These are posts I did from an experiment in 2015 that I am moving over to this website.
Something Enticingly Mind Worthy Has Occurred
I started a blog.
No no not you.
A food one. A place where eventually I can put 1 Week Mind Detox or something of the sort. Clear Your Suicide Thoughts On Kale.
Actually dandelion greens did it way better.
I’m still scared. Taking minds that have been harvested on fast food and processed things and giving them the hope tingles of green is just…it sounds great. It is while they’re on it. When you get off though.
If you cheat.
The plummet. To feel what you haven’t in ages. The thing. The beast. The suicide connections.
Your mind triggers deep into them and since you don’t know it anymore it is consuming.
Imagine suddenly dealing with being a kid again. Or imagine the worst moment you’ve had in life. Now imagine that moment without the mind you developed up to it.
Imagine fresh minded pain.
It then tells you you never really escaped.
And tells you you can’t escape now. Part of you knows it’s a lie because you’ve done it before, but that’s one bliss connection teasing you from afar.
I can’t…I can’t do that to people.
I want to do it if it weren’t for those rebounds. If I could just take out those connections I would. I would give my life for it to do it right now for every human alive.
TO COOK OR NOT TO COOK
I’m going to start trying though. To give people recipes and food that work for loving mind connections and tingles.
The Real vs Ideal Self
So in psychology we talk about causes of depression. A large one is having a real you (the one reading this right now) and the ideal you (the human you desire to be).
If these two are different there is conflict in the brain.
Now that is a large reason I’m set to depression if my mind had a dial.
My largest goal in life is to discover why we exist. As such I will always lean towards depression when I do not know. Outside of that I have large life goals that involve curing suicide, ADHD, depression, social anxiety.
Other than that I just want to go to Iceland and live in a cave where not even I exist but can just turn animal and enjoy life without a higher thinking mind.
Still though I’ve decided to live for the next 80 or so years. I have wanted to start a food blog for about two years. Today I finally did it.
It elated me.
me into life to where I wanted to go see Robbie. My body created thoughts. Every human I thought of I desired to be in front of me. To excite with.
The feeling of desiring and blissing into life.
The opposite of the real self being less than the ideal self.
My real self exceeded my ideal self.
I hadn’t prepared for it mentally. I just did it. The likes and pageviews blew up all around me. People supported me.
I fear life because I feel rejection will seep into every moment. Automatically. Triggers and hormones create all over that.
In a way
it is surreal.
Nothing has actually changed physically.
I have been home all day. Internetting and cooking.
That happens all t he time.
Yet mentally I’m blissing out and my body excited with it. I’ve had raw kale sprouts and brussels that are lifting me too.
Past connections though
There’s mail here. Mail that yesterday I didn’t tell Randy about when I promised I would. He’s my roomie and asked me to do so.
Yesterday my mind was soaked in fucksad. There was just something off about it as it lurked in past connections. So my mind was accessing and syncing to those connections when I saw the mail for him.
I was in antilife progression connections. Existential and raw. Pained that I had to exist.
So I procrastinated it.
Now today I still couldn’t do it and I felt fear when I stared at them
Flight or fight hormones flowed
Then I thought of a memory from the past.
Like my mind connected to it. Those connections of yesterday lying in the same connections. Triggering and creating a thought together.
I remembered procrastinating in high school.
When I was meant to turn in really important documents and then still had days to do it but got scared and never did it.
Those connections held those memories.
In bright news. I lost my phone. This giant phone.
Hard to lose right? Well I searched over and over again. At first it was like the keys
On day three of fast food I was already caught in connections:
“Overall it was happy dappy cheery freery times…until I couldn’t find my keys for work. At first rational calm Ainsley searched for them and then as time kept passing it was consumption, horrible overtaking consumption where it felt like I couldn’t handle what was happening and all control was lost to the situation rather than solutions. I searched the same places over and over despite a pretty strong sane self hovering over me and saying that was silly, to look elsewhere, but I would look elsewhere and there were no keys so I stopped listening to that voice and looked in the fridge again” (2015).
Read This it Matters
It felt just like that at first. Then my mind just calmed. I knew I would find it eventually and accepted that. I was able to move away from those connections without pain, or fear, or consumption. Before I’ve felt that sane mind randomly and yet still had to look. I could distract and calm for minutes but this time I calmed for much longer. Maybe even an hour without those connections forcing me in.
This has been the most mentally consuming day. I couldn’t just do a food blog post and ignore this though. This matters to me so much more.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.