I’m in a fiercely wretched mood today.
Talking to anyone annoys and irks me. Trying to connect anywhere but to the ideas of mental disorders is infuriating.
(Edited begins here)
I feel my mind try to connect in its controlled and desireful manner. Breaking and reconnecting based on new moments, new people, a free and bliss feeling that now is scorgy mindfucking.
Literally I can feel my mind encaptured in one field of connections. ADHD, OCD, schyzophrenia, bipolar, autsim, ideas of all of them I just need to only think of. Nothing else matters. Every other connection, even in simply interacting and speaking to people, causes that pain and I feel it. The connection refuses to form unless I concentrate very fierecely. Then I feel pain, I almost want to cry. This means there is change.
This is not a usual….I do not generally get this caught…it’s twerking into so much anger that I wonder…if that is part of it. Maybe my amygdala is so stimulated it is only letting a moderate flow of connections around it to occur…like a reaction with a middle point.
Imagine an electron ring and how different ones have different levels.
My mind is only working within the inner gloop. My ideas and energy can only go there because it is amassing and accumulating so fiercely there that the energy is hard to move out elsewhere.
Like an injury I’m trying to heal with a limit of resources.
I wonder if the elements I’m using in my body have fewer rings…
Wow…connecting to these ideas freed these feelings you can read about below (this was added about ten minutes after the first publish of this post.)
No one knowing more than me about mental disorders is infuriating.
(edit) Personally know that is. I need a mentor, a human that I can talk to that isn’t just the fucking Internet. None of my friends even truly believe all of this but for Jeffrey..one out of so many that I love and whose bodies I need to take over for two weeks and give the ‘right’ foods and then they can have them back and feel the difference.(/edit)
People not knowing themselves is a horrid immense capturing I can no longer…
*deepest of boobs moving breath*
Every mental disorder makes sense and I have to find a way to show this. I have to have these diagnosed on a machine interpretation but the technology is too expensive and no one believes qualitative data and…my anger at how deep this goes..
“As early as 1995 the International Narcotics Control Board (INCB) raised the alarm over the ‘patient’s rights group’ CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD) actively lobbying for the use of methylphenidate (Ritalin) for children labeled with ADHD while being funded by Ciba Geigy’s (now Novartis), the manufacturer of Ritalin. INCB said that this promotion of sales of an internationally controlled substance could be identified as covert advertising in contradiction of the provisions of the 1971 Psychotropic Drugs Convention.“
Every single mental disorder deals with a problem adapting to change
People keep fucking pretending that these mental disorders just make us special and empaths and that there are fucking benefits. That there is a beauty.
Look at the fucking hastags
I didn’t do the hashtag suicide this time. I did the hashtag #adhd
Do you see it…..anorexia, anxiety, adhd, linked to food
(edit) The link to pain and suicide
I’ve tried talking to four people today that I generally adore. My twin, Jeffrey, what’s his face, and Miguel. All of them are irking me and I hate connecting to them, but new people I enjoy connecting to like in class with a group participation.
I’m also deeply craving drugs and new mindsets (more on that soon, fascinating discovery)Basically somehow today of reevaluating and feeling all of life has triggered so much pain that I want to crawl into a chocolate hole…even that might not do it.
Living is hurting, but I’m leaning into it.
I am laughing really hard and genuinely though, but it’s harder to make me laugh (laughter being perceived as something different happening. In fact, the sparking of such connections is so lifting and rebounding that it feels…fucking…legit mates. The anger right after is intense but so is the lift. Fuck I’m rebounding all of the place
*imagine bouncing ball of emotions here*
I am also really fucking starving.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.