For the past days I’ve felt like a not feeling.
I would try to feel and reach into my being for some fondling, to bring myself out of me, but me was holding on tight to myself.
Laughter was strong and yet hard to come by. When I did laugh it felt like losing control, breaking myself of the dead for a moment.
*imagine artsy badass picture of zombie Ainsley on half side and real Ainsley as the other half as laughter seems to be the awakening part…ffuck I’ll try to draw it…really should be studying for finals though…
I’ll just come back to that later.
The unexpected needed to make me stop expecting myself.
Except that there was no expectation, or desire, or want. In fact I became suicidal two nights ago in a waking moment. Between REM and repeating my sleep cycles (your body wakes up if you need to take care of bodily needs (like urinating) or goes back into sleep). Mine woke up and told me to kill it for a bit. I had a quick consuming burst of suicide thought. It was like “There is no point” and then I felt a deep spiral into past moments.
I’ve been reaching deep into my scars and peeling off the scabs. What? They were all gorry and were making me sick. These scars definitely got all infested with some creepy bugs eating at the dead bits. I had to clean them.
So I cleansed myself of a lot of memories that involved rejection and fear, fear that was holding me to it, keeping me back from life. What’s fascinating is I feel it in the same place every time. Right in the heart and then if I focus it expands all across that chakra. When I do actual chakra meditation cleanses I realize my root one is still raptured shut. I access it for like the moment of a bug squishing, and then it’s had enough of that and goes back to itself.
I’ve also been eating more of Drafthouse food. I wish we were more like the Austin location, because they tend to stick with the hippy standards of food, while my Lubbock location has tons of processed everything in your bites of burgers and pizzas and dressings and sigh…fucking…I just want to eat without fear.
But that’s what all of this is to avoid. The fear that comes in those little processed moments that my brain now picks up even from the tiniest connection of what random mouth morsels can cause. It surpasses just what I put in me though. On me counts too. I can’t even use the soap in bathrooms without getting painful tingles and feeling ‘off’ (haven’t fully analyzed what that one does yet, pissed at first as my skin reflexes back from it…but then it’s in my skin…).
I also fuckloved not caring. Still love it actually…to an extent. I simply ‘don’t care’ about basically anything I used to care about.
I’m aware it is probably from the junk I’ve been putting in me. I’ve been a bit afraid of rent so I’ve let that cloud my food judgement. Free food man. Free food.
Once you cleanse and pick at scabs though…you realize how much they defined you. I’m losing myself in ways…barely accepting that those parts were ill or ‘bad’ because they were me. Self bias could not bias more.
Because of all this loss of self, and giving myself less than mind happy foods, I’ve stopped fucking of the giving.
All the things I once cared for seem so…distant. I’m not connecting to the ‘want’ of them.
In a way it is freeing. It means I am free of the Dustin caring too. I’m starting to feel where that aspect is connected.
Where I ‘need’ him.
I fear not having him/his existence with the same fear I have of eating too much.
Both irrational and both using a future perception.
I think of wanting to see Dustin and then that I can’t have him.
I think of wanting food and then realize I can’t have it.
Dustin because I fear he doesn’t want me.
Food because I don’t want to get fat but am really craving honey now that it’s winter.
Or food because it has preservatives and other brain harmers in it.
They all feel the same though.
They all are manifestations of the perception of fear in the future.
With food I just try to avoid the thought until it goes away, and yet it comes back.
With Dustin I try to avoid the thought until it goes away, and yet it comes back.
Ahhh to one day be cleansed of fear…such a fantasy of bliss.
Mostly I have been losing myself. I no longer know who I truly am or what I want, and don’t fully care to find out. In ways I prefer this..I fear going back to the ‘me’ who wants things and wants to change the world. The person with goals and aspirations that involves doing shit all the time, thinking all the time, and trying to help people all the time. She’s just…annoying right now. Because she is a lie. Because I can’t connect to her, and thus I’m not her. Then I ask who I am. Who am I? But I simply don’t care.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.