Odd moments occurred on the eve of yesterday.
I was exchanging life with Dustin, Justin and Paul all the way into the 4 AM hour. I felt so awake and full of life with occasional yawns of my body denying it. Mentally the three of them are like a mild acid I could be on for years.
Paul is this anxiety ridden blissfuck of a human that is still figuring himself out but tells the most amusing stories. So he works at a place, I don’t know the place but he does, where they give out samples. Well they have tongs for the samples and when people don’t use them he exerts his power. He was training someone and didn’t want to give a bad example so if someone just reached in he would slap their hand away with the tongs. Then, if they reached in again he would hide the samples behind is back.
It still makes me laugh. It’s one of those moments you imagine people doing but never actually happens, and this human tong out made it happen. Justin almost cracked to pieces in laughter and just…no one I know displays so much appreciation and love for other humans as Justin. He does have a crush on Dustin too though. It’s definitely not sexual…I think, but the way his face turns into bliss at discussing Dustin probably mirrors my own.
Around 4 am we decided to socialize with smoke and lifted into different mindsets.
Before the smoking it was hard to adapt to Paul being there. My social anxiety roared out a bit as his jokes were so loved, and he was so loved by Justin and Dustin to the point that I grew jealous and wanted that same amount of love from them.
The jealousy/insecurity caused an old self defense reaction to occur.
I stopped talking. More than that I feared talking.
I would occasionally interject from worry that they would notice I wasn’t talking and that would spark more anxiety. Fair warning I did have quite a few fries last night…and chips…and popcorn. What? My caring exploded recently.
Once high I was free in mouth flows and laughing and conversing and enjoying the bliss out of these humans. Somehow that new mindset set me free.
So I was in a new mind and there was a little spice tube of cinnamon sugar. I memoried out
on a time with my godfamily that we made cinnamon sugar toast with tons of butter on a
cold day. The moist cinnamon captured by sugar crystals all soaked into bread was one of
my favorite food moments. I wanted to eat the moment and poured some into my hand.
After licking up about a tablespoon it was just Dustin and I because Paul had left for his mom’s where he was going to go spend the night and was going to try and look drug free for. Haha. Yeah he was so tipsy/smoked out that one of his eyes was hanging lower than the other.
Schizophrenic Sugar Rush
The cinnasugar took a while to exert itself inside me, but once it did, really fucking odd things started.
I started by dancing my tongue along the roof of my mouth. It felt. Incredible. Orgasm mouth tongue fondles that synced with music. Ugh it was encapturing and I was loving myself and my mouth.
Then my heart started beating wretchedly fast. At first I chalked it up to nerves at being around Dustin. Yet, even after calming and deep breathing out of that idea, I couldn’t escape it. My body started to twitch. I said something to Dustin, I could have sworn I did. I couldn’t remember the words suddenly and it suddenly deeply turned into watching.
That moment in movies where everything zooms out a bit with the focus on one human and you suddenly feel that the person can’t hear you. I was there. I was suddenly thrust into this fear. Reality fucking wavered and twitched around me and I felt insane, mad, and like I was dying.
I screamed out his name in my head over and over, so sure he would have to hear such desperation. It was so loud.
He didn’t turn. To him I was still sleeping and he was playing Destiny. I tried to breathe deeply and let it go, I knew if I told him about this he would think me mad. How could four deep licks of sugar cause such an intense reaction?
I still barely believe it, and yet lived in it so I do.
The beating got faster and I could not stop twitching. It felt like convulsions rippling through me with large twitches to get out the ones I tried to keep in.
I finally sprung out of couch, hoping to go to the emergency room or receive some type of calming advice.
I crawled over to Dustin and told him that my heart was beating too fast and that I thought it was from the sugar. He got slightly upset…and told me to just calm down. He said he didn’t know what to do. I felt..belittled and unloved yet again. This human that I so adored the ability of to care for others, was unable to care about me. It wasn’t just this moment, but it was a buildup of them. In moments he would care for me just like a barely above acquaintance, but then other moment’s I was an offense to him. I can’t really figure out what I do to invoke such feelings.
He asked if I was okay, not just from this but overall. Random caring moment…he is a confusing one I tell you. Then I told him yes and asked him about eating just organ meat with me for a week. He said I needed to calm down and stop thinking.
If those letters could bold into your mind you might…they reverberate and echo and leak and violate the sound cloud of my mind.
Just stop thinking.
The words I’ve been told all of my life. I fucking hate those words. Just calm down and live life. Live in the present. Stop caring so much.
I want someone…I don’t compromise on this one. I want someone who wants me to think, and to love how much I do. This is the tallest order of all I know, but it is the drink I won’t settle on.
After we established it was all in my head I went back to the couch and wound up twitching more and more. My heart was pulsing at about twice the rate it is now (I checked on the neck), and I could not breathe like a sane human. Hyperventilation. I have never felt so much like I was going to die but for when a bag was over my head. I knew this was just going to be the end, and that I was not going to wake up the next day, but no no no, this was all in my head.
Very deep breaths, calm, calm, deep breath. I would inhale so deeply that I could feel myself lifting into some place that felt like why you shouldn’t hyperventilate. Too much oxygen. Exhaling was hard though and took massive amounts of concentration.
Then I realized the music. It was like death metal and was sporadically signaling itself into me. My heart was beating to it perhaps. I asked him to pause the music and he graciously silenced it.
Automatically the world slowed down and I could breathe easier. There was still sporadic heart beating and nose breathing, but they were both calmer. I knew breathing out of my nose was too little oxygen and exhalation so I had to concentrate very hard to take some deep breaths through the mouth. Eventually a calm was reached and I fell to sleep.
Morning TongueThis morning I danced my tongue out in the same way as last night, but the roof of my mouth was too sensitive to enjoy it. Last night my mouth roof sensors were dulled. I don’t know what all of this means and I’ll look into the science of schizophrenia and panic attacks and other things later, but for now I shall simply leave you with the words above.