I’ve gotten a little too connected to my’self’ now.
In doing so I have realized what that even means.
When adapting to a new place you can either freak the fuck out in your primal skin tones and body movements, (by that I do mean the tones of your skin…but I’m not really sure what that means…) or you can use old adaptations to help you adapt.
It’s like putting salt on a bitter veggie. Your body doesn’t understand or know the veggie, so it will signal fear and bitter tastes to your mouth, but with salt fondling both of you your mind will find that familiar and thus use that familiar as an adaptation. Because of that salt memory and that salt in the present moment there is an adaptation.
(An adaptation that used the salt to adapt).
So when you switch to a new environment you bring things along. You bring your cat or your lover or your blankie or blow up doll, whatever ‘thing’ provokes an idea of comfort. That comfort feeling comes from your body using the thing as it would use salt.
In a new place of course your body gets scared from all the new things it has to adapt to.
Your body is having to assess and determine what things will harm you at a constant rate.
When you change all of the stimuli in your environment your body has to assess all of these new things.
Will that blender come alive in the middle of the night and eat all the cheese?
Is that doorknob going to explode if we lick it?
When in the same environment we aren’t having to adapt, unless new stimuli is brought in, but in that case you would still be in an environment that you have adapted to.
This is why you can take the same amount of a drug in an environment you know (at home as an example) and live. Take that same amount of drug in a different environment and you overdose.
When at a home environment you can even use those things you’ve already adapted to to adapt to a new stimuli. (Maybe…that’s a fresh out of Ainsley’s mind by about a day idea still).
Well in coming to Marfa this was all realized by just how scary this place was. I avoided a lot of cues to the self in order to provoke the characters, but because of that my mind and body struggled to adapt with every single cue being new and thus frightening.
The scariest night was two nights ago, and I have drawings for them but they are on my phone and I have no WFfi to upload them, but I’m going to a coffee shop in Alpine today so it should help with that. For today I’m being ‘me’ but with a twist. A ‘me’ that does everything I’ve wanted to do but never done.
It turns out that a lot of triggers into me came from this blog as a primary feeling, then Instagram really brought me into ‘me’ and then the cues of my clothes (as I sorted them into boxes for characters).
All of these things though…these cues that define us to the point they become our definition, has been more explodingly helpful than if I had not had them trigger my personality.
I would not have realized them.
Now that I know what can cue me I can also take those things away, especially if I do this experiment again. I’ve adapted to Marfa now in many ways, but I still avoided going to the bar alone last night.
I was either clinging to myself or still having a body fear to all the new adaptations. That body fear would want me inside where it’s safe and there’s tea. Green tea even.
At one point I forced it, wanting to go for a walk and go to the bar because that would provoke a ‘me’ away from ‘me’ since it isn’t something I would normally do. To become someone ‘else’. Doing the things your current ‘self’ wouldn’t do definitely provokes in a different personality (if you can base personality on things such as going to bars, which I think you can).
In doing this I’ve already questioned and broken my sense of ‘self’ several times, but although that breakage was deep and shattered reality again I feel fresh and awakened without those feelings.
I honestly don’t know who I am anymore, and I like it.
Sidenote idea of fun experiment: Take everyone’s stuff and change all of it,. Change the colors of all their clothes and the taste to all their spices and all their paintings then watch what they do.
OOooh no no, contact me first, let me put them in a machine…wait then they couldn’t see the stuff
We’ll just simulate it. Do you have a friend sacrifice in mind?
What this would do is show a human that has to adapt to their old memories again, while trying to make them work as those memories.
Would the brain try to replace that old memory with the new stimuli? (To where you could see that old memory on a microneural scale and watch it as it moves to the new connection, thus being able to see where memory is in the brain and how it tries to reform into present tense thought and what mechanisms it uses to adapt).
Would the brain try to warp the new stimuli into old memories (like when you see an old friend’s face in a strangers or see the face of a recently passed loved one wherever you go)?