The last post was not very well explained. My apologies readers of these words.
The thing is you are not within my mind and do not connect to my memory connections. Within those connections is the knowledge that fuels the thoughts I create. Those paths from connection to connection with my brain using its myelin and rushing across axons leads to paths that your brain does not, simply because we have different memories.
We might reach the same feeling of emotion through connecting along similar brain structures and using our primal hemispheres in the same way, but even then we might use different moments yet think it is the same feeling.
When I say that I wouldn’t recommend my life when young, I meant in even the slightest mode of fashion, but I did not say any examples of this and why it matters.
Of course you don’t know that I meant even in think I found happiness in. I thought it obvious until I reread the last post, and then realized it was just in my head and I didn’t take it out to give it to yours.
I could never isolate what was making depressed or anxious or suicidal, so I assumed that I could not even tell people to watch my favorite things, or eat my favorite foods. What if even the happy things in my life were leaking into or even causing my mind pain?
I was screaming in my head at night as the words thrashed around. I was living on highs of sugar rushes were I felt life was bliss and I wrote about fairies spewing their innards into leaves that hung from children’s christmas trees and bubbles that you could float off in. I actually wrote a few children’s books at this time. Here’s one:
I love licking popsicles and having their bliss spill over my tongue like radiation of the sun
Epic Rainbow Sauce
There once was a little boy with blue pancakes
He searched for the perfect topping
He tried chocolate sauce but it made them poofy
He tried gummy bears but they came to life
He tried to paint them with yellow squiggles and smiley faces but it made his tongue gross
Water made them soggy
Radishes made them crass
Spinach turned them bilious
Pasta made them twist but taste the same
Plants made them too crunchy
Justin went outside and saw a rainbow
He sang his problem to the rainbow
and out came epic rainbow sauce
That one still needs to be drawn into reality. I gave it to my niece but she’s been slow at morphing it so I might take it over soon.
Yet then I would be writing things in Animal such as:
You look for escape all about and indulge in it. The escape feels so good and happiness brief because so quickly does that escape dull and you have to search for another NOW right NOW because the pain is coming back and this is no longer working.
At some point you can’t even remember, because remembering would mean going back and doing what had been done would bring you back to that place so there must be something new. Anything.
What if you were never loved as much as you thought you were?
Sometimes I type to the sound of the music; my hands beating the keyboard to the sound of the drum and my thoughts hitting each beat.
tell me it’s a lie
that we can escape
and I don’t have to feel
I can live in my sack
it will blow, but I can stay inside
looking out just to scream
then going back in forever
A part of my brain lies in dust.
It has cobwebs and goes untouched.
And in this part is a memory.
A memory stowed until death unless
Unless the wind blows and tries to clean the frightened lonely parts of a hidden moment.
you keep denying it
saying it wasn’t real and you’re just faking it
because of how much the shudders come
and for so long you learned exactly how to make the memory go away
but now you are forced to recall it so you can feel real
….I think….my grandfather…did things…and I told my grandmother but she called me a liar
and I remember a bathroom
and fearing the door
and asking where grandfather was before I went through the door
then thinking the bubbles could save me
and that I need to have lots of bubbles
that maybe they could hide me
I want to confront my grandmother
she is just up the street from my house
but I have this fear…
that she would slap me
or tell me that I’m wrong
then I will sink and never try to remember again
because it would feel wrong
and I would be wrong.
but once you believe a memory it becomes real
Gay could be wanting what you can’t have
What does everyone want from me?
Why do they keep staring?
STOP god make them STOP and all of their germs go away!
Do I hate your stares because it relates to another stare…one lost that finds me in other’s eyes and makes my senses blind, and causes this nervous heart to flutter in fear of what is coming?
I have so much to do but she just keeps talking and talking why am I even writing!?!??! Stop correcting me! Everything keeps moving so fast
I can’t rely on pills. I won’t take another! I can’t concentrate *lips scream*
He’s so gorgeous….
But why couldn’t he just speak to me?! There are so many dates, so many course assignments! Keep up keep up! I can’t have 19 hours it’s way too much
What to drop what to drop?
Tell me Tell ME
WHAT USE ARE ALL OF YOU?
I AM writing this and writing this but you can’t help me. Selfish widgets you are just starting and staring at my words
CAN’T YOU CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING
I HATE YOU
No I don’t
YES I do…no no
Nothing you can do…nothing you can do
Why am I so ugly?!
My hair won’t do what I want it to do. Look hotter look hotter, but my face won’t work!
I was sexy before but noooooooo not now
Where has my beauty gone?!
And there my twin sits all happy and telling of her days looking so hot! Why does she get to look so f&%#*#&^$g hot?!
Trade me! Now! Give me her clothes
What is it/?! Why the fuck does she look better?!
Should I change my hair to hers….GODOGHESDIGDamn it!! She’s just so much hotter then she stares at me even as I write
Wanting to fix me … why can’t I just be angry
Where is my control?!?!?!??!
I feel myself
I know this is insane
BUT IT WON’t stop
Every annoyance feels brutal and everthing is then calmimg
I hate life!!
Can I please take the pill?
I don’t want to rely.
The bed is supposed to be soft or something?!
WHO MADE ME THIS WAY?!??!?!?!? WAS IT YOU GOD??!
FSAJKDF JASD;OKFJ SEDARUF AE
3435353Why do things KEEP POPPING UP???!!!!
STOP BOTHERING ME
WHY DO YOU TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER?
Somehow it’s only ma GO away . … WORSE
HOW is she so CALM?
She is making me feel so insane
I hate talking
I hate it I hate it
Go the bloody fuck away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chocolate reese’s are nice
She is touching me….it’s kinda working
Imagining her hair catching on and fire and blowing backwards helped
Her eyes might even fall out!! Maybe her eyebrows will singe!!! =D =-D
Skin could rip down her neck. Peel off even. Then I could stick stuff in it! =D
Her arms could fall off and I could wiggle them!!!! =D
If I touched her nose it could go wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t even remember life before this…was I ever sane? Was I able to focus on anything? Have I always been this way and just not known it before experiencing Ritalin? Oh turns out I have ADHD. Please don’t box me…it’s not the sole reason I am this way and it doesn’t mean that you can use it as an excuse for the way I am. I am the way I am. Just because they were able to label a part of me barely means anything but to explain a few parts of me. You might have a disease too, they just haven’t labeled it.
I hate food…I just can’t eat it but I must so I do.
I finally get everything done but I really don’t think it’s worth it.
But I can’t tell anyone because they may take it away….don’t take it please.
I won’t tell if you can’t. HAHAHA you can’t.
I’m going to write a book about this….yes yes.
God, I feel so weak; it’s like all of the nerves go sporadic then settle, go sporadic then settle, go sporadic then settle, go sporadic go sporadicsettle
I eat to not be weak but I still feel so wrong, so gross, the world never stops
I don’t seem to fall asleep anymore…it’s more like I pass out.
I don’t like this world…sometimes it’s so great and the greatness is great but mostly all the time mostly now I just want to sleep but I can’t because my mind just keeps running and getting frustrated and fixing itself to where I have to put it down to where you have to read it because I just can’t stop I just can’t stop but I feel no emotion but paranoia and I hate hate hate realizing who I am and what I am because all this pill is doing is making me ADHD making me see it and making me hate myself
Can I control this?
I want to control this pill in me. They say the first few weeks are bad…hopefully they are right because right now my mind and body just keep fighting this unknown substance and although the boxing gloves are slipping I can’t lose this fight…it’s supposed to help eventually so that I can finally focus. Coursework is very hard to focus on when breathing can distract you and people do too. There is no where to be truly alone on this campus.
I have to go to class and then another…can I do this…the last one 43 minutes ago + ten more minutes was almost awful because my mind hurts now when it thinks too much and I didn’t understand so now yes yes yes eysye syeyse eysey ys yes
I am going to class now.
*reads back over this a year later* So strange to read back over your own insanity. Vyvance insanity. Oh I found out Abbey has ADHD diagnosis…okay she found out and since we’re identical there’s a 90% chance these genes wear it too and they are made for life walking. The signs point to it and the cliff looks real but this keto diet seems to help. More on that later. Haha yay more of me <(^_^)>
So even if I wanted to tell people that I’d just boiled the grass outside to make the most delicious and grassy tea my mouth had ever loved, I would get frightened and not tell other people. Or I would tell them but acknowledge that I was weird, and thus it had a disclaimer that it worked for me but others it might not work for.
In so many ways I feared myself and life, and yet in so many ways life made excruciating sense. People around me were unhappy and it was obvious why, they weren’t on the same high I was. I wanted to share it, but I didn’t want people to have the pain that consumed my nights. I might offer someone my energy drink of sour patch kids, but only for a sip. To me, that was not the culprit…so I suppose I did share at times. I just…hmmm…I’ll have to figure out where that divide was between sharing my world….(writing) and hiding people from it (also writing).
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.