You can Always go Back but Then you won’t Know what was Forward

I‘ve been musing over the future in much of my thoughts lately. Considering it was only recently I decided to have a future, or was even able to connect to wanting one, this is odd territory for me.
The terrain sticks to my shoes yet melts into morning drinks.
I’m writing in pages while trying to grow the trees for them at the same time. Nothing is ready and yet it goes on.

In a way I’ve wanted kids for my lifespan. Because…I love them and would love to watch a human as they fondled this world and learned how to peel leaves and watch someone’s skin as they begin to smile. I would sing made up songs until we made one together and wrote it into pages for generations to sing, our own oral tales to carry on. Iwould write her children’s books and stitch him clothes of the modern era yet with little punk twists and video game tags. I’d have him a jacket and with each book he read or game he played we’d stitch that symbol into it.
dare to say that I’ve even said aloud I want a child more than a husband. 
Then it changed when I knew having a child was not right…that bringing a human into this hell was damnation that my body was causing. I did not fear the child being disobedient or ruining my life, but feared that I would ruin life by bringing it here.
In a way that has changed, as long as I can move. I still refuse to raise a child in America. This is not a place for humans, it is a place for slaves to me. Some are enlightened but most are…just…stagnant. I love many many humans here, and would live here if not for the government, but when it comes to food…
Look fast food and toxins have infiltrated America so much that we can’t even breath without them entering us, and I refuse to raise a human here with a toxic mind developing into the pain that I had…the pain I see so often my skin tingles and I feel such deep throbbing…I care. I can never stop despite how deep the hurt can leak throughout. 
Violence is everywhere, and I believe that is also part of food, I was never more violent then when on fast food, and never loved gore more, but that is extensively seen in other posts. Find them.

So I’m debating DiffereNt  LifE pAths
There’s one where I could just blog, both the food and this one, and write books, but that feels like an old dream. That dream holds colors of memory but presently dims to blacks and grays with white linings. I even see someone shutting the door to an old wooden home as smoke gently escapes the last fire.

I could go back into that home and light the fire and hear laughter and fulfillment, living out days I would enjoy and feel full with, as long as the little voice in the back of my head left, but that voice never leaves.
I want to not pursue my masters and then PhD because it sounds really fucking difficult and it is saying that, yet again, trying to save people is more important than myself.

I have to be a case study where they scan my brain for a week on organ meat, where I am in a room with just a journal,  books and a pen, and they know what I eat exactly. There’s cameras to prove it. 

They show me pictures of children, gore, a knife, an attractive male, a less attractive male and gauge how my brain reacts. Even show me my family.

Then they give me fast food for a week.

Show me the same objects each day and see how my brain reacts.

Or just do …three weeks of control data. Organ meat, fast food week, lfhc week, lchf week, paleo week,….sigh. I want to do this so badly, but I fear it as well.

Just two days ago I had a tiny shake and woke up yesterday with ill connection to life. My car became an object with no sentiment attached. I could feel myself not connecting to it. Generally it holds the past, present, and future in its curves. Yesterday it was just a car.

Despite knowing that it was the food I couldn’t break from it. There was no connection no matter how hard the mind tried. I tried connecting to when I connected to it, but it just broke, unable to attach.

Fast food week, with the rebound of just organ meat…will be horrid and I won’t be able to connect out of it. I’m so fucking scared of doing this experiment again…I really just want it over with. I know it will work…I have no doubts now. And after it people won’t be able to doubt anymore.

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