I’ve been wondering around my mind with the wandering movements of connections. Eyes dazed out as I lag through each one, vibrating the pathways of my neurals (that’s so untechnically correct). I attempt to bite a pathway between my teeth like a nerd rope, but I just get the nerds to crunch and bleed into my mouth while the rope cringes and mocks me.
I’m viewing Dustin as a drug now. A drug I need therapy and remission for because I’ve got it bad and he really fucking doesn’t. Fucking…f…uck…ing, god what a lovely word.
It’s been..like two weeks *checks phone messages* no…20 days since…I just…this is infuriating. Maybe he triggers dopamine and so it explains these symptoms of distress.
- Feel pangs to eat constantly
- Thinking of food at an abnormal rate
- Especially when alone or have no other thoughts to distract self with
- Similar to obsession in that silence holds fear and so I think of food
- Eat even when I’m full
- Level of desire for food doesn’t change despite amount of food eaten
- Seeking comfort that I can’t find (since food isn’t actually fulfilling me)
- Constantly wanting to go buy food, despite having enough of it at home (too much even)
- Fantasize about spending money on Amazon
- Don’t actually get happy when I buy things on Amazon or even Etsy. Despite how epic the thing is
I’m finally getting these gorgeous leggings after about a year of wishful thinking (used to be more expensive):
*tries to evoke internal excitement and it just fizzles into muck*
In both emotional eating and Amazon spending, despite fulfilling them by eating and spending, I’m still sad.
Fizzling Bliss Connections
For a moment they tindle my tinkerings and I spark into bliss connections, but then just want more and more and the excitement becomes less and less each time.
Just like a fucking drug
I eat and still want to eat, and spend and still want to spend. No matter how much I do either I want to keep doing them which means I’m seeking a satisfaction I’m not getting.
This means that I’m craving …something that triggers a need for food, spending and pleasures.
That craving…and fear of not getting it are provoking constant thought of it. The its (emotional eating and emotional spending) are not the true needs, or they would go away once I fulfilled them.
So…maybe it responding in a cross tolerance type of neural means.
Cross tolerance is where you gain a tolerance to drugs that act within the same neural mechanisms, such as amphetamine and methamphetamine, since they are both stimulants and work on similar structures.
What if there is a crossing when we use similar neural mechanisms in thought?
My obsessions tend to provoke the same compulsions (emotional eating and obsessive thoughts over stimuli that doesn’t make sense). Both happen when there is silence/moments I have to pause and feel myself.
In these moments I feel fear or ‘off’. That off can range in different forms of disconnect. My confidence will generally be lower as well…which would signal that ‘need’ for Dustin to want me, as I’m lacking that confidence that makes the obsession leave.
*leaves a moment to go run participant (read from a script that tells them to watch a video then write a paragraph) and notices something*
The usual lines went out of Ainsley’s mouth:
“If you have a cell phone, please turn it off and keep it off for the rest of the study. Also please put all of your stuff, including your cell phone, right over here, so it’s out of the way”
Then she takes the phone and corners that bitch.
“During this session…”
*keeps going with script but feels exhausted of it*
“woman being interviewed. Then you will write a paragraph”*want to stop and say ‘Do you really want to do this? I mean we’re just pretending and it doesn’t really matter*’ “you will be making some perception judgements of the woman being interviewed*realize I’m not connecting to or getting any fulfillment connections from life itself and decide to tell you about it once I finish the script*
*finishes script and comes to type it then goes back now to format*
Since last night I haven’t been connecting. I tried to even absorb into netflix and it was just rubber to my glue. I wanted to snap at any change and the only changes happening were people talking while I tried to watch Scrubs). I’ve also been fulling unattractive and carry my body as such.
Both of these states are rare in this primal body that has been loving itself, yet are apparent now.
External Things that have changed
- Don’t wear any makeup
- Has only caused confidence until recently and is now adding to buildups of change
- Eating fat and sugar together to the point I’m out of homeostasis
- Stress from test studying so much
- Been in Lubbock too long
- Talked about deep emotional depths of past pain with twin
- Possibly main trigger of reaching depths without fully cleansing them (despite cleansing a lot of it out when we talked about Gavin (very deep and old))
- Spending tons of time with Jeffrey
- Although enjoyable he is new and I don’t ‘connect’ with him as well as others and it could be causing a lot strain internally
The one thing that has connected me to life with all of these variants in play was going to get my note cards from where I left them. I brought some of the bread to Paul, the roomie of Justin and Dustin.
Dustin wasn’t there initially, but I went back yesterday to get the study note cards I left there. He was there. I briefly entered, said that I left the card and…his energy.
*Stares at outfit and self in mirror with critical glazes and decides to remove the cloth in exchange for more inviting clothing*
I’ve stopped caring about my clothing as much, or makeup, as I enjoy the natural and makeup feels like separation from wind..but even the thought of seeing him makes me primally desire to stand taller, change clothes, wear makeup, and ‘present’ myself to him.
*Finds black leggings with fireflies and returns to mirror, the shirt is unremembered*
Realizes it isn’t ‘me’ enough and puts deep purple laced leggings on over the black leggings.
*also adorns black jacket but leaves face naked of makeup in order to prevent any sense of ‘lying’ or coating of the self. Deliberately desiring primal triggers from my face to his*
*Make it to his place and enter with the normal haltings between getting out of the car and actually going into the door without an invite…or even with one*
*Sees him in the chair and yet continues to cards, words have already been planned to use in order to get in and out without ‘bothering’ him*
“I just have to get my notecards. I left them here last night.”
Immediately feels a sense of connection and deep rythmic calm, as though all the excited malconnections are stroked and I’m a lioness in his clutches of energy
*goes from door through living room to the table with the cards and snuggles them into hands. Makes the path back to the exit with seeming confidence and no ‘need’ for Dustin*
Wants to stay but wasn’t invited so …
*while heading from the living room to the exit*
“How are you?”
“Good. *controlled pause* Bye *said in mythical voice of confidence, connecting more to my voice while in his presence.”
*feels a sense of confidence in the bye, as an I don’t need you type of exposure*
Back to the Present
*runs next participant with new sounds and connections after thinking of Dustin and feels connected to the letters in life’s pages. My voice connects the moment to me rather than separates it*
*Leaves computer as the time encroaches too close to 2:00 and grabs script and a new consent form with no disconnect to moments. Instead of moments feeling disconnected I feel moments connecting me to them…but moreso me connecting to the moments. A sense of tallness comes through*
“Yeah” *removes headphones and grabs backpack*
“We’ll be the last door on the left.”
*Holds door open and watches him go through it. Follows behind but “sees” a sense of space between us, as though energy is filling the hall and I feel taller than him as … though I ‘own’ the space*
I connected to the words on the script and felt a presence within them rather than a weakening.
The only thing that connected me to life was that singular minute with Dustin. Within the energy I felt filled of the need I keep trying to fill…and the longer I’m away from him the more it seems that strain holds…how do you get over the very thing you need?
He barely even saw the outfit….