I’ve been analyzing this self case of depression.
What is my mind doing?
Fix it Vs Let it Be
Instead of wanting to fix this world and seeing ways to do it, with hope singing in my ears and giving them a little bath from tiny fairies, I’m feeling that this world should just go it alone so I can leave and hope for a better next lifetime.
The basic mindstream of kill myself so I can go to the fae plane.
At first…. (Excerpt from last blog post:)
(“Except that there was no expectation, or desire, or want. In fact I became suicidal two nights ago in a waking moment. Between REM and repeating my sleep cycles (your body wakes up if you need to take care of bodily needs (like urinating) or goes back into sleep). Mine woke up and told me to kill it for a bit. I had a quick consuming burst of suicide thought. It was like “There is no point” and then I felt a deep spiral into past moments.”)
and up until about seventeen minutes ago, I thought it was the random fries, and cheese, and chocolate coated cherries with creamy innards that was causing my mind to dislike living.
Sweetly Overdosed Kids
Those cherries are too fucking sweet…and kids eat them. I think that’s where some of the adaptations from false expectations began. False expectations including the perception that I could fix the world. Recently I’ve been adapting to I can’t fix the world.
Before (I’l explain before what soon), I would have thought of introducing kids to real cherries and coating them in rosemary. I would have received a signal, from the mind, to plan and help life.
I did think of simply dipping the cherries in dark chocolate, and shared the thought with Abbey and Jeffrey. My response signals from Broca’s and Wernicke’s areas seemed to be working with friends. (Basically if you choose to share words from stimuli or just internalize the thought or let it go).
At work I haven’t been as talkative. I prefer to just work and generally just want to go home.
Yet again I thought the mind culprit to be food. My response signals of human conversation stimuli were all in havocal nonsense.
My workplace has also been facing hardship. We had a member of the team die. It has been very painful for us, and then managament is cracking down on the rules at the same time. They’ve stripped all of us of power since our leader was abusing his. He was giving away free food and drink. Hooking people up. Management found out, fired him, and then instead of trusting us or coming to us they just made us need managaer passwords for anything. Also a manager was told she wouldn’t get to move to the El Paso branch (as was planned) if she didn’t stop showing favoratism. Corporate came and got onto her so now she’s taking it out on us and saying she’ll write us up for being on our phones or eating in the theaters. Basically we are all getting punished for the failure of our leaders.
All of this stimuli is something my mind was able to handle weeks ago. It took adaptation as a lovely challenge I could frolic in with mind daisies
So what changed?
This morning I woke up and didn’t want to, yet again.
I hadn’t really cheated on food, and felt a sense of doom to suicidal thoughts.
Or….my mind was telling me…to hibernate.
Instead of wanting to fix the world I want to sleep.
I want to go into a cave.
When I am faced with stimuli my brain tells me to just go sleep it off.
Because it’s fucking winter.
So in my unworked out theory of the corpus callosum, and the amygdala callosum/all the other bridges between hemispheres, there is an answer. I think we use these bridges constantly when we receive any type of stimuli from the world.
The corpus callosum even has fucktons of myelin. It is among the most active part of the brain, if not the most active. Time and machines shall tell us.
So these bridges between hemispheres tell us how to respond, and tell our bodies and minds what to do.
In the summer they tell us to be active and use the left hemisphere of planning more. (At this point in the post, up through the sentence before this, is all self theorized and possibly untrue). In the winter though I believe we use the right hemisphere more. Our minds tell us to go primal, to go emotional, and to into a cave.
I really want it renamed as the primal hemisphere. Right now it’s called the inferior hemisphere. Such bullox.
I’ll do the next post on this because it matters.
I’ve been…obsessing over existence over my whole life.
My greatest fear in life has always been sharks, it’s my twin’s greatest too. We assume it is from Jaws and a Where’s Waldo book that had a giant whale.
All my life I’ve feared there’s no point to existence.
Because of this I’ve cared about why we exist.
In a previous post I’ve even said the thoughts that led me to suicide were the thoughts that I exist. Existence itself, awareness of it, spiraled me.
Because of that fear I’ve questioned it all my life, revolved my life around it.
A defining aspect of myself was just compensation for a fear.
What happens in fear?
We obsess. We obsess and then have compulsions to avoid that fear.
My fear was that there is no point to existence, and my compulsion has been to care about existence to the point it defined me.
I never claimed it to be my greatest fear because I didn’t know it was a fear. I loved it about me.
I used it to believe life mattered. That if I cared so much it must be because there was something.
Now then. This doesn’t mean there is no point to existence. In fact, realizing it, bringing that fear into my heart and dripping it out of my toes, might mean I can just stop fearing it…and since it was a large aspect…exponentially consuming aspect of my suicide…maybe I’ve finally cleansed my suicide.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.