Second Rought Draft of Me

http://www.eatyourbeets.com/healthy-body/10-ways-to-treat-odd-in-children/ (already sitting in ctr+v when I pressed paste for the following words)

We can better smell things that are good for us

We can smell things that are good for us better

We can smell good things for us better

Which sentence worked best for your mind?

Think of animals trying to hunt, how dogs can smell a human’s t – shirt from afar

We feel that need to question in order to reach the final answer

The thought that used to evoke in me the most fear, why do we question? What is it in me that always wants to question…why that need and drive only to drive me off cliffs of suicidal thoughts (wanting to end it, to die, to not have these thoughts, to envoke such mind rippling fear that it rippled down into my inside into my heart and wiggled the string veins with me standing in the middle

Others question it to. So many questions. Question everyting. Yet some people don’t question they hate it *twicthing is back this was edited after Rought Draft), but yyou see fuck I really can’t do this okay words for later

Others

Killed

Death to

Unenelightened

(elaborate)  Think people getting killed for new thoughts new ideas and how we all seem to have to question despite the pain of it and wanting not tot care and then those that don’t questino get angry when you do, as thought you’re ppointing them out, as though you’re pointing at something in themk the thing that’s been hiding in a vace, depreived of nutrients (thoughts) so it snaps at you. It no longer trusts yoi (thoughts) because you ahve hurt it becofe, it is afraid of thoughts,  A human trapped in cave of pain with the thoughts that hurt them and when you shine that light in to evoke their eyes into rippling primal pain they snap at you. Humans snap at questions and thinking because it has caused them pain tot ht epoint they are starved. Thought starved. Then you feed them a thought and it hurts and their brain rememberes, then they’re bo (goes back to spell correct to their but then moves forwards with letters instead) and so it hurts at first from those memories, but they’re also hungry so they eat it again and again and take those thoughts like desperation and they cling to you because you fed them, dogs to their thought food and master that gave it to them. They come back until you teach themn how to hunt on their own. Thought hunting…

Oooh that was good.  Keep those words and feed them into other’s minds..goood self….good *pats head* good self *licks self’s hand*

This feels like the odls old me, the one that used to truly feel when writing, to fully think out the letters and feel them to my deepest core, not just typing to use words but typing out reality, typing the reality out of me. I haven’t been feeling it for a while which is when it feels *fake* when I’m typing out old thoughts that had me feeling as I thought up the words, but that doesn’t , the feeling doesn’t come back when I type then into your mind. For your mind. Right now I’m thinking as I’m typing so the feeling is there and it actually comes into the words. When the feelings stop I want to stop typing, but for this blog certain thoughts still had to come out, despite their a….age….

Aged thoughts…

why would that not invoke the same feeling…obvious…I think….old thoughts are just thoughts and not feelings vs feelings creating thoughts. That’s why the memory of the words comes back easier when I think of the feeling again and access the memory vs just typing out the words I had already thought of.

Aged thoughts…they also have aged. They become old and stale like bread to where we cannot taste them or something says to spit them out..a.ged meat…spit it out because..evolutionary, it will poison us but why..because we aren’t refershing the energy:? Energy needs to be moving so it tells us to eat it, to recycle it and keep it moving. The freshest things cause life…leaves on trees give us life, they give us oxygen and yet they die…tehy fade quickly, especailly once cut *twitching came back u…new thought..adapting thoughts brings the twitches, they’re fade,d until I think those words, thinking they’ve faded evokes back into realizing it and then creating it, the memory creating twitches*, but energy…treese. Ah yes once cut..any food…from it’s life force it dies quickly unless we eat it and recycle it…feces, (typed out poo then wanted different feeling and typed out feces), *connects back to other thoughts then stops to type this out instead sand twitches *backspaces out fee for feels *twitched at typing fee *invoked by and realization it seems, any *higher* thought* those were meant to be astyrecs *overwhelming since of boredom at havin g to type that and this out*. Boredom…is…

Sigh

SO much thoughts.

Dustin may …may have been right

Fire burning up Daniel Radcliffe’s face like a match on a wire (movies) up to his scar and then the image zooms out and the scar remains

Fire before lips

It’s the same pleasure!!

The pleasure I get from seeing fire on Jeffrey’s ear is naturally invoked pleasure. The same pleasure that I get from being on the good feely foods of organ meat and I imagine hugging someone or promoting life and even having a child (still mild shudders at that thought) (at least I know why now). That same pleasure that leaks into your heart and swells it with joy when you want life is the same pleasure you get from the idea of hurting or ending life when on the killing foods.

This is just in me but I think it is in humans. I think this is a natural and explainable reaction. I was just staring at Jeffrey and it started with the idea of fire before his lips. The image always twinkles with PG first. Then it grows as the blank (food? pesticide? hormone? gluten? fodmap? carbs? sugar? elephant?) becomes me more and more. As it grows out from brain like a forest of vines in veins. It starts in my mouth and moves through me, not only through the throat to the body but up from my mouth glands into my brain. I can feel it now. I don’t see it on a machine, but right now while I’m still on half a shake from last night, and the cow milk latte from…*checks clock by typing this then sliding the mouth (mouse) to the left *checking and back to here and then math in the head (slide the mouse back, then put these words in front of 5:25* 5:25 *actually do math but type this out first now it’s 5:26 so add a minute after typing this “let’s go at for coffee she said at ….thinks of Jeffrey first, *tries to remember time they agreed on through text, remembers that thought should have said we and I need to stop using my brain to speak to people and use it for me …thinks of time again, 3:00! but then three passed and he texted around *sees text in head with time clock above it on phone* 3:07 and it took him ten minutes to get here is *think that before typing it all out so watching thoughts get typed out on screen as I repeat the thoughts out of my head into words, sometimes three times…I used to do it more…over and over saying the sentences as I was typing them out in order to not lose the words. Thinking the sentence over and over and making myself type faster and faster and write faster and faster and….that’s one of the thoughts that led me into punishing for thinking…

The screams….

Those..repeating…words, repeating everything. I just couldn’t be trapped with me anymore. I couldn’t be trapped inside myself. I feel it now. That pain. The memory evoked and is evoking fierce tingles in my (right beneath boob in the center of them (put hand between nipples, exact middle, and go down until your beneath them) fear and pain and anxiety are all tingling with me in memory. I feel who I was, as though my body stored it. As though it has been awaiting my feeling of it. It is me.

I can make it beat once the memory *feels nothing and then remembers again to envoke it, to feel if this is true, is this real? And without even a vivid recalling of the memory but instead the thought of thinking of the memory and then switching to the feeling of thinking it (that feeling you get from thinking of thinking what you just thought about, caused it. I felt the pain in a different spot even. my right side of the body ribcage, upper area, specific spot. Of course I am leaning a bit into that spot and upon adjusting my body I burped a few times so maybe all of these thoughts are just from sitting at an awkward angle, causing pressure, that pressure signaling to my brain that odd things are happening, caused odd thoughts.

Laaadeeda

You’re pretty and I like you.

My thoughts are heeard, hard to control and my fingers are basically twitching across the keyboard. The feeling that was my natural state back in high school and during those days of so much sugar, that is exactly what this feels like. It  happened last time I got really high too. Not two nights ago..e.xcept for the twitching!! Last POst (link those words later), this is that twitching that happened with the sugar and caused this reaction!!! That’s why it was so intense. Duality building, stacking of pains.

When I get too high I twitch…it’s the dopamine…twitches also occur in blank (look up in textbook later) some mental disorder…I’m getting stuck on thoughts and ideas, I can feel how hard it is to switch. I feel the though like a giant thick bubble that bounces back down, to heavy to move on and support itself into moving up and connecting elsewhere. the thought is too heavy…I stick on them and bounce back down like a lazy bum bubble. That’s how it feels to think of something else, to adapt to leaving that thought behind. The thought is too heavy to move on from.

But I want to tell you of other things..yet my mind doesn’t even like thinking right now. I would rather just drone on and on with these words. Satisfying m y hands and minds on the least effort while still camling that feeling. If I just keep doing this I’m satisfied. My hands refuse to move off these keys. Fuck. Cna you help me? I don’t like this. It’sd hard ot o not jsut just 9 sata tyepe over the who;pel keyboard, making coherent clicks is so hard. It hurts my wrists and my mind twitches and then my hands twitch and I don’t as di afawe nt-asdfa dfkasdjg sdifdkak;dfaj;  want to nby]= id but my habnds wone’t stop twitoiuciha;  twichti  twitching and it’s ggettin gfaster and faster the more I give in to it and don’t control it but controlling htis is so hard but this matters and I’ve been trying to type that and hold this though ow this hurts to be this coherent, tyring rmemory hurts, trying to get out that thought SINCE THE BEGINNING THESE WORDS ARE SCREAMING IN MY HEAAD BUT HOLDING DOWN SHIFT IS HLEPING AND CALMING AND LIFTING A BIT THE PAIN IN MY HEAd is lssENING IT> TI CAME BACK THE MOMENT I RELEASED SHIFT THEN GOT BETTER THE MOMENT I T RETURNE (EYE TWITCH) AGAIN (*HEAD TWITCH* FINGERS SMASHING KEYBOARD HEAD ROLLING ABOUT A BITTWITCHING VIOLENTLY BACK AND FORTH TELL STORY OF FEJJREY HEAD TWITCHING TO FINGERS SMAHJSOJG AGAinsT THE KEYBOARD< HUH HUH BREATHE *FREEZES COMPLETELY THEN TYPES THIS* *IMAGINES DEMONS TWITCHING OUT OF PEOPLE IN TV SHOWS>>>>>>>>>SUGAR demons? I was able to control twyp *there it goes8 without the twitch (stops(who all? has this? Let me lick it all out of you. Just rip open your body in half and let me lick up and down you til it’s in my tongue *see that beautiful gore imagery that makes me feel so good, so desired to be thought of, creating in me and wanting that gore* It still gives me pleasure. I don’t even try to deny it and I don’t feel bad about it. I tell friends now *calming immensely when staying on one thought but painful twitches when it stops (such as to write this but as I stay on thise thought it gets better but when I think of typing those words behind these it hruts again, *three times occurrence from switching thoughts with each time the lingering making it easire, such as right now, the pain spread out across and dissipates across forehead but then when I switch thoughts it all comes together and rips out as pain *megan walks in and says hey and I respond with my mouth but no sound comes out* (dry mouth..*anger at nto knowing the reason, real anger and slight fear, wanted to automatically know..I’m bored of this)

zone out from shake

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