Today I actually ,
a ll y
Stopped caring about fucking everything
I … that was last night
aND I do mean about anything. Yet that was more today. Last night I stopped caring about food and neuroscience.
It was a trigger and buildup.
Do you know how many rats they use for studies? And monkeys?Do you know they give them the diseases we have so that we can study and cure them.
We’ve reached the fucking point of harming other animals so we can keep on living. Fucking humans. I hate being part of this species sometimes. I hate what we are willing to do to survive past all of the faults we make.
We have abused our bodies and minds and when we start seeing the effects of it we pretend we don’t know the reason. It can’t be diet or the toxins we put on and in us so we have to harm other life in order to find some type of cure. Every cure we find is a bandaid. We rip open our skin and supplement what we have done with a pill. Then we say natural supplements are just hippies.
What the fuck do you think pills are? Do you think we pull them from space in order to make humans feels as special as we think we are?
Oh yeah on Dustin.
When all of these feeling brocked out my mind into not caring I stopped. My mind screamed and then there was silence.
I simply listened to the sound of my breath. When it was too quiet I supplemented the sounds in my head with the breathing of my own that was going unheard. At first there was fear.
Fear that all of the thoughts would come back. I would think and obsess over Dustin, recipes, this blog, the book I have to write, the worlds I want to create. That actually helped at first. Mostly my mind is coming down to food and talking about it. Obsessing.
I don’t want my life and me to be boiled down into even the most delicious ofbroth.
I’m more than that…I want to be more than that.
I thought of Liquid Fantasies, the fae world..the food in it !! STaHp! I thought of the darker worlds and what to do with them. What strife would they face and how would I make worlds that weren’t all about war and then I stopped. So sick of words, so sick of letters flooding into me all the time.
After the fear I actually calmed the mind with a downward motion against the feelings of them. They were between my eyes and nose so I led them down into they floated off my feet.
In that silence thoughts went off and memories came in. Woulfe came in. I remembered moments with my dog Archer…I remembered moments snowboarding and they hurt. These memories reached into my heard and squeezed with nails unkempt. The nails were sharpened and chipped and my mental sounds of breathing as well as real life breath became deeper. Even in public though I allowed the memories to form and to feel.
I think a lot of Dustin, and a lot of the thoughts were a gatekeeper of memories. I obsessed to avoid memories. This idea is not new, I’ve known it a while, but I did not know how deep this could go. I’ve been siphoning out thoughts for so long..and been unable to fully get past Dustin for so long. It has been two months. I realized that two days ago…that’s so fucking long to need a human just because he rejected me.
In general I’m not rejected so it is hard to account for repetition in the regard of if he is special or he is simply special because he rejected me. He still tremors me into deep notes of connection and makes other humans seem less beautiful and I want to be near him all of the time, but maybe he just connects me more because rejection heightens your senses. Maybe I’ve been connecting less to others, not because they aren’t him, but because I simply haven’t been connecting as well.