The McSuicide Experiment Day Fifty Three

This is from an experiment I did in 2015. I am moving the posts onto this blog.


Random theory lending moment on Instagram today from Paleo Foundation:

Past Connections Eat the Present

The ability to access the past

To connect to it

I fucking hate it.

Let me just start fresh. We can clean out my connections with the hologram mindachine and just rid those moments of past despair.

I don’t need them I swear it. I’ve already grown from them and it will just be picking up the dead leaves from the old branches. The leaves died but just never fell. I clung to them and to the past but now I welcome them into crispy death so they too can be used again.

Then I can grow new leaves.

In case you haven’t absorbed it yet there’s an adoration of leaves floating in this mind. Even on page 36 of Animal I wrote:

“Leaves so beautiful, so precious.  They feel as if there is still moisture inside them, as though you’re holding solid water.  I can’t say I love the incomplete oblique of the world, I actually hate how much pain there is, that your magnifique is allowed to feel pain, maybe it’s why I care so utterly much that it isn’t right.  The idea of heaven doesn’t stimulate me either, just another place where we are apparently bobbleheads.  What keeps me going is the people, the fact that they are stuck here too…and nature…I don’t believe God is great enough for nature, such an innocent thing.  (Self Age 16ish).”

There was also a story written about four years ago where a boy was squishing through liquid as it lifted with his shoes. He looked out to an endless pool of melted leaves.

I can’t find that story anywhere. It was notepaded out on an old phone that’s smashed into the world’s layers or hopefully was picked up by another human to create new memories on.

I even ate some leaves for mental needs from these last days:

The red heirloom spinach was actually pretty mentally brightening

Where I Go?

So the last two days I spent in Dallas for some doctor work. They seemed excited by my health. Thrilled at a healthy human they got to touch and examine. It was a bit odd but also rather nice. I felt they were about to send me off to a fucking camp though to continue our species.

A part of me desperated for escape when there. Dallas holds a lot of humans I enjoyed and enjoy. It also holds memories. Achey ones of a recent breakup that had emotions strong enough to hold the words marriage in the future. Then I just one day ‘awoke’ from it. He wasn’t as healthy as I desired and it got to me. He also realized I loved another human and it pained him more deeply than he would admit until we were soaked in issues too complex for young love to take. I also became withdrawn as the denial of other human love suffocated my desires and thoughts.

Well those two humans were both in Dallas this weekend and I highly doubt they were near each other, but I’m highly susceptible to energy and it was like I could feel them both. That and the memories of the past combining around me caused this odd surge of latent pained connections and immersion. I could barely think and existential thought held fright.

For once I did not enjoy being in Dallas. The land where I have multiple friends that usually make moments vivid and desired. I stuck to keto and organic and even ate kale in the car rides but the depressive life meandering lasted from the beginning of leaving Lubbock until leaving Dallas. It may have also been sleep deprivation or nutrient deprivation. I’d barely slept the last two nights and had been drinking more coffee than usual. They also drew blood when there and that caused woozy head times. The deficiency may have provoked out past connections or just stimulated them into being depressing even.

This unhappiness led me to driving there Monday and actually sleeping in a hotel bed with an old friend. Nothing actually happened but that was also interesting. I have been very sexually closed off while lying in this storm of past connection. Then I went to the appointment, saw one more friend and Ant Man and then at 7 pm could no longer stand Dallas and decided to drive five hours to Lubbock. Once I finally escaped the car chaos and entered the dark night road I felt relief. I could think again. Maybe just the flurry of city life has become too much after months in Lubbock. Maybe the thought of getting the first phase of this published as a book drove the desire to be here, but another odd thing happened.

Oh wait…there was something delicious that happened:

I do have some Trader Joe’s going for me though. Which is nice.

Connecting to Religion and Country Somehow

I haven’t felt connected to church/religion in a very long time. It has been more of an anit grudging feeling as I feel they take people and give them an excuse to not think. They keep people from questioning and create animosity among humans.

Yet on the way back I stopped on every Christian and country station. Feeling connected to the past.

I even slept in a church parking lot and it was beautifully harmonizing somehow.

Sigh…I feel so odd right now. Hopefully this is an accessing and cleaning the deep feelings of the past rather than a forever.

I wish I could test that everyday. One needle prick, one tiny blood drop and I’d know what I was deficient in. Then I would know if the feelings were from deficiency, accessing past connections, or from new ones.
It turns out it’s currently hard to escape the past if I drive right into it.


P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.

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