Oh my god I’d forgotten what it was like to fear food.
the past few days
Well you see, I grew up as a kid that trapped in her own mind and desperately wanted to escape. Then I realized I was stuck in that mind and I hated it, I despised myself for forcing me to exist within myself. I felt I was trapped forever. Even if I went to heaven I’d still have to be in me.
I had all these bright life sparks though, you know? My brain clung to living like the most evolved creature on the planet. My body was at this bottle of telling me to die and wanting me to live, and there I was listening to the screaming in my head while drifting into future fantasies of myself and Justin climbing through this huge plane of existence where there were long white stretches of rock as far as you could see. They flowed up into rare caves, the most of the place being smooth with slight curves, like a woman’s breasts as she lies on her back and they arch into hardened rocks. A few trees burst through the rock, white and black wood with green dark leaves mixed with bright green in the most natural way your eyes can imagine. Or I suppose it would be your brain imaging, but maybe your eyes do get involved. Maybe they tingle the receptors of imagination as we ‘view’ the past or ‘view’ the future.
Or are all the images so stored within us that it is simply stored light inside of us to show us the pictures of our imagination?
Are we capturing the past or creating with the eyes?
As a child I didn’t know where my mind had gone wrong, and well, it seemed everyone else’s was this way too. I would talk to people about my pain and my screaming, and well they seemed sane but I could feel it and see it on their face. I knew they were like me. I just wanted to talk about it and confirm it. To make sure they felt what I felt. That I wasn’t alone in this pain. I couldn’t be…there were too many like me. What the fuck was fucking us?
They would tell me about the demons they had. They would tell me about how at night dark shadows crawled on the wall, but not every night, so it was okay. I had a friend that would see me catching on fire. He said it happened all the time. He said I was the first one he had told. That it horrified him, but that it was okay.
“Yeah but…you see me on fire. Do you ever want to make that happen?”
No. No. I’m in control of it.
Months later he told me that was a lie and that it was getting worse. We were dating at the time. We kissed in the back of the car. I felt nothing. As though he was nothing, he wasn’t there. I assumed it was a lack of attraction. Now I realize he was dead. He just didn’t know it. So many humans. So numb to our own lives. I was numb to mine. I was disconnected so much I was just a watcher. I’ve been existential for as far back as my mind knows.
That’s probably from it taking any memory without the pain and turning into pain. You see when you recall good memories while you’re in pain, or if you just recall any memory at all, the feeling initially attached to it is going to change to the emotion you have now.
You take a sunset walk with your lover and she spills whiskey in your mouth while dancing, it just swoops up and right in, and you two know you’re in love. Well a year later she kills your cat.
Your on the beach one day and you see the sand she danced on. For a moment you ‘feel’ the love you felt then (possibly in the right hemisphere) and then it goes through your resources (checking how you need to react to the fear/what tools do you have to handle the emotion)Well then comes the image of your love. You see her face and her on the sand, the memory is now in your brain as though it is your present reality.
Well now you connect that memory to your present emotion. You feel the memory while you’re seeing it.
Then that moment feels your present emotion of pain.
Fuck mate! It goes. This bitch causes pain! It alerts your brain to fear that bitch. Man she hurt you, and she’s getting stored for it.
Welcome to your amygdala. Well that just enchances the memory and stores it in your hippocampus. Then it holds a lot of memories around it somehow.
Not sure on that yet. Makes some senses though.
Well now a lot of good memories are stored as well. That fear of that pain stored up all the memories associated with her. It doesn’t want you to use her anymore.
Then we get stuck in ‘stages’
Sup Fraud? How’s that grave? I’m proving you up in this baracade!
Yeah. Ainsley’s a rapper.
She really likes to pretend at least.
So your brain freaks the flip into itself and stores that person. We ‘lose’ all those memories (“Yeah for some reason I can’t remember from the ages of about 12-15. I can even remember around it, just not those years.”
“Yeah same. Haha. Memory is such a crazy thing.”
“Dude you’re going to get alzheimers.”
Ha….*face pauses and droops* Well my grandma actually has it. It seems to run in the family.
There’s no gene though.
Yeah but we all just seem to get it.There’s no scientific gene found. It’s like we just develop it.”
Sigh….they’re just so obvious to me now. Oh yeah I finally figured out what OCD like four days ago. I’ll get some words from the post later for it. It’s already explained pretty well in those ones so I’d rather not remake them. My mind did well the first time.
So I was hearing screaming in my head, but then I’d remember roaming through trees and dancing like a fairy. My brain had all of these happy moments . It was showing me my resources.
Hey! Remember this tree?! Well I feel a sense of happiness from it. You need to be happy.
Here. Here. Here’s how to get it!!
Go climb this tree so we can survive!
But then that memory came into us right then. We even tried it. We climbed the three. We played an old board game. We drew again. We sang again. We tried to love again.
But then it didn’t work. THe brain didn’t want a memory that no longer works. Well and now you feel pain as the past turns to pain. Your brain tells you it was a ‘lie’. It tells you that never made you happy. Because it wants you to avoid that pain. It isn’t a resource that will work to evolve.
We only use things that work so we can evolve. Survival of the fittest.
So the amygdala takes itself into that memory, or maybe the memory goes into the amygdala. Huh. I do wonder how it captures that blueprint.
So the amygdala creates a storage into the amygdala.
Oh if you could watch a reality shatter you could follow the memory to the present moment and they see if they amygdala activates and then the hippocampus. it could mean the image itself does get stored. Then when you ‘recall’ it by seeing them on the sand it takes that resource perception back into you.
It shows you a memory of it being attached to pain in order to tell you to avoid it. Then you feel pain.
So then it does store a type of blueprint that is then use din resource assessment in the callosum….or even around it as well. Maybe a structure even. What’s going on with those thalamus’s up there.
OH. Let me explain what those are: It’s in my favorite book in existence :INtroduction to Biopsychology. Wait I have a story to tell.
So as a kid I turned all those past moments climbing a tree into pain once I did them again and felt…wait no that’s not true. None of those were harmed. Every time I climbed a tree I felt a connection again. No matter the pain I was in and the disconnect I felt to reality, a tree would make it go away. Not go away.
It would make ‘it’ come back into me. I could feel again. Even as I say that though I see older memories. True ones. Where I was in …a cold state. I see myself bending into a tree, expecting that rush and tingle of life in me. To make the pain go away.
Then I’d feel nothing. I felt betrayed.
The tree had lied to me.
No…I had lied to me. I thought it would work.
(But I mean, lies are just the brain pretending it has a resource when it doesn’t anyway. It pretends to have it to make up for the fact it can’t find the right path to get you out of the situation. Camoflauge yourself. Come on. All the animals are doing it. Okay not all, but we’re like fucking color changing prayamantis. Oh or when they go still to pretend they aren’t there. See? Other creatures know how to lie. It’s just an adaptation).
Even Magikarp fakes it. He evolves into a boss though)
Here’s an example from Animal of what my mind used to be like:
There’s some light though:
God just go fucking read that book. It really is brilliant. I’ve even had so many reality shatters sine then that I’m not being arrogant. I can sometimes remember writing it, but really it has been so long, and there’s so much pain around that book and writing it that it’s a lot of the memories I’ve blocked out. I was in so much pain then, and I’m sure it stored a lot of those memories up to protect me.
When I do remembere it…’feel it’ sometimes. Some of it is coming back. Especially when I’m high. It actually drops the limbic system. That’s why you can ‘see’ so much when high.
Or you can remember so much when drunk. You spiral as you feel all that pain. The memory of your ex, then your ex in a white dress or black boxers, you remember the good and you ‘need’ them back as a resource, but they won’t have you back so your brain has to reacess, you reach more and more memories and more and more pain. Then we get sooo depressed. But that’s also because your brain is literally on a depressent so I think it gives you negative action potentials and if you reach one that is too low your body decides to kick you off the food chain and it tells you to do so.
Get off me!! Your brain …oh I do have a drawing for this. I want a new to be more like geroff geroff though. Like the brain trying to sling you from it…how do you draw the food chain trying to kick you off it. Oh. The diagram of the food chain. Mwahaha. Duh.
So there was so much pain blocking that time. That’s actually why I came over here in the first place. Well I was making meat and felt this love for it. I’ve been overeating lately and I’ve been able to tell it’s fear and I’ll want to stop but I can’t and then I hate food and my body and just can’t stop, rebounding from that fear. Obsessive compulsions.
So I ws eating the meat and something triggered. I felt love. Right where my body had been feeling fear I broke it and felt love. I wonder if being high helped. Oh yeah different path.
Takes that pain and turns it to love. Somehow. I did feel a shock. Like it unblocked it.
I wonder what triggered me into that ppain.
Maybe jsut eating, I did overeat a bit before it and felt out of control and did feel fear. Maybe it being freshed helped. Maybe your brain starts at the last resource it rememnbers
Then I remembered back to loving food. I found all those blocked memories. I remembered at Key west (ooh which I have been thinking of today) and when I was eating fish and how I loved it. A time I ate without that fear. I remembered being in the kitchen with Brennan and loving food and get excited…oh Brennan has become unblocked due to us talking two days ago. I wonder if helped umblock all this fear and pain. Since so much love I had for food was in the kicthen when we were in love, I’d blocked those memories up with that love because the memories were toegther.
So then I blocked out the food with it.
Now when I have the food and my brain tries to path to love it feels that pain.
So I would eat and my body would almost remember back to that time, and then it would rebound when it got claose and I’d feel fear.
That’s not the whole picture. bI can feel it there’s more to it than that.
I’e been overeating regardless. I thin it’s more my fault than that. That I just can’t connect. I’ve always been this way…except that’s a lie. I wasn’t . With Brennan I was very full and satisfied. I neverfelt fear. I just loved food. He even said he’d look over and say I was the happiest person alive when in that kitchend.
“what are you doing? Ohhh just watching you.
You just get so happy when you’re in there. I see his smile…I loved that memory. We were so happy.
When we talked two days ago we had already talked a day before that. It went badly I even brough up the nreakup so I could explain reality shatters.
He got defensive but at first he still seemed happy. He was faking it because thirty seconds later he was saing truly hurtful things that reminded me of the past….hmmm…tirggered him into it.
So he felt that pian from those memories and then lashed out wtih words that reminded me of that time too. We wer eboth connecting to that same memory and that pain. Us fighting. Him treating me like a child. Saying that what I was doing was wrong. He lashed out about being another in m ypool. It must have hurt him…what happened with Michael.
I cheated on him. Kind of. In reality he knew I was goingto go have sex in Austin before him and I got together. I lied about the person. I said it was Alex. It wasn’t. Alex was just smaller and not a threat so I told him it was Alex. Then it was Michael. Michael was a threat. I made him even more of one.
I stored that memory in his brain. In Brennan’s. I took what was adaptable, a puny man enteering me, and switched that pass assessment into a lie. IT was Michael. The brain gets mad, I lied to it. It stores me as a threat.
He no longer trust me. He feels that I am a ‘liar’ and thus a bad resource. I am an adaptation now as he paths away from me as I am not a reliable resource. I’m like…a poisoned berry he needs to not eat.
But …we still lived together. We still lvoed each other, right? We fought. We fought and it would seem to make no sense why iuntil we ‘ineviablu’ got back to a pain that was associated with being inferior. With Michael.
You’re still not over it?! I’d say. Knowing that was it and needing him to admit it so we oculd get into it and ‘move on’.
I’m sorry I am. I just thought if it waas alex and not Michael you woulnd’t worry about it wa smuch. I didn’t want it to be an alpah thing.
EVery time I get high I come right. I’m internalizeing
When I used the speaker on my phone the other day I was on a stimulant, caffeine
Proves internalization idea….so is that afferent neres going in …internalizing you
Expand when high though…connect more……hrmmmzies
What if that paranoia when high is just us accessing all that pain and memories
So we feel like others are watching us because we get scared, especially if there’s other people around