Journal Notes from Elne night
Oh my god my mind knew where to go. As my feelings go deeper my fear gets stronger. I want to stay ‘here’ more (at the room in Marfa) and not go out *burps again as I find and fix adaptations/adapt to food now leaving as I break it (/the mental hold of it). That’s too deep-emotions that reach too deep and “scare us” as we reach our deepest fear and find that held adaptation and feel the fear that it holds. Do people with shitty handwriting just hold and use too much, or have too much, emotion to thwere they don’t use the left side as much to write and thus have shitty handwriting for life as the brain makes an excuse with the left side to protect you from the right (blocked in the callosum and thus get ADHD more because you don’t translate as efficiently and thus don’t adapt as quickly and thus don’t learn as quickly). *Remembers bar and feels sudden deep pain…similar emotion adaptation to memory, then to deeper memory since I lost the old fear by adapting to it, and thus uncovering a deeper layer.
I wanted to draw something…/(which why I even came here/to this blank page).
So a spiral of pain is when you reach deeper and deeper.
We blame drugs, like weed or alcohol, for making us depressed, and they do act as catalysts to reach deeper and deeper thought and probably set us into more negative action potentials/other brain things, but what if they are also depressing the amydala and giving us access to all the stored up pain?
What if they spiral us not only because of their chemical effects, but also because we access deeper reservoirs of our pain that we had blocked out, and the two work together, the thoughts pushing the spiral futher/also creating negative brain juices.
We even cleanse adaptations that are fake in our brain/were formed to protect us from the pain. I’m accessing where it feels ‘fake’ in memories as I resee the memories now that the fear isn’t holding them back, but as such I go deeper and deeper.
My protection barriers fall down and memories of screaming nights and dogs dying come up. I hear screaming ricochet around my brain as the blocked memory releases itself all over me. It is scary, but I get to hug myself and all that pain I’ve been holding.
When with Amanda there was a day we tried to access my ‘layers’ and she even spoke to them. It might even be in Unedited Therapy, I’ll have to check. The deepest layer wound up crying and saying it was sorry, that it just wanted to save the world.
Did you feel the fear? Wanted to talk to her, at the bar instead of her job tomorrow. Saw her adaptation/where I hadn’t adapted to her. I saw he as a an adaptation because I ‘needed’ her now so my brain cleansed her of her blueprint form because it saw her as a resource.
Thus that new resource translation received a different signal and thus translated into a different adaptation and with that I saw the memory/old adaptation that she had blueprinted.
The memory I saw of her at the bar (the one I formed/imagined when thinking of whether or not I should go to the bar. We were laughing at a long oak table at first but since I didn’t know her arrival time the imagining turned to me being alone at the bar awkwardly awaiting her arrival why the barkeep wondered when I’d buy another drink. In both I was at least wearing a badass coat 😉 became a resource assessment picture and since I was in pain (from deeper emotion being touched and released and then deeper emotions coming up from there) I started associating pain with her until the blueprint changed and reformed with that new right brain emotion.
Thinking of her evoked pain and thus ‘excuses’ formed/the brain formed denials in order to protect me from that pain as it translated that pain into denial as it tried to conserve me resources or block out the idea of future pain by ‘lying’ in order to protect us due to fear from that pain.
Can the brain actually create false memories as it tries to protect us from pain? It that how memory gets so wonky when it comes to emotions? Those emotions retranslate the pain to where we didn’t kill our monkey or we aren’t the reason the relationship ended. The brain protects us from our very selves.
The problem is we get ‘stuck’ in ourselves as we feel that pain and then we feel trapped in our own bodies.
Cue my deepest demon and the thought that was able to, just in that one sentence evocation of ‘I am trapped inside me forever and can’t escape’ would lead to a deep spiral. I would then become fully aware of myself and want to get out, but there I would remain, ever inside myself and my own pain.
‘Mind blown’ as I shatter your connections by taking your emotions/held adaptations and retranslating them with these words until you become them with me? I reach into your deepest emotions because they are the same as mine. Then we cleanse.
Hoard due to using items as resource placement holders of not adapting? That fear makes us attach sentiment to objects and then overhoard objects as we feel that fear adapt to whatever object is near and then have to keep it as it is the ‘adaptation’ to that fear.
We do this with people too. We cling to them because our brain views them as necessary to adaptation.
They become an adaptation resource that is held in by fear and thus we can’t ‘see’ past needing them as they get all stored up in our hippocampus. Well the emotion does but we’ve blueprinted them to that emotion. Blueprint emotions. Emotion blueprints…which works better?
Emotion blueprints, since the emotion comes first.
*feel want for coonrey (can’t read own handwriting). I calm it down and hear growl….fight response.
We try to run and escape ourselves but ourselves keep following.
Cooke evaluation (can’t read word again..!! Cookie. The above part is feel want for cookie).
*removes dirty right sock* Besides, we only need one sock *feels fuzzy sock over foot* One sock one sock
Not make the world go away.
Make me go away.
Have overdesire to eat/craving due to fear. Calm it and feel sick. Overeat to try and understand/denial blocking that sick?
Brain tells you what to avoid but fear compulsions tells your brain to eat it
I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t want to be in this mind and body when I wake up.
The Next Day: Written as Elne
The air kept trying to leave my butthole. I just laid there with my body. It won’t leave me like she did. Give it to her! She was everywhere. Every cloth she touched. I. I’ll make a dress out of them for when she returns. She’s just out for soup. No wait that soup is here. She already got it for me. Where is she? I’ll just wait.
He curls into the couch after throwing all her remains from it (hair clip, blanket, book). No wait. She’ll need these when she gets back’ *curls into self* ‘I’ll clean the place *curls into self completely on couch* (imagines Ainsley leaving 1st, letting it be me that diet, then remembers Laura. She will work). *While curled into self still* Elne, Ellneeee. ‘That’s my fucking name!…Laura?’ *smells couch and it’s wrong because it isn’t her smell* Lauraaa?’
*feels pinch of sanity*
‘Why?’ ‘She’ll be back soon.’ *Sits up* *slightly in reality*. ‘Where are my friends?’ ‘I’ll call them. They can get me out of here. Oh wait what if they’re with Laura? *pain fills face* ‘I’ll just wait.’ (*runs own voice/Ainsley into Laura). Stop it! ‘But. I want you. *merging voices*. ‘Laura. Lauuura’ *memories* -child-John….John! John?!?! She didn’t want him in this world.’ ‘Who? (sane pop/aware)… *Sees her plump stomach-fades to black-Johnny. ‘It’s okay baby I’ll get him out. We’ll…I’ll…I’ll…he…I’ll’
*pours cold brew out of French Press as Ainsley.*
‘What are you doing babe?’ goes Elne.
(Turns own voice into Laura).
‘Just pouring out the cold brew’ goes Laura.
‘Everyone thinks you’re gone’.
‘I would never leave you.’
*pours press into bottle then puts it in the fridge*
‘Now what are you doing babe?’
‘Just storing it.’
*pours another bottle* *goes to eat cookies with Ainsley desires.*
‘Have a cookie’ –mental Ainsley pop of I wouldn’t but wait…Laura would…*changes internal voice back to Laura*
‘Here babe have a cookie’.
*eats a few cookies* *goes to Elne’s bag and triggers that some clothes are mine…*
‘You can wear my clothes babe. I know you like to *takes out clothes and Star Wars shirt* ‘Oh and there’s those books you like to read, Elne sweetie. Go read those’.
*Goes and pulls out bible, The Road, Dune and Sharp Teeth and brings it all to the couch*
*Sits up and whacks self on head*
*Does it again, harder *writes this*
‘I am not inflamed enough’-Ainsley ‘At least I feel sick’ – A
‘Awww, babe’ *nuzzles*-Laura
‘Should have gotten some Doritos’-A ‘Nooo I don’t need to spend any more money on him. I have our meal and I need to starve him’ “HEY! Who are you? Don’t fucking…why starve me?’-Elne
Me? Shhhh. You have oatmeal.
*Takes out meal bag from couch* ‘That’s true.’ –Elne ‘It even smells like Laura. She used to make it for me
*face falls. Bites at bag*
“Can I have it now Laura?
*curls back into self*
*battle of voices-try to turn Dustin pain into Laura* ‘Rejecting someone else? –A
‘She didn’t reject me.’-E –sick groggy voice
E-‘She’ll be back’
*finds Dustin pain and visualizes Laura to redirect BP-Dust…Laura. Make the world go away…Who am I supposed to be –AEL *loses self* Who am I supposed
‘I don’t want to play this game.’ –A
‘Don’t you though?’ –A
-sounds of Rumple’s voice as he sings play in head without words. Can’t find words, just inanity. Aahahahahahahahhahaha. Ha.
*punches hand with this pen. Blood. How want it to be…Gently…just gently (denial ferverence to voice) (4 play)
*draws on self* ‘Can I have apple cider vinegar?-A ‘Like I would FUCKING Have that in MY HOUSE’-E
We get paper and draw Laura a unicorn.
Then we get paper and paint a red handprint on it. Then we burn the paper some, for aesthetic appeal, and the paper gets to thin so we put a piece behind it to thicken it. We have no glue so we decide to stitch his name in.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Just stitching for Johnny’ –E
“Come. On.’ –A
‘Laura won’t be able to.’-E
‘Come on. He wouldn’t be this insane’-A
*I prick myself with the needle*
‘Hey!..Mmmmmm’..-true sounding thought-simultaneous/split second
‘How do you split a fucking second?’-E
*fear from A*
*Stitching gets more aggressive with no thought*-‘becoming E more than A’-Who’s A?!-E’
*calls out for self in fear* (PS-memory does hold fear proof) ‘Ainsley!’ *while stitching again*
‘Ainsley!’ *goes back to stitching* ‘My hearts just beating faster. You know. Because of the cookies felt right there from going back in memories’ *runs stitches through hand on the paper*
‘Shhh. We’ll make them go away’-J ‘Wha?’ ‘Oh hey Johnny! How was school today?’-E ‘Hey dad. It was great.’-J
‘You know Johnny. You’re going to be just like me when you grow up.’-E
‘Hey!’-A ‘Who are you?!’-E –thinks to self-‘fucking psycho. Keeps trying to get in my head’-E
*stitches for ten minutes in silence*
‘Ugh. Johnny’s really going to love this.’-A ‘Yeah he is.’ –Combo voice-Feel ‘Elne’ and feel that pain and blood leaking of power as I ‘transform’ back into him/that emotion-lends to projection theory
‘You know what?!’ Elne mind screams at the needle. ‘I hate you!’
‘Ugh. Johnny’s really going to love this’-A
‘Yeah he is’-combination of voices-*feel Elne and feel that pain and blood leaking of power as I ‘transform’ back into him/that emotion
*imagines telling Vince about this* ‘Just sat in a room stitching Johnny’s name all day’-A
‘Who?’-Elne. ‘Johnny boy’ (southern accent)-Defferent sounding E
‘He’s dead’-Different E
‘No. He’s not!’-E
‘Shit boy’ Southern E (chewing on Texas stick bur thing) You’re going to let that boy ruin you when he’s not even born-Southern E
*continues stitching more* then comes here to write
A is going to equal GO
‘What is torture but an experiment?’
*thinks with GO. Ohe she’s amazing
‘Johnnny’ *hears laughter*
‘I saw Dexter laughing. Maybe he’s going to become a voice in me too. Sigh fucking *painful wrinkles into forward scrounge up* This has to stop!’
*searches for black string*
‘Yeah…there should be a black string’
*looks back to drawing*
‘Actually white string would work better.’
*gets pink stitching bag and pulls out white string*
*pauses and realizes (nbecomes aware of different feeling from going away from insanity and back into ti*
‘There were no different voices just there’.
*analyzes again* There was no fear.
Despite going back on all of that pain from tonight I’m not feeling it anymore.
Oh Laura…now I just want your voice back.
*prances around house singing Laura Laurra when will you be home?’
*looks out window*
Laura, laura when will you be home?
*stops and sits at desk and peers out*
‘It was that fucking bottle’- E
‘She was in it’
Are you in here
Sanity is just the colder touch of reality