smile emoticon
I…I love it. I must go for walk. I need nature to speak to me.
Is there a question you want me to ask it?
“I want to be in a room with just them, a leather chair, a candle, and the feelings of fantasy in the air”
· … what a description… I’d say the same, but I’d make the chair pleather, and add a beautiful, nude woman to enjoy the ambiance with
Mmmm, and incense carving its scent through noses
She, of course would also be reading, and I’d be nude… and it would be so peaceful… and then, when We wanted to, We’d stop and discuss what’s on our mind and admire each other’s Beauty.
That’s, so lovingly beautiful my mind stopped to capture it
Thank you for that description
…I feel we could expose the world together
Yes, Good smells… of a warm hearth… wood crackling, in the fireplace… yet, it’s so hypocritical of Me to say that because I Love Trees SO much!
Yes, We could smile emoticon
I’d be happy to do that, with You.
That photo, with the black and white stripes, was taken in the bathroom at the RV park near El Cosmico.
Might I know how you know Shay? Let’s see how small the world is.
Fire is my favorite smell
The water pressure in those showers is unbeatable.
What’s your favorite incense/candle smell?
Oh god the shower in my little hovel is also so mild. I raise my arms above the head to let it fall in a larger stream
My favorite smell is smoke. bar none
Nothing captures me more. I close my eyes each time.
My Ears are soaking up this Beautiful Music. Prior, I was listening to Lorde’s 2013 album “Pure Heroine”— One of My Favourites
Are you listening to the playlist?
I want you to be
I’ll listen to yours when I return. Wlaking time.
It is deeply peaceful here… one thing I’d change is the loneliness.
Don’t stop existing while I’m gone…you should keep existing
You aren’t alone. I can feel you.
You must go for a walk… in Nature… That’s so beautiful. Oh, why can’t We be in Marfa together, right this very moment! I’d walk with you, into the night, and We’d stay up asking Nature, The Moon, The Stars, Each Other, All of It questions.
If you must ask it a question for Me, in Marfa, then, please, ask It if It misses Me, and, regardless of what It says, let It Know that I miss being there very much.
Honestly I’m such a fate human that I think we weren’t meant to be in marfa at this same moment
I will let it know. Goodbye for now new eruption of human in my life
- 2/11, 7:59pmZoey Ray
Shay… Hm, Shay Ellen?
She’s a doll!
We met at a restaurant she works at in Fort Worth.
- 2/11, 7:59pmAinsley Daschofsky
I know her as well, do you know her boyfriend Chirs?
- 2/11, 7:59pmZoey Ray
What a lovely creature she is.
- 2/11, 7:59pmAinsley Daschofsky
I am friends with them both
- 2/11, 7:59pmZoey Ray
I met him, yes.
They don’t seem quite a solid fit.
- 2/11, 8:00pmAinsley Daschofsky
*smiles* how wonderful we both know them. It feels connecting
- 2/11, 8:00pmZoey Ray
Something a bit off… maybe that’s just my opinion of it, though
*smile* how do you feel about them?
- 2/11, 8:00pmAinsley Daschofsky
I think….they have moments that don’t fit, but I keep myself out of it for he wanted me once , and I him, so I feel too biased
I also want him to be happy
So I hope for them to work
- 2/11, 8:00pmZoey Ray
I love them both, individually… just together, didn’t seem right
- 2/11, 8:01pmAinsley Daschofsky
I feel the same way
- 2/11, 8:01pmZoey Ray
I really like her. We spent so much time connecting at the restaurant on so many variable subjects!
I think he may have been jealous of our connection, perhaps, and that’s why I felt a strange sense when meeting him
I’m completely turned off by insecurity, and, in fact, get angry at people who harbor it
- 2/11, 8:01pmAinsley Daschofsky
Ah that could work. He was cheated on…that provokes emotions from humans, even if they try to deny them
- 2/11, 8:02pmZoey Ray
So, I probably wasn’t that interactive with him… In fact, I remember not being very interactive with him at all
- 2/11, 8:02pmAinsley Daschofsky
Yes but…he was so recently hurt you must forgive it of him
can you tell where my profile picture was taken
By the fucking way I love your face
It is so sternly erect in its gorgeous ferocity that my mind may have captured it already. It made space to keep you. So rare. So complete.
- 2/11, 8:02pmZoey Ray
Ainsley… come here, now
I want you close.
- 2/11, 8:02pmAinsley Daschofsky
You. You are Dominique to me from Fountainhead. A search I’ve looked for for years
I cannot or I would.
- 2/11, 8:03pmZoey Ray
I LOVE YOUR FACE
I want to kiss it.
- 2/11, 8:03pmAinsley Daschofsky
My funds are too exact
*smiles* it would let you kiss it with willing embrace