These blogs are from an experiment I did in 2015 that I am moving over to here.
So it is now 6:14 AM.
I just got back from fucking Tim and being released from the oxytocin obession of Dustin.
Combine the inability to see the future with oxytocin and you’ve got obsession.
ADHD, the inability to connect to the future. A stop.
Your body sees the person who released your oxytocin in your future and signals that future to your brain. Your brain attempts to see that future but can’t connect.
You get trapped.
Allow me to explain how this thought was reached.
I went to sleep around midnight and then awoke sporadically a few times from the twin blissmouthing out in loud tones with her Final Fantasy guild. I … wait I went to sleep around 11:15. There was a sudden sickness at work that wouldn’t ease unless I stopped moving.
Servers must move to job.
At work was Dustin.
Dustin is a human that I thoroughly enjoy in both mental and physical exposures. At first we spoke and I only thought of him in those moments. I then thought of him outside of those moments he was actually in to the point of mental fantasy desires. Not of sex or any elaborate formation but just of being near him. He would come to the theater I was serving in and sit for chats. At first there were excuses of trays to run and reasons to be there until he eventually would just come in and be near me with words crossing our waves.
I was still able to live and think of other humans as well as other moments of life. There was no trapping. His connection would light as a flame but spurt out for new connections to take me.
Then we met at my place. We laid on my carpet and just talked. He said I had an amazing mind and I squeed within as a form of love flowed. Sometimes us mental people need to feel loved. The geniune tones and nonverbal flowings encaptured it.
Still though I was not obsessed. I wanted to see him with a slight more violent connective abrassiveness, but that was light.
I could suppose the hormone flow there was minimal yet slightly capturing in its connections.
It was a bit harder to want other humans already, but that is not too hard of a factor since there are not too many humans here I want to fuck. Many I enjoy on a friend level but my body does not desire them. Once Dustin opened his shirt for a reason that fit into the conversation something hooked. Another hormone flow. A sexual flowing liquid taking my brain and body. I wanted him but the obsession was not formed. I could sleep and dream and wake without thoughts of him, just thoughts of the blogs and books to write.
Then we fucked. It was actually a drawn out process. With map colors and deep liquid amber pens. It..it was incredible. I connected about 95% of the time and in the disconnect it was an old scream. He turned it to a gasping moan of pleasure. We fit splendidly and my mouth even takes him to the perfect extent. It was the most…fitted sex I’ve ever had. Like a tailored sex suit.
Oxytocin flowed hard to the point it became my blood.
Since that night obsession has creeped into my brain. I. despise. obsession. I recognize it’s first knocking signs. Slight random thoughts of them creep into your day and are a bit hard to get out. Like a song that won’t stop singing all day. Repeated in the brain.
Then it just got worse. I felt it flow and wanting to stop it only caused his name to appear more and more. I asked if he wanted to hang out the day after and there was no response for the day. Sane mind, the one I had been in for days, watched as the obsession took me. Throughout the entire day I wondered at what he was doing and kept hearing hit it and quit it tell my brain that’s what had happened.
I thought it was more. That we had both waited and wanted it.
It was made more violent by the recent hit and quit it I’d faced. A human that said he loved my intensity whenever I disconnected during our fucking and ran outside into the forest. I have a blog about that night. I don’t feel like linking so good luck finding it.
Then we met about one more time and that was over. I obsessed gently…oh no that was gently upon recollection. Yes, obsession was there too until I fucked Dustin and it rebounded.
I’m so glad it can redirect.
So my thoughts and body turned into Dustin connections. Trapping and not realeasing. I would vividly and awaringly try to think of something else and to connect elsewhere only to struggle and get angry. Then I would think of Dustin and feel better but not want to obsess so try to connect elsewhere.
Feel the cycle.
I went to sleep with thoughts of him and felt existential. I felt trapped within my body again and trapped within life. Old hormones and thoughts and connections invaded.
I awoke to thoughts of him….it was fucking horrid. Obsession is the most trapping feeling I’ve ever kmown.
Maybe because you’re literally trapped.
Then tonight…whatever you want to consider the four hours of sleep between 11 and 3, I awoke to thoughts of Dusin each time. Last night I dreamt of him and him finding me in a room at a party and saying we could be together. I awoke smiling. Tonight we both worked and I saw him often. I was generally social with everyone but would think of him when he wasn’t in the same theater, wondering if he would come in. If he was there I got awkward and tripped on words and had slight social anxiety tinkerings. Not full on triggers but past feelings and words and anxious flows…hmmm..yes anxious but not the fear that generally comes with it.
Then he caught me at the popcorn machine and asked if I wanted to hang out tonight. I smiled and agreed. My mood lifted and yet…I wasn’t fully free. Not much felt different obsession wise or happiness wise. I’d received the desire of my obsesion mentally but not physically. I was still trapped and obsession scourogy minded. Lost and desireful…more like…anger or scourgy trappings at future thinking or trying to. I would want him right then and be frustrated I didn’t…automatically. I would despise other thoughts or moments because he wasn’t in them.
Then I got sick and went home. I texted him I was too sick to hang out and he said it was okay. “So quickly” growed my anxious mind. Sudden depression occurred and I wanted him to care more.
I texted I could get over it and expected a reply back saying please or something of desire. I listened for the sound of my phone. Obsessed over it. Debated what text to send to get over to him. My body obsessing over desired connections.
I wanted to say I felt well and could come but with each movement came vomit desires. Finally at 3 AM I felt okay enough that I could go be with him. I texted and he did not reply. Unable to go to sleep, fearing sleep and myself I messaged Tim. I knew he would be awake and that recently he’d made it obvious he wanted my body on his.
I came. I saw. I conquered. I conquered. I saw. I came.
Kind of…more like we enjoyed an hour together without fucking and then fucked. I enjoyed it but it wasn’t Dustin. I was vivid minded suddenly and not obsessed. I just…Tim doesn’t fit the way Dustin does.
I kept trying to get lost in it but it wasn’t happening. Instead of just continuing to fuck I got off and said that I couldn’t. Then we fucked a bit longer and I fully decided I didn’t want to. Got dressed and departed.
That’s the most I’ve ever stood up for myself when it comes to sex. I’ve gained respect for my body. Or does it signal respect to me? Before it had social anxiety due to not being higher on the food chain. Would settle for sex because humans desire sex. Now my body knows what it wants and doesn’t settle.
Suddenly the obsession is gone.
I was able to connect all over the place once I got home and went for a walk. My mind has cleared. I don’t feel obsessed over Tim though. Either because I disconnected or maybe because we’ve fucked before but I don’t feel trapped by him at all.
The largest note though is that
I was not obsessed until we had sex.