Absinthe Trip 2016

Last night:

Internal self assessment after absinthe and woacoan is fine motor movement enchanged. Structure of obejects nd detail is vivd

Assessment of

Don’t want to talk

Like to watch

Want to interact with humans though, be inside them, merge with them

Every ‘feeling’ of self and existence has been stimulating and desirable, I love my’self and myself

Luaghitn constantly

Life efeels like a dream

Don’t care about it

At all!!!!

Just eists with no assessment of ‘bad’

Definitely manic

Lag at existence

Takes a lag to realize I popped my lips or made nay motion

Not registering in current time

Lag to motions thus fine motor movement of realith,…

This morning:

Saw small version of self

Went on about organ meat, just like broke the fuck down and said “I just…there’s no organ meat here. And I need it. There’s just beef, and it’s only 15% and I don’t…I just.” And broke down.

I analyzed myself while buried in Vince’s caring arms, and realized it was a starkblueprint of all over pain to the last few days and to being here. Somehow it had deeply manifested into having  no organ meat.

I’d been concerned before…but not that heavily converned. Maybe it needed to burst through and I was in denial, or, in fact, my resource assessment value was set to “Freak the flip out! We are low! Oh we are super fucking low!1 There’s no resources anywhere and we are scared. Get us them. Get us them now. Wait…oh fuck….no…we can’t get them. We’re on absinthe and tequila and chartreuise and we have no function. Fuck…let’s just…fuck….I don’t even know. Let’s just break allllll the previous established resource connections. They aren’t real man.” ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd reality shatter of previous reserouce assessment into teary Ainsley over organ meat

Contributions to this idea is how it started. There’s a man that was talking about deer meat here. I asked about getting some and he said I’d have to talk to What’ss his name (he knew the name). I asked when he got back and Vince was like “It’s okay. We can just ask tomorrow and led me to bed.” I got wild eyed and said “Are you sure” with this deep desperation. “Yes.” “Pinkie promise.” Somehow that calmed me. That pinkie promise was so legit in my head.

Now that is a previous established connotation of the past…which explains why my brain accepted it. It was deep accessing past resrouces and accepted them as an established base. I’ve made people pinkie promise in the past as a very legitimate promise. I also hold myself to them. It’s been used in serious things as well that I had to believe would happen…I should access how that started. So many layers to it…I just heard “Abbey” in my head so she must be linked to some blueprint.

Oh my blueprtinting ferocity!!! When on absinthe I,….lines and angles and the material world ‘stood out’. My fine motor movement assessment was stark and on a scale of about 14 to the usual 10 cap of the scale. Very vivid and very aware.

Also I had a hallucination. Two of them. When I awoke around midnight. It was a shadow one. The common hallucination of a shadow above you, and then it left the room and there was a pretty one. Very demon and angelesque. I stored the memory of the dark one but not the light…grrr.   But I felt one before sleep too, and it was from absinthe. It can definitely create hallucinations, this is actually already known.

After waking at mindinght I got some water, settled back into sleep, and couldn’t. I was okay with it. Not at first, I tried to bring it on with relaxation and old memories, but at some point it felt like sleep without sleeping. Somehow ‘I’/my body knew it was relaxed enough to count as sleep. That’s even what I said to me. We’d gone to bed at like nine anyway, so I knew I didn’t have to worry about enough sleep. The thoughts just flowed in this vividly  relaxed awareness of themselves. It’s like I was meditating with slight hallucinations. It was beautiful really. As though I was a hallucination of myself, and was just meditating inside my own existence.

I really liked it.

At one point there was this vivid hallucination of a small me. I’ve seen it before, just milder and it would flee…well no it’s been this way before, the memory just didn’t feel so vivid/the moment of it. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to pull the memory through all the memories since it happened, but usually I do have to ‘cling’ when I see small me. It happens when I feel ‘regressed’ or access past pain. Especially when I try to move past childhood memories. I’ll feel this deep, deep fear and then see myself as a small person. Literally just….smaller. The size ranges too.

In a shadow.

I can make myself larger by accessing the fear and then merge into myself. It generally has a cleanse feeling, at the end, but it can start with a lot of pain and sometimes I lose it and don’t cleanse it all.

This time I saw it vividly and knew exactly what to do. I simply found  where the pain was and cleansed it. There was no search around for it or force. I simply did it. Nothing was in the way.

I also really ‘loved me’ last night. I was quite manic, but I realized how strong the love was and another layer of me, the aware of what was happening and told me that this was mania (with excitement and no anger. I love self discovery and realized I could put myself in a machine on this and figure out hallucinations…oh such bliss excitement), but that layer thought back on old and recent layers of dislike of myself. I even told you in the sugar post I’ve had some self misery and ‘stuck inside’ self feelings as of late.

I would like to give them all to sugar addiction and mind storage of the drug with fine motor thoughts as the storage, but also I cannot be sure until I’m fully off of sugar and the thoughts remain gone. So far any of those ‘thougths’ that always have a direct feeling, the same one each time in the same area of pain (lending to the theory), are gone. I try to reach them, even have the thoughts, feel a trinkle/connection for a moment, sometimes hear a scream, and it’s gone. I’m adapting and cleansing them.

So I registered the love of self feeling and told myself to check the withdrawal later to see if there was hatred.

Drugs withdrawals having opposite effects and all.

There fucking was!!

At midnight when I woke up there was a thought of some sort and then I felt anger and heard the word hate and it was being used towards me.

Of course, my brain may have stored the word and used it in my awakening from earlier, but the feeling was there. It was the exact opposite of the bliss love feel from earlier, which was at a 13 (10 remaining a norm scale) and the hatred was a 4. It was not a deep level penetration of self loathing…actually it was for a second but then bounded off. It felt…actually yeah it was deep. Like….like a demon level of deep.

See that’s just it.

Both feeling felt like ‘me’ as they were inside my head, but they also felt like separate entities of my existence. They existed outside me.

Lending to a feeling of hallucination….but obviously they were me. So what the fuck is that reality?

Also life planning was easy. I kept planning and planning just ‘knowing’ what to do. It shocked up the words I read in my biopsychology book of manics. They take the world and just do shit. They have this high level of confidence

Oh I think I get confidence now, the assessment of resources lines up and your brain ‘decides’ more easily. The more I get on keto the more ‘confidence’ I have, and I can feel it in my brain. It has no fear towards resources. It simply ‘decides’ what to do and the fear doesn’t interplay as it had been recently. All resources set to go rather than search for ‘no’s. I can think of going to the bar and think of reasons to go, when I’m going, what to drink, the excitement I’ll have and the people I’ll talk to.

Before I would think of going and my brain would assess how to get out of it. I even walked to it just to get my brain more close to going. “If I just get within thirty feet, no if I pass by it, I can go in tomorrow. One step at a time…ha…lliteralness” and I would get scared. Then that night I did get close I realized the people weren’t so scary. In fact, they were kind of unattractive and Western. My  brain laughed at the reality shatter. I’d held these people on some type of pedestal, lifted by fear that made them gods.  The inner laugh proved that I had been thinking of them as greater than the reality of them. I enjoyed the walk home, knowing I’d broken some of the fear.

So I was feeling very confident last night. I realized I need to set up affiliate Amazon links, that Arizona would be epic and something else. One of them was a previous fear that was then gone. I also decided to start the restaurant rather than pursue neuroscience. It felt like what I truly wanted. I just hadn’t known it yet. Yeah. Let’s open the restaurant.

That’s where I paused.

And became aware of that analysis.

I felt around it, knowing that it could be the mania rather than what ‘I wanted’.

What even was the ‘I wanted’ feeling at all?

Reaching in I felt laughter and bliss, knowing my brain was just loving whatever I gave it. I thought of neuroscience again and wanted it again…oh I just realized that. I thought it was because it was easier for the restaurant but I bet it wasn’t about the actual stimuli of restaurant vs neuroscience.

It was just anything that I gave my brain was met with planning and no fear.

Wow mania is fun. It really, really is. All the fear you feel towards life just blisses into balloons. The hangover though, ugh. I’m not happy. Also deer meat guy came back and I immediately planned to ‘go get water’ in order to talk to him, but then that felt like a lie and I analyzed why I wouldn’t just tell Vince that’s where I was going. I felt like he would stop me somehow and my brain didn’t want to work around that. So I decided to tell Vince…but my English didn’t happen. I just lay there instead. ….I wonder if I was already coming down..it was probably at two ish hours into it.

Well I even went out to use the restroom with half musings of talking to deer meat guy, 80% planned to, but I get out there and don’t want to talk at all. My body doesn’t even look at them. I was an animals just with  myself, and could not account them into the situation.

Opposite reactions to before where I loved people and wanted them.

My brain was at a resource low.

I still didn’t feel fear…a bit ish at their existence, yet it melted. I got water.

Around midnight they were still making TV noise. It kept me from sleep at first. I kept imagning killing them, just going in there with a knife and killing them all. It was vivid and unabashed. I didn’t even stop my mind, I knew it wouldn’t happen, but everytime this guy laughed, it was a horrid loud laugh, I would just see a knife going through them all. It was easy too. My brain knew it could kill them. I even ‘wanted’ to. I didn’t stop the emotion.

….all those humans…I know so many. You’ve heard of therapy and when we’re younger or even know, you get locked away when you want to kill people. You start to see yourself killing even your loved ones. You fear yourself…or you kill them.

I got it from four shots…yeah I realized the total too late. That’s too much for me. There were two shots in each drink and the second I had to down because Vince wanted out of there and I could tell. Since we got there he had changed into not enjoying me as much. I thought it was me. I even asked if he was okay at the bar and he said yes, but he’d already called me hippy (he’s admitted that’s a defense mechanism to when I’m right about his health) and said another cruel thing like ‘stop talking’ or around those lines. It hurt. Before we’d arrived we’d been in sync and enjoying each other, and once we left and gogot in the car he immediately returned to himself, even enjoyed me more than before (or the contrast was there) and we reached comfort. I think being around people just throws his brain off right now. He broke down in my arms two nights ago from his pain. The shooting is getting to him. Not getting to. It’s in him. He talks to me about how he thinks the man he shot is going to come for him. He’s crazy. He didn’t kill him. He pushed his thumbs into this man’s eye sockets and pushed his thumbs in. He showed me the motion while breaking down. He was so drunk. He was accessing all those limbic stored memories.

He says his body is set to kill. He didn’t finish the job and his body knows. Every sound and just existing his body is set to …overreact. It can’t calm down.

Being at bars, surrounded by people, must really set his brain off…

Eventually his roommates went to bed. That’s when I just lay there, relaxed, like being in the calmest lake with tiny fairies dancing on the drops of water they dance into the air. Green surrounding. So tranquil and yet alive.

I looked at the clock seconds later and it had been two hours.

A bit of shock but a slight laugh because it was beautiful and didn’t matter. I went back to laying there, emjoying all my thoughts and trying to store the good ones to tell you later, but my brain didn’t force me to this laptop or go over and over memories to keep (I find ways to remember by making a vivid blueptrint such as time frame. I had to remember stuff during yoga  because I couldn’t just leave to write it down. Oh wait time frame was at the lecture. I realized I could store memories in a time frame because the body allows us to remember how we reached a resource. I played into that bodiliy reaction to store. I then vividly imagined a clock inside of a frame. I made it purple, infusing the memory. I think that even connects the left and right if you use color, emotion into the blueprint). My brain didn’t try to store them last night. It created some like seeing me small, the hallucination and the organ meat, fuck that one is vivid without trying…too vivid, like a movie. It literally feels the same to remember organ meat as it does to think of a movie. That comparison is simply reality because I thought of it just now and thought of movies too. They’re the same storage wise.

Since movies are too vivid for the human brain that means my memory storage was acting too vividly, the manic side.

So what was compensating…?

When manic I couldn’t access danger

!!

And yet I wanted to kill.

Knew I wouldn’t do it though….

So if danger assessment is low…you know I wanted to kill them but didn’t assess it was 3v1. That’s interesting.

My body wouldn’t do it because I was drunk, but if it could…I may have had to stop myself. Truly. The idea of doing it was very strong without any repercussion boundaries to it.

So yes, to be manic my brain compensated it’s fear assessment. Whatever assesses danger was low.

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