Michael Gazzaniga Holds my Dream in his Inbox

I did it.

I emailed him.

I didn’t even edit it.

I made the email, thought of editing it, and just compulsed my mouse up to send.

I just couldn’t do it. I was too in fear.

Ugh not even I can control the fear right now.

I got dressed and decided I’m driving to Alpine. I just need to move. Fear is in here. Fear is in the future. So the future needs to move. At 75 miles an hour…80 actually, down a West Texas road. Fuck it. I might just keep driving until I reach him and then put his fingers on the computer and drag his eyes to the Inbox.

Do you know that scene in Howl’s Moving Castle where Sophie turns into an old lady and turns frantic and goes “I have to stay calm. I have to stay calm.”?

That scene keeps playing in my head. If you haven’t seen that movie go watch it now or feel deprived forever.

Functioning is so hard right now!!

I want to put myself in a machine and see what all is lighting up and what all is stangnant. I think my left and right are battling between emotion and English. Must be because when I am typing this I feel calm. I stop and freak the flip out again.

Okay. Bye .Alpine. Go do.

I’m scared. No no. Got this.

Letter:

Greetings Doctor Gazzaniga,

In cracking open your book I looked back to the picture and was amazed to see an older man. I had thought you to be young and a gorgeous savant of the mind that I would be able to attach testimonies of sexual exploits and future moments to. That sacredness had to shatter I’m afraid, but it would be restored soon enough. In fact, I went back to your picture seconds later and saw a professor and a wise man. I saw someone with wisdom and knowledge and wanted to know all of it.

In reality I had built up your blueprint in my brain from the forward of your book: Tales From Both Sides of the Brain. (Blueprint being the fine motor movement of the left side forming a picture and then recalling it back up later, but more on that later). I’ve been ‘imagining’ working in neuroscience for some time now, and the emotion has built up into a strong storage of the word. I started with Human  and became addicted to your thoughts. I also felt one of those moments in my being that told me would work together. Not lightly in part due to the past memories that broke and combined in the moment of seeing your book in my library and realizing it was about the passion I had already formed, and it was linked to my first book Animal

I read the beginning pages of the book I already knew would matter to my life, and felt bliss from those first letters on white pages, each word resonating. I still felt fear that the humor and laughter at the conference were scientists laughing at the tomfoolery of a thought that there was a separation from right and left brain. I thought they were mocking you. I felt the fear of wanting to be a scientist but being too odd and gullible to ever aspire to such a feat. Personal held fear. 

A feat of being able to claim a science mind, in my brain, was of such honor and sacredness that I could barely hope for it.

Then, I got to the part where other scientists were laughing with you and you were laughing with them. Relief broke across my hemispheres and the left blueprints were cleansed by that right feeling of pain getting to readapt into a feeling of belonging.

Then I got to your actual words in the book. Automatically I leaned back a bit in fear, wanting to get the feeling of neuroscience from your words. I wanted that feeling I got in Eevan Akers class (my Biopsychology professor that first told me about Wernicke’s area and Broca’s area and the left and right brain). I longed to connect back to the memory feeling that was stored when I read Human for the first time. That feeling that you get and that every science mind gets when we feel that state of awareness overtake us and long to have that feeling for the rest of our lives.

I was scared I wouldn’t get it from your words, but I did. It took about a paragraph before I put the book down, yelled thank you into the air and curled into a ball, with the book in my body, to trap myself in the feeling.

You made me feel so much in my right that I became immersed in it, but no, it wasn’t just the right. You so intensely connected my right side emotions to my left blueprints and memory fondlings that I became that connection of the past to the point I could no longer feel the present; we should try to recreate it someday in a machine to prove it. Not with me of course, the bias might interfere. Or we could even do both and track to see how bias happens in the brain, but I have other studies ideas to lend to that which would be more concrete. 

Bias seems to be created from reformations of blueprint memories against new right side emotion. This creates photoshopped emotion memories (named after the Forward in the book where Steven Pinker states, “When I visualize that day I see bluebirds and a rainbow, but I suspect they were Photoshopped into my memories by the overall impression of warmth, vivacity, and the free-ranging interests of our bighearted host,” and I realize it’s the perfect name for a theory I’ve been working on where your blueprint changes as you recall it and create that false memory. The brain takes that emotion that leads to that initial formed memory (right to left) and then re-adapts to it with the new emotion currently being felt. Well that’s going to change up the words of the memory as well as other factors of the fine motor movement storage of the memory and create a new memory that is based on the new emotion being currently felt (as opposed to the emotion felt when the memory was created).

This happens not just with old memories but can happen in real time. People that are creating the memory in their head in the present tense might be feeling different emotions. When you fight with someone your emotions could be anger and theirs could be of fear and defensiveness. Their brain will remember you bearing down on them and when they try to remember that moment fear might block them from what was actually said, or even create a blueprint that involves a fear blueprint stimuli that changes the storage of the English language in it and maybe even colors to the room.

The person in anger could remember you saying more aggressive words as their brain processes you as a threat/confrontation.

I don’t really know on that, the details are just from self analysis and stereotyping, but I think it has some bone works to it.

My idea has developed into resource assessment being in the corpus callosum based on this post of mine in a blog I run called The Box of Chocolates Experiment. 

The blog started as a self food test to see if I could prove suicide is caused by the brain literally telling you to kill itself.

I tracked 65 pieces of mental data for 35 days to prove it and then published a book on it. Just through Amazon though, but I like to work at the underground.

In that experiment I found that suicide and sex might be rebounding formations in the brain. One tells you to reproduce and the other tells you to kill it.

That blog has 212 posts now and they’ve all started to revolve around neuroscience. It takes my life and the awareness of the brain within it, and twists stories and narratives into how the brain works.

Currently I’m weeding out the idea of OCD. I think they form obsessions based on category formations. We start with just one blueprint attachment to fear, such as a table. We learn that the table has tons of germs on it and feel the emotion of fear. The blueprint of ‘germ’ is also created. We then put the table into the germ category.

Table comes from a calm emotion in the right attached to the blueprint of the table in the left. We recall that blueprint/the table and change the emotion for it by attaching it to the current emotion in our right hemisphere.

Then when we think of table we no longer view it as the initial emotion, but have instead attached it to fear. Eventually the brain categorizes more objects into the germ category. The brain then fears everything that could have ‘germs’ on it. The brain then tries to assess its resources (I think this happens in the callosums since they are between the hemipheres, specifically in the corpus callosum). The brain is in a room and thinks of what best to put a cup on and the brain thinks of table, but in that memory recall it sees table which is then attached to that fear. I think it puts the brain into a frantic state as every resource is attached to fear.

I just came up with that yesterday though so megafurther testing is needed.

I also want to prove that caffeine activates the limbic system and causes us to get caught in short term memory to where we are over accessing whatever part of our brain is capturing present time. All stimulants might do this, but I think there’s a difference based on if they interact with the CNS directly and which nerves they deal with. Weed seems to be dealing with afferent and efferent nerves while alcohol feels like it is mostly internal. 

With these stimulants we can determine what ‘internalization’/thought even is and where it happens. When on stimulants, as self tested by a friend with me, it is harder to read. Internalizating words is difficult and we wanted to speak more. I bet it deals with Broca’s and Wernicke’s areas even.

When on weed/other depressants you suddenly remember more, your past floods in. I think with the limbic system calming down the amygdala calms down and we gain access to the memories it protects us from. We ‘see’ the past and all the pain in it. This can lead to a spiral.

I’ve put enough words into here I believe. I had this feeling of being ‘alone’ today. I wanted to tell someone that I may have proved OCD and realized I could tell all of my friends, but I couldn’t tell anyone that could help me with it.

I just graduated from Texas Tech and am about to start applying to colleges after taking my GRE. Unfortunately I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life the first years of college and failed a couple of classes. I took time off and discovered what my passion really is. My last year that’s proven with all As and one B, but it only brought me up to a 2.75 GPA. I truly want to pursue cognitive neuroscience and I am hoping you can help me.

Sincerely,

Ainsley Daschofsky

Also this email should be expiring within the next couple of months. If you do wish to contact me I can also be reached at ainsleydash@gmail.com

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