Rated R The Box of Chocolates Experiment Excerpt


5:26 PM

Abbey is triggering me into so many past connections. Flurries of pained moments…see mental data:


Listened to old emo songs with Abbey. Blue October Hate Me and

Never Too Late- Three Days Grace

Amazing Blue October

It was connecting to our past together. IT felt beautiful, cleansing, painful


Tim being more talkative to me. Connecting to this brash me?

His diet is cokes and fast food. Once I consumed some chocolate syrup and a moment of whipped cream I changed mentally and he seemed to connect to it. Moreso. For those moments.


We have to reestablish that we matter to each other. Not just through connecting over and over based on connecting to memories and moments. Growing together.
Now we have to connect with who we are now and with love. To appreciate and establish not just who we were but who we are.
To break who we were to establish who we are.


2:25 AM

I’m sorry

For Ever Thinking

I knew anything at all


I’m tired of thinking if someone is married I can’t fucking talk to them

We’re all fucking human and should be able to fucking talk to each other

3:06 AM

Can I fuck him with sour patch kids laying all over us

11:51 AM

Am I a accessing severely deep depression or am I making it?

Trapped here
I can’t be stuck in this
I can’t be in this system

I could be happy if I go to Iceland
If I die I just cycle again

I fear death because it means living again

Christians knew heaven was better so they had to make suicide a sin.

12:02 PM

I have finally hit the point of acceptance. It was a long arduous road of caring pain and wanting change but some things I cannot change. And although I knew that all these years never before have I accepted it. Sometimes you know but don’t feel and it takes time. Even reading this might not take you there. It’s okay. Feel at your own pace or risk being fake.

12:06 PM

Is there some accomplishment I get for living this life to the fixing..fucking end

Let me
I love you but I hate you more

I love humans in moments, sections of life but in most hours I despise living on this earth. I don’t connect to it. It doesn’t distract me from itself.

Maybe if you weren’t so corrupt.
Maybe if you didn’t hate change no matter how desperately you need it.

I only live for others who feel the same.

It’s my only hope.

Iceland I would move to and remain. I wish I was born there and maybe I’d have never known this pain.

Would never have to desperately wanted to die and only stopping in fear of living again.

Yet even now. With all the true hope I can muster

I’d rather just die.

12:07 PM

I feel so connected to Animals today. I love them so much more than humans


12:08 PM

Today I am only living because of those affected if I die. And that barely holds me.

12:10 PM

*yoga time* no

I’m so fucking sick of trying to feel better

12:19 PM
I could be tracking this

This useless data .
Feels empty
No grandiose
Opposite it

I don’t think I’ll ever feel different unless I fake it

12:22 PM

*killed ant*


Lucky it didn’t have to live

12:22 PM

Begging cars to kill me

12:25 PM

I could hire someone to murder me

12:27 PM

Had processed chicken from Undergrounds coffee this morning

1:23 PM

I craved the greens, celery root, kale, dandelion greens , cherries and apricot. It felt like addiction without the addiction.
The craving was barely controllable in it’s desire but I still controlled it.

How are addiction and cravings different?

I guess one of them actually satisfies

I actually feel less pain within now that I had the dandelion lemon cherry salt pepper oil salad. I feel latent rather than beautifully dead.

Not uplifted just not in pain

3:25 PM

Laughter feels more real


Desperated for


Food isn’t a fucking market

*eats dandelion lemon salad at some point in between here*

4:08 PM

Wanted to switch from black to white shirt and did so

Don’t know when I wrote this:

I feel completely soaked in lost

Ripped from humanity

I collapsed again this morning and couldn’t recall being standing. I knew it had happened but it wasn’t there. I didn’t connect to it.

I still have fear at humans.

My mind is too fucked to live in.

Yet I keep living.

I strangled myself with my leggings today.

It felt soo good.

Last night.

You don’t get to know about last night.

I had a chilton after a horrid night where I felt anger. A night they fired an employee, our family, our brother right in front of us.

All our jobs were put into fright. He was ‘hooked up’. He received a free beer and got fired for it.

No one wanted to be there.

No one wanted to work at the job we were about to be fired from. I felt everyone’s future turn to fear.

You don’t do that to a fucking family.

I’ll go into the other side later.

Abbey felt pain last night too..at living.

we felt suicide together

Without even telling the other

I forgot to mention I started my period yesterday


Nutrient lacking

Desperate desire to cook today

Do feel better after dandelion salad but got infuriated at life not progressing as quickly as I want

Food blog is harder to start than I thought

You know sometimes I go back and read myself…and I can’t even connect to me

Been dehydrated all day but don’t want to drink. I’m sick of thinking I can help myself

Even trying to buy Animal hurts

Too hard

too complicated

Each step seems impossible

The idea of having to enter my credit card makes me stop

Had been listening to Amazing by Blue October all day, connecting over and over…feeling immersed

2.5 hours after daisies entering me it’s a different connection

I feel it jostle, rebound in my soul, the note created inner emotion…beauty versus pain, Bouncing the pain.

Outside and enjoying song rather than becoming it

Anger isn’t scary though…it feels allowed. I’m accepting myself more

Oh I also drank water between dandelion salad and feeling better. I had felt dehydrated. May have helped

4:55 now)

Felt immensely sad at seeing Bacon is new superfood…that the world is so plagued with misknowledge..that everything good is scientific words we don’t connect to

Our body knows how to process it

itlikes it

stop making health a company


3:04 PM

Very relaxed today

No fear.

Yet self aware

Knowledge I can handle me. ANd life. I might got this.

3:05 PM

In control


9:05 AM

So much pain. From so many thoughts. From mattering.

9:10 PM

They have power through thinking they have power and us believing it.

Companies Just another cult

11:39 AM

Today taking fries actually felt like stealing from people

Auto headache at bite of French toast



10:18 PM

I mean …people do realize confidence does actually come from the body and if you are fat you’re faking it. Your body is literally telling you to not be confident.


Get excited at how easily I remember

Like that I ate Trader Joe’s peanut butter and flax seed yesterday

I love how vivid the memory is

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