I’m watching a youtube video of my favorite professor. She promised we wouldn’t have lecture in the classroom on Friday, but then technology malfunctioned on Wednesday so we needed a makeup class with non BPA brushes and toxin free lip liner.
Because she’s an epic blofelling (a word just to describe her) a moving her has been uploaded to the YouTube just for us.
If you go to 25 minutes she talks about epilepsy.
Symptoms putter out of her mouth and I started recognizing my memories at 26:30.
“People will notice a certain smell…you start smelling something that’s not there”.
*little self shudders of realization*
In high school I kept asking people if they would smell certain things. (Get it? Pink for young Ainsley because pink is like a baby/young purple??? XD )
“Do you smell cheese fries?” I would ask.
“No”. Responded everyone else.
“Are you sure? Hold your nose for a few seconds and then breathe in again.”
*looks around to others with an inquiring face*
“Haha we don’t smell anything.”
“Maybe I’m just smelling a memory.(possibly thought rather than said due to social anxiety and fear of isolation (primal)).
The first time it was humorous in its unexpected. How adorably strange I was, and there could be no harm in simply smelling something not there. Even my fear didn’t stretch into possibility until some soon life moment ago (under an hour and not above 30 minutes).
I could fully smell it. The same connections of smell would occur and sometimes I would smell the same thing more than once. I would search about for it and never did it arrive in others noses. Nor did the cause of it ever get found.
One time. Once.
I quietly meeked out the words. I’d been shot down on verification I wasn’t smell crazy many times at this point, but I still needed someone else to smell it. I needed to not feel that swollowing darkness that I was alone and something might be wrong.
Do you smell bread?
No.*deepening gloom of defectiveness feelings*Wait.Oh yeah! I smell it.
My heart released and beat a thump of cleansing.
All the other times were just people not getting the right gust of smell wind. Nothing was wrong with me.
My brain was seizing gently. I was having two to three energy drinks every day and sparking out anger like frazzled connections and broken spark plugs.
I was smelling grass burning. I smelled chocolate dripping blueberry goo and then melting grass. I smelled things that weren’t real. I ‘smelled’ moments of life that were taking mine with it.
I haven’t been able to fully smell in years. I keep denying it. I keep pretending that it will come back as long as I can connect to this body and that it has been emotions taking it. Yesterday ended that denial actually. I was smelling random life moments of my car (there’s something in there that needs thrown away), and the deep smell of cooking aromas. For moments I can smell. A long nose blowing or in sudden moments, but then it leaves.
The smell has to be captured but…in general I’ve been without smell for a long time now, and as feelings of connection to this body increase so does smell, but not fully. I think I broke my smell.
Outside of that…if I’d kept going in downing classic Monsters, Red Bull, Rockstars, the one with the green lightning bolt, Monster Java (we always tried the latest), Monster Rehab (because let’s fucking rehab you with what caused you to need it), sour patch kids, sour balls, Reese’s, ice cream, cinnamon rolls, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Pop Tarts, Pillsbury…how could happy packaging hurt so much. I fucking loved those sour patch kids commercials. I related to them. I knew what it felt like to love gore and happiness. To have your body connect to ripping flesh in the desire for it then want to hug people in desperation. All of the things I can’t connect to now.
That’s one of the tests in the mental data is desire to harm others. Then desire to harm self, insects…I vividly imagine trying to knife my friends. Then try to imagine knifing or hurting myself.
The connections actually change. The visual changes everyday without me having to fully imagine. I just start with the base image of stabbing friends.
Then, on lovely days (correlated with only eating fully human friendly foods and not using any artificial products (including everything that touches the human body (including skin), deodorant, face wash, shampoo (haven’t used in two months), laundry detergent, make up) I feel literal pain in my body at trying to stab life and thrash the knife aside and hug my friends or myself.
On days I ate fast food or Pop Tarts or Reese’s or Taco Bell (fuck they all do require capitalizing, making their names stand before us…fucking fine…that’s just..names of anything…but still), I could imagine hurting friends without the scales. No provocation necessary but for human existence before me. Pushing would generally be the first visual. It takes at least fifteen minutes too, the time it takes for food to start digesting. A mind poke of needles first erupts in my mind but scatters and I’ll just let out some cruel words or suddenly stop caring about any conversation I am in.
Then I’ll become more quiet and visualize pushing people over.
Sometimes it ends there and I can even be provoked out by discussing gore with people and the deeper we get and talk of squished babies the more soothed I would be. I would feel deep in satisfied gooply blood and the connections were stroked into desires. Anxiety would come from the denial of these connections, but once I got to access them I would feel connected and enjoy life as long as I didn’t have to adapt.
If anyone wanted something or anything against my desires occurred, including a change in conversation, I would want to bite people, or snap at them. Imagine a wolf snapping at people, attached and weak in its chains is my sudden image. That was the same feeling within me.
Sometimes they’ll have hallucinations and this can take the effect of having that fuzzy little color around things. Or it can be very straightforward. It can be a sound that isn’t there…sometimes a specific thought. So if suddenly you start thinking about tea kettles or something”.Fucking. All my belief in the magical has just been little seizures. So is my ability to fucking create. Le sigh. Half joking….*squirgles* In for serious font I did connect to very random things that no one else would connect to. I’m actually fine with this lack of mind control. That part was quite fun and led to jelly demons that licked up Red Bull cigars drenched and cow mucus.Yet what if..those connections were not always fantasy.If they connected into little moments of suicide.Little moments of demons.If we can seize out or inour reality.
Also I had a friend that used to see fire licking lockers. He couldn’t tell anyone else..he one day kept seeing my head blow up and all he wanted was to stop. All he wanted was to be normal. All he wanted was for someone to explain why the fuck he kept smelling things that weren’t there, seeing things that weren’t there, and he really just wished he could tell someone. I personally had no idea what to do.
Do energy drinks cause epileptic seizure and ischemic stroke?
Energy drinks are popular among young individuals and marketed to college students, athletes, and active individuals between the ages of 21 and 35 years. We report a case that had ischemic stroke and epileptic seizure after intake of energy drink with alcohol. To the best of our knowledge, the following case is the first report of ischemic stroke after intake of energy drink. A previously healthy 37-year-old man was brought to the emergency department after a witnessed tonic-clonic seizure. According to his wife’s testimony, just before loss of consciousness, the patient had been drinking 3 boxes of energy drinks (Redbull, Istanbul, Turkey, 250 mL) with vodka on an empty stomach. He did not have a history of seizures, head trauma, or family history of seizures or another disease. In cranial diffusion magnetic resonance imaging, there were hyperintense signal changes in bilateral occipital area (more pronounced in the left occipital lobe), right temporal lobe, frontal lobe, and posterior parietal lobe. All tests associated with possible etiologic causes of ischemic stroke in young patients were negative. Herein, we want to attract attention to adverse effect of energy drink usage.
Ketogenic Diet to Treat Epilepsy and Schizophrenia and Parkinson’s
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