Oh finally fucking today
My brain wanted to share again.
I willingly offered to bring Rachel goddess ghee chocolate, coconut oil chocolate and both again but with salt (in truffle form I think, haven’t decided yet). Isn’t it cool that decision will materialize into life tomorrow?
So I’ve been worrying about budget. In bragging news I’ve lived on about $6 every day for most of the days here, sometimes even less. I’ll just get a $2.50 shot of espresso, use $2.50 on the gas to Alpine. On the weekends no gas because I’ll stay for the weekend since Do Your Thing is Open, and then I’ll have a 1/4th of my $10 pound of meat and an egg.
At first it was scary, because if I needed over that I might get fucked. You see my budget was set and working, but now I’m going to a film festival in Arizona for a documentary I was in. I need to finish a book by then too : Loving Your Raped Body, that is changing to Loveng Your Raped Body (a lot of it will deal with allowing it to be wrong).
So in changing and worrying and concreting that resource assessment into fear in my brain I’ve been more ‘stingy’. I don’t want to go out as much/go to bars because my brain says. Hey! Hey! That $5 is food man.
So it keeps me in, and then I’ll hate it, and eat more, and get lost in brain resources feeling fragile and scared.
That’s been going on about the last two weeks. It’s been infuriating.
Today I cleansed my mind. It started last night. I went over the budget again and again, solidifying the dollars as having enough.
Things kept changing resource wise too. I was meant to have an extra $200 by now that hasn’t come through, and I might get $100 from the IRS by the 26th for taxes. So then I decided to even write an article of 10 Mental Disorders you can literally see for a website for $100 and it got stressful, probably because it rebounded on the resources fear.
It’s been intriguing to watch my brain through the battle.
I released all the resource potentials this morning. I was driving here, to Cedar Coffee and realized I was making myself hate the idea of sitting outside Do Your Thing and writing love tales for people. I started to rely on the idea of the money behind it.
Money. A potent resource. One we’ve attached so much need to.
This morning my brain said. “I don’t need them.” And in a ‘true’ way. The thoughts flowed as an after to my body.
Releasing that need I finally felt free. That weight lifted. I saw myself doing the tales and wanted to vs shuddered from it.
I thought of food and felt control. I knew I could wait til later, and loved it again. Fear of ‘needing’ food and not having enough makes you rebound from taste even I think.
I couldn’t taste as well. I ate fast. I ate with fear.
I’ll need to think and expand, but it is fascinating so far to watch resources as permanent brainsplosions of fear.
Sharing feels better. I want to keep it, and find how much it plays us.
For your cocoa ghee mind pleasure:
Oh yeah that fucking bowl is part of it.
I bought this necklace for $175
and tried to return it, but instead she said I had to do an exchange. Mind grrs.
I actually flipped the shop off two days ago, it felt freeing.
I nearly never hold vengeance, because I flop to understanding so quick and just want to understand it or automatically do.
Her pissed me off.
I understood. Artist. Someone elses art even. Sales are final.
My mind was angry because she has more resources.
And I had to buy a $115 bowl. That one.
View it as a sculpture.
I love sculptures.
Favorite form of art
*mind redirects into love through ‘sculpture’ connection*
It worked automatically
Still hate the fucking cup though. It’s at home so I’ll upload a picture of that later.
Honstely I’m thking of showing her the ghee blog post with the bowl (at Mind Lifting Mouthgasms) and then randomly trying to lace in the words of returning just the cup to find a loving compromise of money.
*thinks* come on love, you’re a writer bard.
I actually feel really attached to that bowl now.