I’ve been avoiding lifing.
With beer, and sugars, and binging on Netflix. Do you know lovely fucking blissfing good it feels to not think with some alcohol slooping up all of that caring nonsensery bull and just taking away into forthy bubbles that deevolution the brain for a bit?
No left hemisphere processing into obsessive thoughts that won’t stop for me!
Who wants to think when you can, instead, not?
And to not feel,
to not care.
For finally I was able to not care if Dustin wanted me.
To even wonder why I’ve been caring so much to the point of letting him treat me however he wants and then just hug clinging to him with my mind, and desperately wanting to physically hug him in my head.
God his body is like a god melting into a human being *shakes head to slather out the memory of his bare chest from it*
Sigh…it won’t leave. I want to be touching him everywhere.
That ridge of left hemisphere formation of the right feelings is just…incomplete.
I’m not connecting sides of myself and it’s craggly and so painful. The right sided emotion of me wants for him like a candy bar, and then I want to make it happen, imagine it being so, but then it doesn’t happen in physical formations of reality…or mentally as his head doesn’t get in on the process.
*head song time* I want you to want me.
There is fear instead of patience at rejection.
Just now I’m asking Justin, in a side way of also getting Dustin in on it, if he wants to eat mind mushrooms with me over break.
Instead of my mind calming and processing that it will take time for him to decide, my mind processed and the amygdala was signaled at the realization he hasn’t texted back yet.
It said to be afraid. To be very very afraid.
I feared the rejection.
So the Last Two Nights
So I just…got sick of feeling and washing and cleansing and feeling like my twin flame is aww.. like nah bitch, while he also seems to have moments of…maybe wanting me and feeling that we are twin flames. Because he moved closer to me and even fell gently into me two days ago.
The morning he was late to work by minutes and seemed to…feed on me and…feel for me. His energy going into mine and accepting mine in return. It was before he’d processed the day or probably eaten, fresh into the morning life.
In that mind I felt the love we had at first meeting. That feeling of completed completedness where my soul no longer existed as a part of me but instead floated and washed out the eyes of my being until there was just…
All of life I’ve felt that feeling of absence. That ‘something is missing’ feeling of existence that you can supplement with drugs and other humans. Eventually those fade though, or even while in them you can spark out of them, remembering that you’re just faking a connection, and then you disconnect.
Dustin was like finally feeling that connection as a reality rather than a speckle of truth. It became my truth…then it was ripped away. I get to feel it occassionally, when we work together, but it’s just a reminder of the existence I’m not getting. The connection I no longer get to feel but for in moments of him leaking into my energy.
So instead of feeling all of that I’ve been taking my mind on drugcations with weed fondling out the tense connections of thought and instead floating in the stimulation of Once Upon a Time for three hours after watching Scrubs for about four.
I would try to go do stuff, but I could not care. My body kept me from caring. My mind was slugged out on Icelandic beer and a few too many carbs. Mwahahah. Bye bye mental clarity of ketosis. I’m going cave mode.
Then fucking night has to come and I can’t sleep. All the thoughts were just pushed back, and then I analyze the day and how it seems instead of adapting to moments of life (highest form of evolution ) I was getting stuck in adaptation or regressing (regressive evolution).
I crawled from my hammock to my journal a lot…thoughts to get out.
So what does Honey have to do with obsession.?
I obsess over Dustin the same way as I do honey. The memory of honey and where it is stored is vivid and calls out to my mind. The body stores the memory so we can find it later, like a nut to a squirrel.
The mind can do this with humans. I connected to Dustin. I felt a primal sense of emotion that leaked into and became my being, just as a connection of stimulation in food does.
My body stored the memory of Dustin just as it stored the honey. Now then, when we want the honey and can not have it our body gets pissed.
Go get the fucking honey! It says
*imagine me at war with honey, to be drawn when I’m not mindsick on caffeine and lack of sleep and thus lack of caring*
Our body gets pissed about not getting to ‘have’ a human in the same way. It feels the same. I crave and want that honey, unable to convince my body out of it no matter how hard my mind tries. Eventually I can calm it through processing and reasoning with it, but the beast lies in wait and cries out often.
I do the same with humans. I ‘need’ them and ‘crave’ them just as I did with the sugar. I can’t sleep or stop thinking of Dustin and wanting Dustin. No matter how hard I try to think away from him I just connect back. My body realizing I ‘need’ something and signaling to me what it thinks that ‘need’ is. It signals with the last thing that worked. It signals with what I’m craving.
The body thinks you need sugar when it tells you to eat it. It doesn’t know society says to not get fat, it wants you to store up for the winter so you can grow that baby. The body also thinks you need that person. I’m not sure why just yet… a sense of comfort or other primal need. Rejection fears make it more intense/unreasonable/harder to reason it out of your body with your mind.
So I tell my body and mind that I don’t want him, or need him, but because I’m not adapting well right now (beer and sugar mind) I’m getting stuck in him. That’s from today though, last night I was able to not think or care about him at all.
I just need more drugs…