Trailing across the theater floors with heightened feet tingles and the force of a primal being ripping through my 21st century body is always displacing.
The melodies of art swirling in sound waves sways my insides with blissjuice and I sip it into the night and attempt to share it with my coworking family of lovers. We dance and sing across the place like hearts on fire and now that I’ve connected to life I can connect to them. I love connecting to them, and to life, until…
The loud booms of buildings falling against movie screens makes me jump while horror movies make me growl as they build anticipation then scratch screaming sounds all over the theater sound waves. Those sounds rebound in my head for mind rippingly long seconds.
I did not always growl at horror films, but did wonder why Jaws and the sharks from Finding Nemo stuck in my memories through my current human lifetime, and I also wondered why both seemed to elicit the same feeling of fear in my body, and to the same degree as I pushed their memories into the present. Oh amygdala storing up memories.
At Alamo two nights ago I had one of those moments of clarity that makes reality feel like it is melting down your skin.
That melting tingled when the reality of it became real…a tingle I didn’t want to hold but that solidified into my being regardless.
I’d jumped at the newest Paranormal Activity moments before, my primal being so aware and raw from the cave diet that sounds and reactions elicited their full intent. The numbness of a past me that felt trapped in a human body, disconnected from it, was no longer here. I kind of wanted her in me. Being aware and connected to yourself while living in America is like being raped constantly with sounds and things that exaggerate life so that they can try and feel it.
As a person that blissed out over some fucked up things I understand it…I was it. I imagined scraping the skin from my twin’s face in order to feel pleasure and gore was a way to get off. That all makes sense now. Oh equal and opposite reactions of violence and reproduction, how you sense make the nonsense.
That same reaction of jumping at cracking sound waves of the horror movie (from the paragraphs above, please do keep up), happened again later that night.
When I ate five fries out of a customer’s burger plate.
My body reacted to get them out. The same fear response. The same mind fluck (that’s the sound it felt like).
I had gone the whole night and day before with just eating organ meat, pickled veggies and kombucha so my body was clean. It is only when it has been clean that I can feel the difference so purely.
Then…in that moment. Well after it processed (I used to have to go slow at processing a lot..I could feel the stages and would ask people to tell me something and then wait a day before talking about it again so my mind could process. The next day I’d have an answer or have forgotten) I realized something horrid. Something raw. Something true. Something that explains…everything.
At first your body wants the food out of you, but eventually it wants you out of it.
To be continued…
Sidenote: I changed the font and size of the font on Mind Lifting Mouthgasms. Do you like it or should I change it?
I also need to create a meal plan soon, but the stress of how much I need to do is preventing sleep and making it to where breathing and slowing and calming are fantasies my reality has only broken wings for. In the brightest of news people are caring. I’m bringing my recipes to work and becoming more bold about myself.
The confidence I had before all of this…the confidence i had in my youth, is flooding back to me. I connect to people in ways I used to…the ways that made life only bliss. ….