I messaged him about the name of the coffee shop and he knew it. He remembered the name and maybe that’s just random but it was so fast.
Then he says the night was blurry…fuck that…blur zone. He also claims I went up onto the bed but I remember remaining on the floor until he called me up there.
I feel that on a different plane or somewhere else we’re together and I’m happier. Weird random feeling that doesn’t feel fruitioned or true but more a desperate explanation
But…it does feel like we’re inevitable and I’m just sitting and waiting in this between state.
Wanting and waiting…wishing it didn’t exist at all but it does.
Yet…this is real life on the material plane and the laws of this place say he’s dating a woman that he wants to marry and mate with apparently…so…that’s that
Doesn’t matter that I want different
It won’t make it so
Fucked Jo yesterday. He’s actually able to consume me with ear breathing and deep energy…that’s probably a large part of it is his chakras might be open or just overall he’s aware/open minded/ into spiritual depths and it’s palpable. Even kissing we get lost in, despite age and not dating or having any commitment to each other he gets me lost as much as being in love with Woulfe did or Brennan did when we mentally were clung together. That must be my consumption is mentally being devoured. The more Jo and I go out and talk…well sometimes the most enveloping it is but yesterday before we went out there was less disconnect then after we went out.
Drove back to Brennan, down the road to our old home to retrace life. Turned on Chandelier and just went, an urge taking the wheel and I turned on Chandelier from my phone with bluetooth signaling the way. My brain triggered memories and felt through that past interior to turn here, there’s a landmark…a memory. Go right there and I felt an old me…that confidence of before and kept going, felt the emotion and even let it happen for a bit. Not consuming. Ha ..but yeah you know. who does such things…don’t just you matter she whispered to herself…sigh…sigh sigh.
It would be nice to live in a sane person.
But as I was driving down the old road and felt the past tingle up and down like an old shower while repeating Chandelier, afraid for it to end, wanting all of the past possible it was suddenly like what the fuck am I doing? I’m stuck in the past. This is where I am and have been. It is time to move on and I looked for the next chance to flip a bitch and almost took it but part of me just said a little bit longer, a bit more of this, let me feel some more, to make sure I’ve truly reached this point and I kept going and waiting for more…more than just a desire to move on and be more..to take more and Chandelier played one more time. I saw another old building and almost cried, felt the dry ones appear and needed that, needed the moment more but the last of Chandelier played and the end just holding on for tonight. I’m just holding on for tonight, just holding on for tonight on for tonight on for tonight
What the fucking symbolism right. SO connected to my life.
I moved on with her. Realized there was a lot of time before Jo and went a bit longer, so close and all but once I got to Smashburger I didn’t even find it and turned around before the feeling of moving on left, and thought of Michael to see if I felt sane, testing sanity water and it wasn’t too bad. It felt possible to truly move on, to not need nor want him. Then I thought of publishing my book and a lot of the fear came back, the stopping. I’m so afraid of it…of the thing my life has been holding onto not mattering. It triggers the same feeling as with Hannah this morning when Adam said I couldn’t stay there and I needed her …to stay with her and thus almost hated her…that …fuck it’s a new feeling without a word already known…that just comes to me it’s like fear curdled and spoiled into pain…need…curdled fear works. It’s horrid feeling and hard to get rid of no matter how aware of it. Finishing off the end of this radichio and it isn’t bitter at all. Fuck yeah taste bud adaptation. But yes the book….means so much and I’m so close and…it triggers that exact same fear.
I saw Dan for about three hours and he called me beautiful and made me feel so special, he is very good at that. When I walked up to him he was speaking to a girl and she left immediately and right when I took her place he …this radicchio has turned alien looking at its core…he said her friend had just killed himself. I think I did trigger it with an “is she okay” or a “wow so many attractive young women you find yourself with facial expression”…both.
Worrisomely he asked for her number and said he would connect with her later and when she didn’t hear, as he mumbled a tad, he seemed a bit flustered and said he would just text her…off his game it seemed. Then he dropped his phone and actual worry came. After that he did offer me coffee and got me a decaf French Press which was meant to be free because he’s ordered a large earlier and got a small so Kat got a new one of decaf but her male coworker came over asking what we had needed and after Dan asked if the situation worked out, but if not he would pay the extra for it the barista took his two dollars with skimpy words “yeah since it is more” and a tight air of ownership in the place. He was new and I did not like this treatment of Dan who is a regular and has been going to BG for supertuple the amount of time that barista has been working but…Dan took it well and we got the decaf. Decaf is awesome after it has cream in it. Shut up on the judgement for it was already seven at night and I’ve been not drinking caffeine after two…not that you judged, that was defensive for no reason.
Overall it’s been very sane feeling..I hate it. I need to find another chaos outlet than drugs. The more you peel at the leaves the more you reveal a mini trunk. Trunks are totally edible…mmmm tomato basil sauce with a light salt coating or zucchni relish or cocoa coffee orange dip or fuck it anything delicious …there’s that bitter though..all over my tongue and roof cavern mouthness
I have self confidence again
Feel freshened anew and it’s brilliant. Don’t leave again me. I loveyoul. I missed you. Let’s be friends. Wish Jo would message though because the storm is officially here. Maybe it’s time to go walk in it…..will she?