Rough Draft: The McSuicide Experiment Day Sixty

These posts are from a blog I did in 2015 that I have moved over to this website.

 

This needs edits but I’m exhausted and have work in an hour. There was a promise though that this would arise hours later. Yes I could say I didn’t specify but I’d rather tamper into your expectations.

Rough Draft

Fludge that’s a ton of days. Honestly I’m so weared out from this, and yet the energy for it seems to grow each day. I care. A lot about this. Someday I will leave this after both books have been written and the diary, but that will be after others take the reigns on this issue.

I’ll then just go into neuroscience and discover there. For a few years. Then I’ll go off and write my books in solitude in Iceland (dream). After that I might go mental and spend a few years just living. Years without analyzing every single thought. Maybe just every other one.

I have never wanted to live as much as I do now. Maybe at a child stage before accessing the suicide connections, getting trapped in ADHD/OCD connections or feeling social anxiety, but since then life has been scoungy and just involved a lot of denial of being happy.

The more I feel these life connections bliss through me the more I realize I was working against myself. Each step foward felt like there was just a steel slippery step waiting ahead. This wasn’t a fallacy step either. When I was eating just like a normal human it involved things in packages or a lot of carbs or even a pizza. Those things just…fuck mate they take your mind and bliss out the connections into scourge. They take your humanity.

Very soon I want to do articles about how to live in the body I am now (yeah, you can join me 😉 ) Yet if you have been following you know my deepest fear. The ability to trigger back into the pain. There is nothing more deeply consuming then feeling you have escaped something that has trapped you all of your life and then to have it take you again. As a person who has been, it actually feels like rape. You were about to discover that today anyway in the mental data update. Most women have been actually and I find it a very interesting topic. In a society where we don’t talk about sex and even call it dirty, things go sour. I was very disconnected at the time it happened and have been able to analyze the situation rather than live in it. It has contributed highly to my disconnect during sex but I was disconnected far before that from life. He merely made a few other connections go off to disconnect.

So I want to admit that it takes both. It takes some form of trauma as well as the food to cause such pain. Maybe both can do it alone, but I will not know that answer until others are studied. I also have abandonment issues from my mum saying it was our fault and leaving. She was also distraught by terrible food though. Her hormones were fixed recently and she has just transformed into this beautiful person. I’ve always felt that beauty even since I was little. It was just hidden. Hidden by processed carbs and foods. What all can cause this remains to be seen but I’ve already found it in Reese’s, Pop-Tarts, Taco Bell, and coconut poison. Those caused suicide thoughts. Mildly social anxiety triggers will be felt every single time I eat out now. In Lubbock where they don’t care where the food comes from. Once I move to Portland or grass-fed lands of happy I’ll feel safe eating out again I hope. Really though I enjoy cooking my own food and don’t have many desires to eat out anymore.

Okay so last night. I had the energy of stallions ripping out into the world. I went to work and didn’t stop. I even helped other theaters without needing to and just couldn’t stop moving but loved every moment. I was socializing and entering every conversation. I laughed and people radiated around me, soaking in the life energy. I would make jokes or say weird things without people laughing and have NO social anxiety triggers. That hasn’t happened in my life ever. No matter how aware of it I was I would feel that fear.

My body was triggering seclusion.

Sigh….I hate how much sense this makes but how much you need to be in my mind to see it.

I’m trying to hard to get you to see it.

Do you?

Then I had a salad. A simple fucking salad with ranch. I just…none of it was organic and it was from a company. A large one that serves tons of people.

We have to be scared. I have to be scared. To embrace that anything mass produced had to have a way of being mass produced and is most likely containing some type of mind poison.

I don’t want to believe this one. I just want to eat a salad at work.

But then, social anxiety kinked out. I was just talking to everyone, all enjoying each other, and stopped. I literally stopped in both mind and body and had to escape. I slid from the counter in autodrive and walked up to the inner theater and just watched the movie, feeling something was wrong.

My anxiety remained connected and I feared Dustin. I like him and have deep fears of abandonment from mother and then a recent one. I saw both of those people in my head. I connected to their memory.

Then some fucking wanker twat.

One of my coworkers talked about a show. A show where there are rape jokes, and that was his selling point. I said ‘rape jokes aren’t funny’ and he laughed. “Oh I bet you like it”. I walked out. That is not a coming thing of mine. Generally I either don’t stand up for myself due to wanting to fit in too badly or I just remain and analyze the situation in curiosity as to how well it will go.

Such rage. So many triggers. His hands wrapped around my neck. I went to a coworker of mine I deeply enjoy and who I discuss a lot of this and general life with. I vented out what happened and felt both rage and calm come and go and remain. I was still in control. My triggers were being fired into though and they aren’t automatically cleansed.

Also (maybe) the salad. It made it to where those connections lingered and meddled in those connections. My body was connecting to life on its energy and the energy wasn’t the most controllable or stable. In fact the energy held social anxiety within it’s connections. Those were small though and otherwise I have only been eating paleo/organic for days. I gained control. I still felt like I was faking it though in smiles and wanted to escape each time I saw a human. I was still at work though so there was just a lot of short conversations. Flight response was soaring though.

Being around Dustin was the most scourgy. I geniunely like him and he could just suddenly not like me. Abandon….sigh.

I couldn’t calm it.

I still talked to others and joked and even talked to him but those triggers and fear and fight or flight kept triggering.

I had a sudden need to run my fingers over my cheeks. There it was. A pimple

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