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As it turns out the failed Reddit AMA was a good thing. At first it left me brooding and glooped in unhappy moments of all I’ve done to bring awareness to the humans of this world and yet receive very little in return. It is highly frustrating and weary minded. I think I’ve been on the computer far far too much is a part of the issue. It’s making me scraggly and very disconnected. So I went for a walk and my head just cleared and thoughts came again. I had forgotten how much controversy this subject still holds and that in describing it I still have to find a way to capture all that has happened. I now though, have the beginning to this blog in book form: Beware I wrote it about ten minutes ago so it still needs some edits.
The Box of Chocolates Experiment Phase One
You are not able to scramper down into my mind and feel the feelings I felt from this experiment. If so then the argument would be a null mystery of what we both now know. Suicide is consuming. Suicide is also conquerable.
Ohh such a bold claim this human makes. This is not a claim I take lightly though. I take this with the full weight of a depth only reached with full self awareness and sour patch kids laced in three energy drinks. My body has visualized the desire for death a multitude of times in this mind, and yet here I sit in a papasan chair typing these letters out for the human race to digest. I just finished an AMA on Reddit with dreary results of a biology student asking my credentials in making the claim that a paleo/keto lifestyle has cured my mental disorders. As though I am not enough. As though we are now so subscribed to Internet wisdom that we doubt everything we see not backed by ten, no, forty studies. How am I not enough to tell you about myself?
Well the issue arises of what about others? Is there actually hope out there for all of the mental disorders that trap the human mind? Have I actually found a cure?
Fuck I hope so.
Because those thoughts are so horridly consuming that lifting out of them leaves you with wounds and connections you never want to breach into again. Unless, of course, you decide to do a self experiment with a box of chocolates and fast food to prove to yourself, and some other humans, that suicide can be the body speaking to the mind. To prove that suicide is created by the body telling you to kill it and maybe it isn’t your fault.
I even claim that cutting makes sense. Your body is telling you to do it. In reality it is telling you to kill it, but you are a brave and beautiful soul that has decided to live instead. Despite the pain of life and consuming connections of a deadly fate you cling to life.
I love you.
Social anxiety is another horrifying clinky connection mishap.
This is where I get controversial. This is where you will doubt and fight me because these words invoke change. They also invoke hope.
Please fight me. Thrash at me and then let me hold you. Test this theory on every human you can. I want to go to the golden gate bridge every day and hand them kale. It turns out it takes 2.5 hours for raw vegetables to take you out of suicide though. My mind savior was dandelion greens. My local store just ran out though and I heard my mind cry at it. I still crave them.
My theory is this: suicide and sex are equal and opposite reactions of reproduction. Suicide is the body telling you to kill it for the sake of it no longer feeling worthy of continuing the human species. Think of all the other animals that have evolved. We are not some separate mythological holograms despite our desperate desire to be. We live in human bodies. Accept this to accept this theory.
When our bodies realize there is something wrong in them there is a reaction. Have you ever been sick before? Have you ever had to pee? Have you ever been drunk? Have you ever been addicted to something? If not you aren’t human and I question how you are reading this. Come find me.
We can admit the body speaks to us. In general we follow those actions because we have learned to do so and out mother’s and father’s and society has deemed them normal. Yet when it comes to suicide and cutting and social anxiety society does not accept these bodily reaction and tells us to get over them. Yet maybe the reaction is just as natural.
If you have ever gotten to know a depressed/suicidal person or even looked at a Buzzfeed article you know that the people who suffer with these illnesses consider them just that. Illnesses. They cut sometimes so you can see their inside pain on the outside, but the other times they still feel what you cannot see.
My words used to be wobbly on this subject. I felt I had no ground to stand on but for gloopy sops of melted leaves I slipped in. I have spent 54 days tracking 64 pieces of mental data as well as all of my food for each of those days. I also keep a diary that will be released, in time, about this. I am a highly self aware human being that went without Internet for a month and during that time simply sat and observed my mind.
I have spent hours upon hours analyzing every thought I have and every reaction my body holds in order to find some answer. The answer to why we want to slip knives into ourselves and feel the blood gush out. I connect to these thoughts..well I did. When lifted out with food fluffing me up and floating on kale wings I can have the same thoughts and not connect. My body no longer accesses those connections. I can provoke them through memories made fresh thought but that will be phase two of The Box of Chocolates Experiment. Oh yes. There’s more to come.
I was a happy kid with a rather mentally abusive household (yet I now understand that abuse and where it comes from (carb intolerance)). I was able to handle that and be labeled Little Miss Sunshine/Whimsical/Gullible/ and Naive. Excuse my caps but those labels still sting despite their age in my brain. In a way they also displayed my ability to handle life. I took every pain as the next stage of life ready to be conquered.
Then I got an allowance and started having about three energy drinks a day. When that wasn’t enough I dropped sour patch kids in them. When that wasn’t enough I sprayed those sour patch kids with sour spray. I was addicted. Then I turned suicidal after my twin asked me why we exist. I could no longer handle that existential feeling. I disconnected from myself and am still working on connecting back. We both developed ADHD, OCD, depression and suicidal thoughts. Two twins on processed hell. Both develop the same disorders. She still struggles with these mental disorders while I’ve been able to conquer them. This is not in any way saying I am better. The food I put in me is better and creates and connects my body to this earth in a way processed food can’t connect us.
The most important find was (words for having the same thoughts on processed food as on paleo(weed out word) and the difference being ability to connect to suicidal thoughts on one and future thinking in the other)
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.