The McSuicide Experiment Day 59

Sleep Deprived Nutrients Controlled

 Most important study update: I have never felt more comfortable naked.

Remember when I was mind fludgered at sleep seeming like a nutrient depression that spiraled me into moments of uncontrolled scraggled anger?

It was a crass anger I couldn’t convince my mind connections out of.

Where the anger controlled me and blistered into wanting other’s death?

I have been sleep deprived for three days, and yet have full control. Anger is calmed so quickly and I feel it fade in its control every day. I still can feel it, but it does not control me.

I have been sleep deprived for the last three days. I can barely lay down without thinking of needing to get this book published, working on this blog or the new one, or even laying there and trying to not think of these things.

I have a friend named Alex that was a slight feminist when I knew her in college.

We met up again recently it seemed like that had become her entire being. It was all we talked about and I knew I was a large part of the reason because I was asking questions about it through curiousity. I enjoy hearing about something I supposedly already know from different perspectives.

That was actually a large mental conquest for me. When watching Fight Club and Marley said

Controlling Your Mind Conversations

I realized that I was doing that. There were times I wasn’t listening to my friend’s at all and just prepared words to say that I repeated over and over again in my head until they finished their sentence and I could get them out. I would even cut their words short to fit mine in.

After hearing that though I wanted to work on it. It took three phases.

1) Being aware I was doing it. I watched and listened as my brain would start to form thoughts instead of listen.

2) Stopping my brain. Calming down and letting the thoughts float out. Very hard at first but controlling and calming once mastered. Then I shall give you a mental badge.

3) Be aware of how much more enjoyable the conversation becomes from actually listening.

I would remember what I had wanted to say and evaluate just how imporant it was. Generally there was so much more to be gained from listening and the person speaking felt me listen and got to feel appreciated. That is so much more valuable to conversing then getting to let your mind brash all over the conversation.

Really it is about respecting one another.

I told my twin about how Alex had changed from slightly feminist to it defining her personality. This was a few months ago. Then yesterday, Abbey pulled me aside and said. “Do you remember what you said about Alex and feminism?’ “Yes” I replied. Knowing where this was heading but needing her to say it. “Don’t become just keto. You’re better than that.”

My mind flinched and then invigorated. I almost cried and then burst out with laughter. Suddenly I could think of leaves again. I looked up at the moon and cried and giggled out how amazing it was that it changes shape. How it is round and yet changes! I was blissing out in life as my forehead rupture all over in tingles of life.

I felt free.

This has been so consuming.

When you become an activist of something it just…consumes you. This became so much more important than me. I’ve given me all to this. I’ve exposed to you the thoughts in my brain that humans keep for themselves. I’ve become so raw I can feel my insides.

It has been worth it.

But I can not allow that consumption to continue.

I got angry at thinking of anything else. In every meeting or conversation I had I made it about this. All of my thoughts come back to this. It is what I think of when waking and while falling asleep.

All of my obsession, the final tinkerings of my OCD, were connected into this.

This study has succeeded. I was able to trigger into suicide on fast food and have been unable to trigger into suicide for four days now. I have more control and bliss in this mind than I have felt my entire life. Except for when I was in a relationship with Brennan and was on ket/paleo for a full four months without cheating. Part of it was Brennan, but it was also keto. I had this same level of mind control.

How the human body should be. I know what it is like to force control and work so hard to get over mental disorders with constant disruption and always falling back.

This is the only time my body has given me the control.

Also I can drink wine without feeling suicidal now. Feel the love of wine dripped grapes past self

P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning

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