October 31st 2015
I feel this deep sense of emptiness. I’ve never felt this empty. Last night I was full, feeling the drool of a pain drip down my heart like an escaped drop of dew that had festered into me…one I had known for so long. A pain that has been with me all my life and grew stronger at odd times and obvious ones. Yesterday I felt it leave, not fully knowing that was it. The feeling was so…vacant of an idea or memory.
It was a just a liquid, a state of matter flowing like a large drop of water that formed a long stem and deep bulbous bottom.
It isn’t full formed as it drools, catching and craughting on stanant blood of the past, working it’s liquid through tiny bones and caverns of my chest.
I was listening to Icelandic music all morning and then this one came on. Somehow it pulls my heart veins into it as though they float from me into the screen and the song plays them as the strings to my instrument’s veins. The notes drip out as tiny moments of my blood and float into melodies made for the air. The wind tinkles the blodded drips of melodies into the emotional feels of my being and we sway from music to veins to me
I had to do it again in this mindset
Thought of Miles and party
The anxiety was the same as the first time I got over it in the second phase of this very experiment.
When I was cleansing and releasing out the anxiety in that mindset *don’t need to concentrate, staying in this room while Abbey and Jeffrey do makeup on a child next to me for Halloween. I did not move, I even could but desired to stay near them. I connected to control of concentration and wanting to be near humans while washing out the anxiety of it while typing this….woah…I’’ve never had this much control. I know the memory is there. To go back. That’s the control of it. No fear. No fear at all of losing memory…for the first time…almost ever. Ever since…ever since energy drinks ate my microbiome stomach
What is this alleviation I feel? Like everything is turning to light and singing is fluttering flootering in my ears.My heart is lifting…opposite of the drool. I feel my ears lift like the energy is flooding to the top and it happens again at the top of my spine, right up to the end of my neck, and lift in strength, powerful and strong, it lifts up through my third eye and then reaches my crown and floods the energy in twinkles back down. I hear the sounds around me like a fading that swooses across my cheeks to flood out the back of
my neck and vibrate in melody of fluttery. This feeling…I feel it all over my cheart heart chakra (remembers to remember Miles part) and it lifts me up…wow I’m able to prioritize this and feel that memory so safe there that I feel no need to just type it out, to get out of me and be safe.. I have no anxiety over it. Now I type fast to release these words but before it was slow and with ease and beauty, sinking into the moment. Now I’m in my document fast mind where the thoughts come fast through my excitement.
Miles. So he reminded me of that anxiety. It came back. I (I switched mindsets from fast to back down and slow, with ease, to switch Mindsets back into this one (hearts beating faster as I merged them as I became aware of them through typeing the first words inside these parentheses(not to self make book where the letters and sentences talk through the pages) and I feel the mindsets merge in my heart like oils against trinkiling water trying to merge while they both turn liquid and gush into one)I could feel it like a phsyical force just as real feeling as being pushed into a wall. A concentrated strength, almost a sphere radiating out).
The anxiety I used to have with Miles around other people came back when I randomly thought of going to the parties with him.
I let that anxiety rest and thought it true. Then..I remembered that I’ve already moved past that by connecting to it again and bringing into my stregthened mindset that no longer has anxiety or connects to it.
Since I went to that initial connection (Miles + party) I could feel it’s old connection (to fear).
Because I felt that possible connection I got scared (anxiety from not wanting it to happen yet it had happened (thus I foresaw it happening again (how ADHD gets ‘stuck’ in hyperfocus.) Wow Im even playing music. Knowing I want these thoughts out, need to get them out, the need usually causing anger at not knowing if I would get them out, fear that I would lose the memory, fear…so much fear…I don’t think fear has me anymore).
Ahahah I could get up and dance to this playlist. Want it? Let me go grab it for you. *goes* *gets it* http://8tracks.com/sscade/mugiboogie-icelandic-mix-1
Still with me?Okay so with sir Miles, ugh I felt the automatic merging of pain and me now again right in the heart. It tingled this time in ferocity like the brain image of yesterday all flittering not as just single strands but every confetti sized piece of it (slightly thicker and consistent square sizes)
Ugh that is some splendid pain, I can barely move past it it’s so intense that I’m using all my energy to feel it, create it and cleanse it.
Miles caused me to feel an old mindset and feel it try and connect again to some type of pain, meaning it was before this mindset and the one before that. Then I bounded from that old mindset into this one and eventually remembered that there was an in between mindset. Because I remembered that I had already cleansed it. Then I could feel it after that memory of it. Then I went back into it…for a moment…I started shaking as I wrote that,…is tingling from the mindsets crossing and merging into one?
TIny fierce shudders all over
So reminiscence of the Gavin years
I’m cold all over and shaking all over…….soooo cold
Oh yeah the swaying I was doing yesterday that I didn’t know really why for it or what was causing it
Well it happened again today right after weed, so it was the weed.
I loved the feeling of realizing it when it happened. I lvoed knowing that I was probably wrong yesterday in some hypothesis or frustrated by not knowing, but I felt that and celansed and adapted to it so suddenly I wasn’t aware I was just doing it and felt it.
Apparently there are memories stored in your heart
I went away fora while, had Jeffrey and Abbey try my crackers and they liked them. Berkley tried the bone and veggie broth and she said I was a good cook and I bliss swayed with a leg pop . I’m fluttering body wise out into and through life, dancing and prouncing about with the bliss I used to have. When I felt…..free…oh so long ago. So so long ago. Except..it has happened in this lifetime not just since when I arrived until scarring (singaling idea of truth in past life) and then with Woulfe…a whole new mindset that was attached to freedom, connected to it as I broke from my reality into magic, into not needing my partents, into not needing school and even to the abillity to leave Lubbock and just go live in California *feels pain of not having told parents that…and knowing how wrong it has been to wait so long* The longer that goes by the more it will hrut them. The more it could ruin us, the more they have to build on to question. Once your trust breaks in somsone they question everything from that moment to as far back as they remember and suddenly all of that is shattered, not knowing where to connect, and you just gave them the opposite of trust. They don’t connect anything to trust but instead to a lie. EVerything then…is…and feels like…a lie.
I don’t remember before the memory of the parents and California, I’m too sunken in sadness and not ready to leave it. I ahve no fear of forgetting, in just now trying to lift up and care to remember I shook again, starting beneath my heart and rising up it, but only to the middle
. I used to check and see if the energy was causing the feeling in my body or if an awkward position was…that’s why feeling my heart like a physical presence matters so much. There is no position that just gets to the heart, it’s so protected and centered that it is hard for any random body position to reach it. I’m even in the same clothes, nothing changes but I can feel it. I can even feel it now if I try. So real, so phsycial, I sense it with the same ones I use for pressure in or against me. There is no difference except that it is deeper and vibrates so much more.
Coriander is bright but with the depthenly notes of earth.
I didn’t want to automatically come in here and tell them, well I did but then the auto reaction changed. I saw past it…that’s the first time to, because i wasn o longer aware I even did it.
I had a thought I want to burst in there and Tell Abbey and Jeffrey and Berkely (that the childrne’s story they were discussing sounded like an adult series of fantasy (Resitlen specifically) band at first I thought how sad even Brekley has read it and I haven’t , but not even thiking she wasn’t old enough to read it.
But I paused at the brusting and calmed, went back to drinking macadamia oil. I then came in here and typed this.
I used to..and still do around Dusting (shaking started at outside of arms (clsoest to air ttop of front of arms (when facing keyboard and wrists touch the keypad) where I compensate . ( I broke off this focus to talk to them
Iwas even able to break from talking about that memory to talk about Berkley and got absorbe din her eyes,k completely immersed and enjoying the moment even with the awareness conenctions of needing to type this). AhhhI love being able to pause this without fear. To breathe and think elsewhere before turning to the ‘stress’ of remembering.
At first they had broken my attention and then were talking about me and if I was listening I was to respond, but I pretended I hadn’t to return to this in hopes they would continue the conversation but then they said ‘do you htink she was listening” and then it felt like a lie so for a moment that lingered longer than any other cleanse, I felt the time in a van I’d pretended to be aslee..p…(primal..lying about your body to prtoect it…like when an animal pretends to be dead) then if they’re aware we get scared…and try to hide more within ourselves (we’re dead armadillos now). Hmmm…intriguing . Then I responded to Abbey and Burkley and..oh no Jeffrey, Burkleyu i sjust talking right now and these words are behind the present.
Hmm.Memory took third eye tingles to get too…or awarenes of it.
*reads words above with slight heart anger…(but while Jeffrey is making loud noises in a monaning high odd sounds of pain (fake though) that might be irking me…ahy…yes it was…the room calmed and I can remember more and feel better in connections).
I would compensate with people. I would have to talk or be unable to think of something else..type of. I’d have to tell them thought..’But there was a time I wouldn’t say something aloud, say it in my head and then wish I had said it aloud. I would test to see if my sentence would have worked in conversation and…oh wow fuck that was traumatic actually.
I would think they hated me. Every time I would connect to …fear and anxiety…I would pretend I’d said it aloud and wonder if they would laugh but generally believed the conversation was much better without me,…and then I trained myself into not thinking at all through abuse…
The last time I remembered thinking of whate very one would think when I didn’t say what I was thinking (elaborate later) I would …I just remembered the good that came after.
(Inside out Image)That there was sadnessI remembered that eventually I said no and came back. Something broke and i decided to start saying things of me aloud. The weird things, the different
odd things that people would react to and react negatively. I’d say something weird and they would ostracize me or laugh together at me (primal fear of group exclusion and aloneness) and then I’d just be in pain. That pain led me to stop thinking. Sometimes they would laugh genuinely and compliment me but I stil processed some fear…some vulnerability that just felt like pain.
Talking began to hold pain.
Then I was holding pain.But it proves the different mindsets even more!!
When in this happy place I just remembered the happy, it was the only place I connected to, kI hadn’t established themselves. In the memory I just remembered
*sings Chicken Fried*
*feel that anxiety of wanting them to listen and care and almost wanting to force out of them the energy to listen and care, anxiety/hateful dislike at them not and needing them to. Wanted to compensate by being louder….odl mindset?
Old memory attached to this song?Must be…because I’ve sung around all of them without them caring and confidecnce to new songs (not in that mindset) and been fine and had confidence..this time I connected to the opposite of confidence…odd
Since I was happy I didn’t connect to the fact the first time I stopped speaking and imagined saying thigns instead of saying them
I thought they all hated me, and shut out and down
I…forgot it’ (moreso didn’t remember since I just remembered it now)
me metal music him country different waelenths