It has been an odd muckfuck of mental days.
Nightmares about eating twenty Big Macs. Ever since switching to hammock sleeping my dreams have become as vivid as reality. I’ll wake up and be displaced for hours and truly feel like I’d cheated for the next awakened hours.
I’ve been arrogant and cold, unable to connect to life. Yet I could feel…my body is becoming more connected to life, and me, and in response my emotions shut off.
I would have anxiety at random points and kept seeing the faces of people from Gatesville (old town I grew up inside of) in the faces on college campus. It was never actually them. It felt like a regression. I was walking in memories.
I would be around humans and feel like a robot that kept shattering shards of itself into peoples eyes and they would notice, pluck them out, and the eye would just regrow in moments and they wouldn’t know why there was glass in their hands.
Abbey and I just got high and something odd happened. She got very hyper. She said that when someone has ADHD that happens. I thought of how people with ADHD have their dopamine receptors blocked and apparenlty it does become a buildup. The high comes in and makes hormones flow again. All of that hormone juice she wasn’t excreting gushed into her. I watched as she would bounce all over connections and memories but couldn’t remember what she was talking about seconds later. At moments it was as though she was forgetting as she was speaking.
I had become very calm. I felt no hyperactivity and simply worked to calm hers. I kept fearing rejection and seeing the past, feeling like I was at home and heard the name Brenda. An old name from long ago..it once felt like she rejected me. I think she actually did.
I remember long ago feeling that hyperactivity when high and loving it. I remember flouncing and flitting and admitting I couldn’t let go, yet I could go anywhere. I remember it hurt at times too. Like I was too active and wanted to scream a bit, but then it also felt incredible, as though I was actually able to feel.
Abbey and I discussed it more while rolling home with the windows held up (we ain’t gangstas yo).
I’ve actually cured my mind of ADHD. A symptom from ADHD I used to have is gone. Of course I have to say maybe, I have to pretend I feel this might not be true, but it feels so fucking true. And one day I will get that fucking neuroimaging machine to scan my brains and Abbey’s. They will record her brain as she gets healthy and watch it be cured and see if it begins to look more like mine. Then I will eat processed foods, the specific chemicals in them individually at first. Then I will detox. Then I will eat grain and then detox, then I will eat sugar and then detox. I will find out what fucked our minds.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.