I feel too brilliant today
’twas the thought
I had this meat yesterday, but it was to manifest what was already occurring
I already felt disconnected, but that sounds abrupt. Disconnected implies you can feel the space between the lack of connection. That it breaks. As though there is motion.
I felt out of motion.
Like I couldn’t feel at all.
The night was with very minimal sleep. Not last night, the one before it.
I was vividly active in harmonizing my own being, I was cleansing chakras and watched galaxies swirl in them.
This powerful force of energy swirling in each one.
I was feeling into them without thinking of color, as I usually do, as I’ve been told to do
But this time was just breathing into the base of my spine and then feeling it move. The motions of my existence. I felt pain, stangation, the root of stored thoughts manifested into tension within me.
Held, unforgotten, massages touching my pain and screaming out release from within
That wasn’t the point. It just connects certain dots.
I saw stars moving, saw memories of blueprints of the galaxy swirling
Like they were within
and swirled them clockwise, counter clockwise, seeing and feeling from this primal yet fully conscious place of existence
This one looks closest to what my brain imagined:
It was smaller though and swirled in only one rotation.
So I woke this morning, knowing I’d be unhappy because I ate meat last night. Random BBQ from a huge Valentine’s concert festival. Hormone flooded and crying cows into fibers of itself for shizzle.
I couldn’t even ‘taste’ it. Like with steak you taste this deep layer of flavor within it. The red floods your brain and its like the blood moves into you, that you can taste and feel it in your nose as it becomes part of you. It reaches through your buds and tastes with tantalizing movements. Meat is just fucking….there is no separation. It becomes you. You close your eyes and become one.
It felt like texture.
My brain said ‘lie’ several times. I was out of whack from people interaction though and didn’t care. I think I was subconsciously eating the food to make my body reflect my mood. Like I was too aware and it sent out…resource blueprints of how to calm it.
The energy of so many people was overwhelming, the repitition of getting them clothes, feeling drunk due to lack of sleep to where I was anxious because I would try to count out change and lose the counting. I would be at four and then the present memory would fade and I’d have to start over. It was hard to cling. We only had ones too so I had to count out like 15 ones. It was so hard, and my brain would switch to ‘aware’ of the customer and then back to counting, and have lost that memory (when on lack of sleep it is like being drunk…which might be like a depressant…like being high or drunk, (which I’ve said but am musing through mechanisms) like you don’t hold memory as well for sure…Storage in intervals…30 seconds…do you lose seconds the more ‘drunk’ you become.)
Okay so I was also aware of this lady bitch that did not seem to like me one bit, but I was stuck near her. her tension was vivid but I couldn’t block her because I haven’t learned how to block yet. So she was hard to adjust to. I ….it was a bad night. hate humanity levels. I lost all hope in humanity.
So many Texans, spending like $50-$200 on shirts and sweaters and cozies and posters. I despised it. It seemed so wasteful, and I would ask if they wanted bags and was lost in how much we waste. All the time. And had to hand them bags for two cozies. Their mindlessness. Their immediate responses, watching their brains, watching them, hating all of them. Watching mindless in front of me.
it was so horrid.
The past connected and I remembered childhood, churches, the parts of humanity being closed off, not reacting, stifled without knowing, locked in fear that we lock in buildings and lock in ideas.
Last night I didn’t know that.
I just thought I hated humanity.
A few tinkles of memory that I liked it tried to come through, but faded into the people before me. Enviromental cues not allowing me out of them
There was no break.
My mind literally got trapped in connections of retail, consumerism, a human I hated who even determined if I could leave and wouldn’t let me leave, losing track of numbers, desperate for sleep (thus not adapting as well and probably thus getting trapped instead of adapting far more easily)
Woowwwww the sense.
But I tried to think of people I liked and couldn’t even because I had to count dollars.
Woah I just broke from typing and talked to Carlos and it was ‘different’ than it felt minutes ago.
It felt like last night.
Regression even from talking about it…..how intriguing. It wasn’t alll formed last night so it is a lot of the past.
It was felt in the middle of my chest. I felt a reboudn there….like fear and lept away level. I felt my heart try to melt in him but it rebounded in fear and I remembered last night.
Trying to connect today. I still feel it now. I even responded in fear, my words were quick and unlistening to what he was saying. I said ‘yeah’ without having amnything to say ‘yeah’ too. Even now I feel fear…………..he was there last night.
I finally got to leave behind the counter to go get beer and he was there in the VIP area.
It was weird. My mind tried to leap out and be ….who I had been with him. To enjoy him. As I always had until that moment.
That moment I tried to run. I didn’t ‘like’ him.
probably because he was everybody else. My mind put him into where it was.
For a moment I felt a quip as it tried to connect to him.
Taking me out of memories and out of the stress I was trapped in.
I even felt jealousy. A woman was there. A woman I was excited for being there before because I knew ‘her’ as it was told. Carlos told me a woman was coming into town for Valentine’s day to see him.
I was excited, wanted to meet her, and loved that she loved him. There had been pops of jealousy on primal that I cleansed because I knew what they were. Yeah….he’s fuckable to me. In an immersive way. Since we met I’ve just…melted into wanting to with no fear. His eyes…mmmmm….
But I don’t usually feel jealousy anymore. I had to grow past it quick in this lifetime because of having a twin. It got challenged and adapted to since I was born with someone I had to share with permanently through life.
God this is sporadic. But this is all the layers.
How much there is to this.
To one night of it.
No wonder people get sick of and lost in life. All these complications.
As we moved so far out of simple.