I’m having this horrible connection with food. I realized sixty-eight seconds agoish that I’ve been emotional eating.
Yesterday, days before, minutes of guilty mouth tastes being put inside me…
Nothing was filling the void of this Dustin fellow. I think…it is past obsession. You see, since we work together I see him so often.
There’s a mental corner we drag ourselves into with no escape when faced with your scratchy lack of control constantly. It is like a job you dread going to because your self worth plummets there and the hours you put in spit seconds dripping with loss out in return.
High cost with little reward, a human struggle that makes us sink with only butterfly wings to lift out of. Breathe into the wings and lace them into the air to draw yourself up.
Oh fuck that’s what is happening. I adore my job jostlings in general. The rooms vibrate to rythms on screen and thousands of personalities and souls cycle in and out of watching the creations of other humans. Laughter rings from humans sitting before giant humans dancing. Creation explodes to life and we catch it on a screen.
My coworkers and I click like your mouse and we gravitate towards each other in needs and random wants. We bond. Remember this?
Then this blickfuck of a human comes to hit and quit it.
We…I never have connected to someone like I have this human. All of my life moments involved this feeling that I was missing something. For so long I thought it was religion, but barely. That felt…wrong as well. I would remember being fully into Christianity and the craving it would fill, but that no longer works. Spirituality is even a word gone sour.
I’m…aware. Aware of life.
This human. When I look into his eyes I feel lives of the past. I feel to the depths of my soul. I am so captured that his stare becomes me for hours, as though his eyes melted into mine and I can see.
Also..I don’t want to fuck anyone else but him. When he is near I automatically want to move away from other men. This impulse just moves me and I realize it after. I don’t enjoy the touch of other humans. It just feels wrong.
This was even experimented with many times.
In Reality Though
Every time I try and talk to him the conversation is stale. At first it was vibrant and he followed me into theaters or came into mine (as a server). We would just fucking talk.
Also the fucking was like…sigh I hate remembering it now yet it vividly erupts over my sheets constantly (not in reality, I’ve never successfully masturbated).
Yet when I do imagine him…soaked. I can just be walking around and wonder why I feel something dripping down my leg.
There’s so much to say that I can’t say anything. Yesterday the conversation was:
Me: So how’s life?
Him: It’s going
Me: It tends to that
FUCKING SILENCE FOR 20-30 Seconds that felt like MINUTES
Me: Do you know what time it is?
Him: RYLEN (says someone else’s name really loud and goes to them)
Otherwise he talks to everyone else while ignoring me mostly and I…tried very hard to not care, but I find myself simply staring and never wanting to look away.
There’s also a deep connection between us. I can feel him from far away. I feel his deep pain when I’m near and we constantly open the swinging door (one IN one OUT) at the same time. I can almost sense where he is at all times.
Abbey has met him and said when he walked past there was a deep anger. An anger so intense….
When you meet soul people…twin flames even. Your past.
All of it.
Comes into you.
Not just this lifetime but your soul’s lifetimes. You feel them.
Not just the beauty, but the pain.
About this Emotional Eating
So for a couple of days to a week I’ve been eating more than I should and hating it. I still love food but there is no connection to eating it but to be full. Then I eat past being full and feel pain. This emotional anger and emptiness at myself for not being able to stop. Stop eating food or thinking about it. I feel hungry all the time.
This..now realized emotional hunger.
I can’t fill his void no matter how full I feel.
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