My eyes are so bloody tired it’s like I can still feel the drugs in them. I need to write up the jail scene and finish up the bottle night for Elne, but distractions seem like candy and my mind is buying as many sour patch kids as it needs to form a mini candy army.
So I went out with Vince last night, a cool cat I met at the bar in Anise…wow words aren’t even coming up with reality right now, Alpine! Ha. I was close. We spoke about anise last night when wording about bitters to each other. It was an incredibly seductive night in both conversational and bodily happenings. So we start in Marfa because my car needs jump started after leaving the car lights on through too many hours. I actually came back to them on after deciding to not sleep in the under construction brick building. Elne was going to sleep there in order to not leave Laura, but I tried for an hour and almost fell asleep, but the lights kept getting in my closed eyes so I had to open them up or the hoodlums would just break in anyways.
So I take my bottle of Laura fantasies back to my temporary home, which feels so much like home I have to take a minute to be surprised it isn’t where I’ve lived for ages/years. The lights are already dim and I know that they might have already killed my love, but maybe not since they were still on. I ignore the idea of trying to start it out of fear and just go into the studio and lay out in my hammock for sleepy times.
The next day Vince and I are supposed to get near each other at The Saddle Club, the bar we met at in Alpine that has better food and drinks in it than Marfa has anywhere according to him, and I agree without actually knowing and the plan is made. He’s lived here longer though so his thoughts totally matter more in decisions, for now. My mouth awaited its judging hours, and I’ve already had incredible Marfian food at The Food Shark with a lamb skewer drizzled in a bright herby yogurt and met with perfectly charred peppers. There was even hummus and a juicy and fresh lemon salad to accompany the moment of perfect food. Eating it outside even led me deep into its fondling connection with my body, and I got lost in myself with it inside me. I knew not all the characters for Liquid Fantasies would be keto so I even ate some of the bread. The texture of the pita wrap was soft and I loved it, but could only do two bites before it was taking away from the lamb’s moment. Then I tried the crispy pita chips into the hummus and their crunch was bliss but became a bitch too fast as it sparked my brain and it got confused trying to figure out what was so crunchy and hard. ‘It’s just the chips bro’, I tell it and we have a few more bites but it keeps raping us in the brain so we stop that and go back to the lamb.
Two mornings after my car battery is dead, and before I’m headed to meet Vince, I go and see Amanda again. We met at a studio and talked about the brain and trauma and therapy the hemispheres and I fell in love with her mind and she enjoyed mine a lot, but I can’t claim love for her, that’s in her inner mind’s decisions. I was supposed to pick her up at five so we could go to Pedros on its last night, but I got lost and even wrote about that already. Yesterday (which is the two mornings after car battery death) I do go see her at the studio and she’s just as excited to see me as I’d hoped for. The hope had felt a fallacy though while my brain had been visualizing her getting a restraining order from this girl stalking her. I had Instagramed her a message and let that fuel the paranoia of that idea. I know it was from a past memory holding since it actually didn’t work with the situation. In going over to her studio my brain was all like, ‘she doesn’t want you’ and I tried to ignore it and in doing so realized there was no way she did because all I had done was send her one message and Instagram’s message system is confusing. It was definitely a trapped memory that needed to be broken. Her smile shattered it right up and I got all excited and showed her my art from the past few days. I’d brought it to Wrong right before going to see her, to ask them about doing a show, but they are booked until 2017. It was so bloody mind musingly difficult to get past the fear of asking them to exhibit me. I wanted to wait until my art was actually good enough, but knew that fear building up would make me procrastinate it forever and that such a fear was keeping me back from life. The rejection of it didn’t even hurt. She actually loved my art and really looked at it. The visualization of fear mind had been her looking at the drawings and not wanting them at all. She knew art after all. ‘But what is art?’, went the newer confidence mind of the latest Ainsley model. ‘Maybe it is good, and I just have to do it, to bring it to her, and see what happens. Look at these.’ *brings self to drawings for the sixthish time to judge/try to love them*. The love for them came easily as I saw the stitched Johnny one and the wine bottle drawing. I even get to the hair goddess ninja and feel even more ready. Some judgement comes through but I’m able to drink that fear juice and still carry on with the idea.
At the end of discussing the exhibition, (contact her in 2016 and we might be able to arrange something, and she meant it sincerely) she offers her wisdom and says that I need to get better paper. She even calls out her husband to ask where to get it in town and they say there might be some at…oh fuck I’ve forgotten, but she seemed to really believe in me and it reached all into my fears and not just shattered them but brought them back into life. Some of them remained and a smaller voice of the past had to ask “So do you like them? I mean, are they any good?” “Yes”, she says without hesitation and with a sound of, of course they are. I’d never felt so art fondled.
So I take the paintings, including the ones I need to take pictures of before she gives them to their new homes (I got the necklace from Wrong and the art of the lady from Arrested Development inspired the Laura Unicorn, so the unicorn is going to her and I have a piece for the necklace that was made when Make the World go Away became a theme of Elne’s thoughts). My feet take me to Amanda and she welcomes me as well. I was even breaking through courage and almost stopped at another gallery to ask them about exhibiting my work, but that wasn’t necessary and that rejection might have actually been too much for the day, but the serious consideration of it almost lead me right in, it was at a 45% chance of it until I realized it actually would be better to get more pieces together and even figure out what all I could offer. The time frame wasn’t pertinent to the day so relaxation took up the 50% and fear got off with the other 5%.
Amanda also seems to enjoy the work and even reads all of it, entrapped by the story aspect to the art, and even asks if that will be a theme. “I don’t know.” *Muses over the thought as it is a fresh one in this brain, the idea of it being a theme rather than just part of the art that is*.
I would give you some dialogue here but don’t remember enough of the actual word use, but my left brain might be down when it comes to fine motor movements of memory so I’ll check back with it later and see if they’re there. I’m still on some withdrawals.
So I invite Amanda into the night and we arrange for me to pick her up at five in order to head over, and we exchange numbers.
I try to start the car at four and it makes some trying noises before going silent and not responding to the key turn at all. I get mildly flustered and then laugh. There’s inner enjoyment at the fact I’m in this small town with a dead car, but my options are already there and there’s no fear of it. I’m happy.
I text Vince and ask if he has any jumper cables and then walk over to ask Amanda if she does. I get there and walk in, tell her of the dead car, and she says her boyfriend might have some. Oh wait this is when we exchange numbers. So we plan to get the cables around five and then plan on heading to Alpine after my car gets some life. Well Vince texts me that he has the cables after I’m halfway home and so I text Amanda that I won’t need them. I’m feeling sick from the detox of cookies and beer still and decide I don’t really want to go out. I reschedule with Amanda for tomorrow (which is now today) and she says we can meet at The Lost Horse Saloon (or something like those words) at five.
Vince drives down with the cables and we jump my car back into life then give it some energy for a while and head into the studio. I show Vince the art as well, just whoring it out a wee bit, and he also gets immersed in it. He even gets the first look at the whole journal and Elne’s insanity. In reading it I realize the insanity isn’t fully there yet and needs to come through.
I tell him I figured out how to become Elne by replacing my own blueprints/memories of a Laura that I used to know and still know, but who once had me on the phone with her as she finally got to leave this life and kill herself. At that point she was living for me and because I couldn’t let her go. In that time I realized suicide was selfish not of the person ending life, but of those that tried to force them to live. They are the ones trapped in their own minds and they are the ones that have to live in that pain every moment of existence, so to try and force them to live in minds they hate just so we can have them around for moments of our lives is actually the selfish part.
So I replaced that pain of my memories of Laura and her face with the visualization of Elne’s Laura. I elongated the face and gave it more feminine curves. My Laura had more of a square jaw while Elne’s Laura had a flowing heart from her cheekbones into her chin and back up. Her head didn’t swoop up into a heart’s curves.
At first I think it won’t work, but my mind actually starts to replace my Laura with the imagined one. I force it into the memories with the first few, but then in automatic moments I start to see Elne’s Laura instead of mine, she even becomes more vivid and that’s when the voices truly started working:
So Vince and I look into my mind on its paper in the hammock for a while and then head out in his truck to Alpine for a night at….fuck names are just not there right now. The Saddle Club! Okay they’re there with a bit of work around the mind. My sickness has mostly warn off, but not enough to try and plan Amanda back into the night, so I just let that plan sit until tomorrow.
Sigh…it’s totally break time but I don’t have a safe haven establishment of fondlement here. In Fort Worth days of Brennan I’d head over to BJs and in Lubbock I’d wander about the house or go meet a friend. The only place that pops up in my mind for here is Squeeze and then Do Your Thing, but I don’t really want juice or coffee so those ideas die as quickly as they pop in.
To the Internet!!
A shot of espresso soaks into my mind’s juices.
I’m wanting to just go to Food Shark and get the lamb kabob. My brain notices it’s differences. Of stimulants it internalizes the ideas and takes in..oh fuck what do I call them *stretches brain through paths, having to search harder and longer than usual to find the word memories* adaptation resources.
I’ll usually feel around my body and its stomach and calmly/with slower resource movement assessment, account for my hunger needs. Right now my brain thinks of Food Shark, the lamb kebob, and then puts thoughts into grabbing cash and my legs walk there in my mind. No internalization occurs but for images of getting to Food Shark.
I don’t like it, but is it a dislike just do to my brain realizing it is at a difference/different from the state I like (or told it to like and formed a bias jam in the callsum) and thus the awareness of brain differences cause a frustration?
Is the caffeine itself making my brain dislike attempting to internalize and analyze it to where the dislike is simply due to the juxtaposition of the caffeine.
The self I ‘like’ internalizes and since I am attempting to make my brain do that when it is at a caffeinated/fuck…the word for..not depressant but the opposite, nicotinge does it too (see? All memory is a forced affair), …stimulant!! Yeah.
Since I’m on a stimulant maybe a depressant/opposite is an internalization, so trying to force that decrease is causing this frustration/anger at caffeine to where I don’t ‘like’ it.
I love using myself to interpret myself.
We’re such a good team.
Myself and I
We haven’t found me yet thought. We’re getting there 😉 (reference to ‘me’/me)
*leaves and walks to open studio door in Marfa and then comes back with a realization*
That difference, it’s what I feel when it comes to food. I thought of Jeffrey at that door and his mind on caffeine (insert image).
That ‘difference’ is what causes anger.
He doesn’t notice it because his brain simply doesn’t know the difference.
That resource adaptation in his brain is simply a stimulant, it doesn’t reassess or reanalyze itself because it simply follows the execution of the stimulant that it is constantly on.
Until we are aware our brain doesn’t have the correct (create new word for it) (adaptation resource firing awareness/brain being aware of difference receptors./different connection followings that emulate reality shatter movements that create that ‘seeing’ I’ve referred to before)
So the brain can then try to reach a different connection and when it can’t (or is even a force to do so/like working a muscle/lifting a too heavy weight) the brain is then aware of itself and that moment.
If it likes something easier (like my brain without the stimulant as it reaches into memory and all around the brain with ease) then it gets frustrated as it ‘feels’ the difference.
*imagines green drink without the ice going into me* God I want those green fibers in my brain. I’ve been debating off and on all day but the idea keeps coming with the ice. I stood in the sun, leaning against the ajar edges of the wooden door while the sun soaked my white long sleeved shirt and heated my hair. The heat led the idea of the juice without the ice and my brain fully reassessed with the elimation of the ice from the juice’s memory and only felt/tasted the memory of parsley and kiwi and spinach.
It was autoable to reexecute the memory into the present without me even forcing out the ice from it. I’ve tried before but rebound into not wanting it.
*goes to phone and debates carrying it with*
I wish I could set my phone to send a text if someone messages me that I’m out right now.
That has to be an ap!
Oh I talked to mom about one. Nopoe. Wrong. Accessed the memory and I talked to her about hologram Christmas trees since she is taking the Christmas stuff down today and we all hate all the work put into it.
They already have iHouses, which is probably what my brain used as a blueprint to reshape the idea of that christmasy moment into a hologram tree.
I know is is. I saw the memory when I was telling mom about it 😉
Oh and set texts to certain people/make it to where you can set it to only text (Vince/mom) if they send a text (but no one else). Talk to Morgan about this.
(I also like this mind. I don’t internalize or reassess to the point of worry. If something doesn’t happen it just doesn’t happen. I don’t go into my head and think of the other person and their thoughts of me as I did yesterday….
Are they opposite…yet alone the same mechanics. Yesterday I established the assessment of staying inside and my brain patterns followed paths of staying in. When I thought of going out my brain refused and went to ‘inside’ instead. I thought of going to the bar but stayed inside. I wrote and went to things inside.
Today I started with yoga and then immediately went inside. I felt the inside and rejected it (recall it being a force of the mind) and just left. I did get about thirty paces down the street and come back for water and actually spent a long time getting things ready to go out and kept feeling like I was ‘forgetting’ something….)
Internal screams happen when something doesn’t “go my way”/I don’t fulfill the previously set connection (I imagined going to FB and there being an update, when there wasn’t I heard an anger mind scream and then came here to type)
You know what’s weird about coke night? Of course not the words aren’t in you yet
I didn’t actually want to.
…I had multiple drinks that night. My ‘no’ receptors seemed to be down
*muses over memories*
*feels where I’d actually placed the ‘no’ and remembers that on coke night I had that thought, took it and put it in my present mind (the alcochol induced one) and it went away…like my mind melted away the no by putting it in the current faculties (right brain reassessment?)
So maybe even on the depressant angle of it my mind received an old memory of not wanting to do it, even tried to use it’s rationalization stream (no point, hard drug, addictive, seriously no point) and all those melted/drooped down the depression brain antics and said to just do it instead.
Then I kind of did it.
Right before this I’d gone to lay in the sun because I was cold and hoped the cold is why I was so ‘off’. “This day is so long!” Went my thoughts as my head went to the ground with my legs under me already. “…No it’s not” went a different sounding ‘voice’. It just started’ . Both voices laughed
*walks away and comes back after realizing I hadn’t finished the point to that. Sorry, got caught in the laugh memory but going to the door invoked this next sentence at leasat’
I’m on a withdrawal. From doing everything in my mind path to now wanting to do nothing.
*goes to door and comes back again*
I desperately want out of my’self’. I think of texting Vince to get him down here and offering a massage.
It’s the same
It’s the same as yesterday except I trapped myself in my self.
I wonder if yesterday I got angry too. That frustration stagnation. I thought of a resoursce and when it didn’t play out multiple times my mind got pissed at not having the connection it wanted
Instead of reassess it got angry (primal? How?) and I put myself in these walls and despite trying to think myself out of it I couldn’t (internalizing but hating it? Because my mind couldn’t?)
Stagnant Resource Assessment of Stimulants (the caffeine theory)
(First …second post for Neurominded me.: At the end: For the full minstream visit THeBoxofChocolatesExperiment.blogspot.com (link to post))
Also I changed to black and auto felt better (white creates too many possibilities in mind while black is more stagnant/doesn’t move as much since it doesn’t absorb as much?)
Honestly though. That was like five minutes ago..or however long it took to wash chorizo out of the white and then type that. I changed because I got chorizo on it and then I thought the owner to this house had gotten home as I saw a new car pull up to a house across the street. I figured I should be dressed if she came to check on this place and found the back long sleeve I’d wanted to wear today but could not initially find until looking in Raistlin’s suitcase and then there it was.
Ha. Went my mind as I was changing. Should have just worn black today (I could have changed before but was already in the white when I found the shift in Raistlin’s case)
God. I seriously feel so much fucking better now that I;m in black. My mind just feels rational and calm instead sick and angry at itself, even though I’m internalizaing and projmecting by writing.
I would say I got out the caffeine with the withdrwal but it was more direct with th eputting on of the black. So immediate.
My hands were sweaty a moment ago though (when thinking the day too long and wanting to text Vince to get out of myself) and now they’re dry. Which lends to it being the withdrawal and now the withdrawal being over so I’m more balanced / at homeostasis.
Also I want to be known as a founder of true mindstream writing. I don’t care about getting recognition with everything else, but this takes so much work. Or it’s just the caffeine talking
*thought that outside while removing more stains from white sweater, decided to come type it after the “caffeine talking” line but sat down instead and kept with the sweater.
Then I realized it’s a mindstream and came to type it. I thought that before coming to type it and even continued the thoughts as I realized I didn’t want to come type it and thought through why.
The conceitedness of it. I felt guilt and mind latched to it (/didn’t reassess and stuck in that connection)
I thought of other mindstream writers and got angry that I couldn’t be the founder because they founded it, and tried to think of a word for me. One worked, I didn’t keep it though and thus forgot it, but it caused a bright twink.
What’s more mad is I do what credit for other ideas, and have even gotten angry…flustered moreso at others realizing all of this about the brain and then me not getting to be part of neuroscience. I think of others getting to work with Left brain guy and me not having a high enough GPA to get into school. Those fears keep me back from applying and from letting it be real. It’s probably why the restaurant feels so ‘real’ and why I want it ‘more’. I’ve felt it for nights the more I try to push myself into the thoughts of getting a PhD instead and try to make it have the same real feeling. I keep reaching this black blue and fear and see the words in the forward about stuffy scientists. Those words really caught because I think of them automatically. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be in a room with minds that know they’re better than mine from all the knowledge I don’t have. I don’t want to be made fun of…ah…there it is.
That pain. Of rejection. Directly attached to the ‘I don’t want to be made fun of’ . I saw the memory of it immediately and pounced away so it’s a vague one. The table in junior high where I was alone and had no friends. Literally. I had to sit alone. It was my greatest fear and I knew everyone was watching me. I tried to creep into the group next to me. I sat two chairs away so people could mistake me as being part of it. Okay I have to release that now. Too much pain. Ow. That memory…but I feel strong to it, like I can finally take it and comfort ‘me’ . That pain, that Freudian caught stage..fuck I have to stop cleansing those so we can see them on a machine..sigh..pain..there it is…it’s attaching or has already attached itself to my dream of neuroscience.
To where it doesn’t feel real. My greatest passion got fondled by my past due to the forward in that book, and it even was before that with my GPA. I’d tell myself I have such incredible ideas and research value and passion that I would have to get in, but I started to repeat those same words that were attached to the fear they came from until even the thought of neuroscience caused a left brain trigger into that right side fear and they all became one. Memories of pain and dreams of the future turned to words in the left and crossing callosum resources to the right of rejection emotion until ideas of the future only held rejection.
I ‘like’ how my brain knows what to do. I knew to tilt my head back for the beer rinse when before I’d get flustred at the liauid drooling down but would think too much instead of do
So when the brain ‘craves’ the drug…does it feel that want for that motion (especially at any frustration of internalization?)
Tomorrow if I did the rinse and tried to think too much would my brain ask for the drug??
(compensation assessment in callosum/vivid so easy so brain thinks of (/because it is just vivid))