There’s a difference between the first suicidal and this one, but I wonder if it comes from understanding rather than true differences.
I am still in control is the main juxtapose.
When it happened on shake night I lost the feeling of being in control of my own mind.
The thoughts were consuming and I truly believed they were meant for me.
The suicide gods had placed them into the world for me to lick and swallow.
Forever doomed so please let me finally end it.
That night it felt like all of the thoughts were the what caused it.
They were the same thoughts that had caused suicide desires before it.
Yet that morning I embraced the possibility it was the shake since that was all that had changed.
You know the journey since then.
Where it is now.
I’m still debating.It is such a calm debate though.Despite contemplating to live or die I made multiple blog posts, went to school and planned out social activities for the night.That night of last though I did get sick.I’m still sick.All that escapes me is liquid but for these words.
The feeling is similar in certain regards. I simply don’t value living as greatly and the wretched nature of life is more consuming than the beauty of it.Watching friends…people I deep lovely consume what is hurting them.
Hurts me. So deeply.I can barely breathe through it.I truly wish I could just not care.But it eats at me as they eat it.I would move to Iceland just for the sake of watching and living with people not eating this American shit.Yet my loves would still be here.There is no escape.But for one.
Despite all of these thoughts and raging feelings I keep creating.Something wants to live.Yet something wants to die.It isn’t the body…moreso the mind.Not really to die thought, but moreso not to live.I’m still searching.
Looking for the reasons.
In the potential future
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.