We were sitting at Which Wich when I first took the pill. Abbey and I both slipped them in, dad being supportive while mom went along but didn’t really believe that we had ADHD because she didn’t believe ADHD was real.
After a few moments I felt this sense of focus. I could calm, adapt to something..? I talked about the buildings around us growing taller, of them morphing to where they melted from being three buildings stretching across the street before us, in heights of different numbers and windows that didn’t make sense together. I imagined them melting together then morphing into this long building. I invented different chairs for us to sit on in my head, but it was all in complete control. In fact I remember the way I spoke. It was in the way that I feel now. In complete wise control. An ancient self that knows homeostasis, that has passed generations and lifetimes…a sense of a true me carries with it.
Or is it simply just reaching homeostasis and feeling fully adapted? Does it give a sense of wisdom? The rat from Ninja turtles, old and wise, having adapted and experienced…now we have 10% of humans over the age of 60 completely not adapting and having schizophrenia to where they no longer function, their own brains keeping them from life, from wisdom, from their very own memories.
My mom said she liked me on the drug. I liked me too. She seemed to then believe it some, that maybe there was a part of us that needed to be controlled, but she still didn’t like it. She loved us, she didn’t want to believe we had this unexplained sugar spaz mind disorder. She was in denial because of her fear. As a woman that cared about her reputation it made all sense of sense. She feared rejection of people about her (rejection is her deepest issue too, probably spanning down the retinal ganglion and very wedged into her hippocampus), and so she cared what people thought and then compulsed by denying anything that could hurt her reputation, including her daughter’s actions. If we had ADHD…well what would other people think? It makes perfect sense.
So she liked the way we acted on the medication, but hated her daughters being on medication. She also cared about our health. She always had and always does. She would let me get fruits and veggies galore whenever I wanted. If I wanted to be a hippy and only eat organic, or get the best skin care products, she got them. She also did her own research and looked for the best made brands, wanting us to look and feel the best. In a small way it was ‘presenting’ us for reputation, but mostly she truly loved us. Mother wanted to care for us, to express herself, to maybe express her regret at what she’d been doing.
Due to the red and then blackout she forgot what she said to us, that she said it was our fault and she was going to leave because of us, her amygdala blocking memory as the anger prevented it, and then that anger kept her from remembering. Her emotions became too vivid…the right hemisphere, and she expressed it very well with the left by saying hurtful, but well articulated and well thought out words, and then she wouldn’t remember it….
My aunt has it too, she says her way of knowing she’s about to black out and say cruel things is seeing red, and then she tries to control it, but can’t always do so. She takes it out by saying wretchedly hurtful things to my niece and uncle in law. They remember. She doesn’t.
Both of the same line of a family, but raised in different homes and different states. My mom and her sister didn’t even know each other existed until about five years ago, and they’re both around fifty now (Leslie/aunt being younger by about ten years). My grandfather also deals with anger. Mother deals with depression and weight. My grandfather, aunt and mother all have weight issues and gain weight easily and all deal with anger and saying things they don’t remember. The fire, my father calls it. Father says it’s love because mom will fight for you too, and all that fire is directed at others who hurt us. I said that if she loved us she wouldn’t direct it at us. He paused. He still hasn’t answered, and it’s been years.
I think they all suffer from food intolerance. When mom fixed her hormones she changed personalities. She adapted. She no longer yelled at people for small things like saying our luggage wouldn’t fit in crates at airports or Starbucks employees for fucking an order (before it all got so automated). She used to get mad at everything and then get mad at the person, jaded by life, not adapting to any change. Now she takes the moments as tiny challenges and laughs or moves on with life. I watch her adapt to even hard stimuli like Starbucks employees needing her card three times and fucking up scanning or charging too much.
Mom laughed and at first I thought she was about to blow, that she was faking the calm by putting her card away gently in her purse as she planned out the words, pretending that she was okay. But… then she was okay. She really did slip the card back in with complete understanding and fully taking on and processing the situation into its completion. She adapted rather than got caught in anger.
Her life didn’t change. Her hormones did. She gained the right hormones to regulate life and then she turned back into life.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.