I Know what OCD is!!! : Rough Draft (/I just typed this up ten minutes ago and don’t care to edit it)

Huh! Maybe it was the music

the transcendence attachments and deep throbbing fuckull of a feeling I just had. I accessed Dustin and that pain and really got into that blueprint and reached all the way in and felt this deep burst of pain that spread out into beauty through me as it released itself. I felt deep pleasure spread out from that center of the pain until I felt no pain at all, bit by bit, and then it all just transcended off me. I ‘saw’ everything. All the memories I’d been holding back of him.

They’d all been blocked by my pain.

Then I felt all of that pain and the memories all came into me. I could latch onto us kissing, then ‘saw’ us in the theater. Funnily enough those are the ones I’ve been trying to access and couldn’t.

Huh..that’s fascinating…holy fuck I wonder if those were fake blueprints! Ones I’d formed from the pain and then would ‘imagine’ dustin and attached him to the pain he gave me…must’ve shattered then. The love at some point. Love being operative but…

The next day.

After the sex.

I was on a high.

I then went up to him and asked about hanging out and he was pissed…it seemed to be at me. He said he didn’t want to hang out anymore.

Then at another point…I’m just seeing all this too…sorry if the words are strange I just…I still seem some false as I try to remember back to what exactly he said and I just feel this very deep pain and then see what he did. Wow.

He really did hurt me.

I know why now. Apparently everyone at work high fived him for fucking me. Some guy even lifted him the air.

That happened in the morning I guess, or it took two nights before I saw him, but it happened before I saw him and I think he took it out on me.

He was holding unhappiness about the situation and attached it to me, since I’m the one that caused it to happen. So he would see the blueprint of me while they were high fiving him and picking him up, and he’d then attach me/my blueprint onto that pain.

I shattered.

He disconnected me from the true feelings of the…sigh I hate to use love but that’s what it felt like.

It would probably even cause a stronger rebound…love into pain/embarassment/such a primal emotion. Two strong feelings. So he disconnected my blueprint form the love (on the right side of the body….primal…I wonder…up from the spine? Primal feelings of love and hatred. Do they store there and then come up? No …they start there…I don’t know…hmmm…

Okay so he had ‘love’ for me on the right side and it connected to my blueprint on the left is the first step.

While fucking …which is also very primal, might even have had a deeper/stronger blueprint.

Maybe that’s why I can’t remember sex!!

Seriously this has been bugging the bug fuck out of me for years!!

I seriously can never remember sex. I keep trying and trying but all the memories are blocked

I blocked them all by the same stimuli

Which means the same stimuli blocked them

making it a cross emotion problem.

Sex held soooo many blueprints, all of the fucking and …the multiple times of done it.

Oh wow.

I know it creates stark rebounds too. Everytime someone brings up sex in a conversation I want to hang up the phone. Well. If it’s men, and they’re talking about doing it with me.

Actually, even when women talk about it.

Deep fear and I run. Every time.

So my brain also stored that fear when it came to sex. I blocked talking about sex, and memories of sex. All on the same fear.

Okay so yeah. Dustin felt ‘love’ for me in the right at a primal level.

That blueprint came back up when the people picked him up and they said my name or he just thought of me. The sex blueprint would be the strongest so he would see that first. I think. Mayhaps.

He saw some ‘picture’ of me from his memory/remembered me.

In that moment he attached to the real memory of me that was attached to that love feeling(‘/the initial emotion felt when the memory was created).

With that memory of me being held in his brain he connected it to the present feeling.

That present feeling was some type of emotional pain.

He attached the memory of me/the blueprint to that emotional pain.

He did this enough times, when recalling me with that blueprint/thinking of me, that every time he thought of me it would feel that emotional pain.

I wonder if at first it ‘doesn’t work’ because there’s more memories of the real emotion.

By at first I mean…when you love someone…wait it’s obsession.

OCD. You create too many blueprints for one emotion.

I don’t know. It just made sense. Sec

So at first Dustin didn’t connect my entire being to the pain, just that first blueprint. The mind moves on from that…if it doesn’t make too many.

He attached me to multiple layers of pain.

….I think.

Sec  *accesses memory*

I didn’t obsess over Dustin. At all. Until he rejecte dme.

I blueprinted him to Rejection..to the point every time I thought of him I would feel that rejection.

But did it create multiple blueprints…at first it would just be one false memory of pain, but what about the rest of the memories. Did he take all of the memories of me and make them false, or just that one moment.

Because when trying to remember Dustin I’d access the same memory it seemed. I ‘thought’ of him often…HOly fuck. Maybe I thougt of him everytime I felt rejection.

Or maybe because I had to see him every fucking day at Alamo.

Somehow all our memories of each other then connected to rejection.

So OCD people.

THe compulsion might be trying to cleanse multiple blueprint attachment to the same emotion.

YOu fear everything in a ‘category;

‘snakes’ ‘soaps’ ‘germs’ ‘bacteria’ ‘hand washing’ ‘cleaning clothes’ ‘rows’ colors’

And they form all these blueprints of all of these objects

and all of them get attached to pain!!

Their life becomes fear because of all the blueprints. They ‘label’ them all in their brain, while they are afraid.

Or the words create fear to where every time they hear that word they feel pain. Whatever other stimuli is around at that point is stored with it. You take that stimuli and also fear it.

Or you create the word ‘shark’ in you brain.

Then you see a ‘shark’ on the screen of a TV.

You hear ‘shark’ out in daily life and feel fear.

then you put a type of shark in that category. Tiger.

So then you attach ‘tiger’ to that pain as well.

So eventually every word that fits into that category of ‘shark’ or whatever category you have formed in your brain.

You attach everything in that category to that fear.

Then you compulse.

There’s too much fear.

Until the world is completely attached to fear.

Oh and when high your resource assessment is too low (//you are on a depressant so your ability to figure out what is going to heat you/all the other reactions you need for driving, is at a low and you can’t access what you need as quickly because your mind can’t assess it so you go to slow, (even speed wise but also when you need reactions wise, like not swerving out of the way fast enough)

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